03.17.12 [081] And you weaken your love, and you hold it above your head.

03.17.12

 

 

Music/title: Willow Tree March; The Paper Kites

_ _
 
“And we all still die.”
 
 
Sometimes I find it hard to grasp the decisions I’ve made.
I knew I was self destructive, but I had no idea the extent of it.

 

I believe I’ve been trying to destroy my relationship to punish and hurt myself. When I get depressed I get horribly strong urges to break up with him. I feel like I deserve it because I know that I need him. Because I love him.

 

This is too much for me, and I’ve gone too far already.

I promised him last night that I’d go to at least one appointment to talk to someone about it.

 

I feel an urge to tear myself out of my skin; out of my horrible body.
 
 
I absolutely hate all of this.

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