05.08.12 [133] And I’ve tried just to separate dreams from reality; try to satisfy this wanting. But then, I can’t win.

Music/title: [Untitled Track]; The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
_ _
“My grandpa died today.
I’m not happy or sad. It’s more of a “one down, two to go” kind of feeling.
On some level this must make me a terrible person.”

. . .
This is what I chose to tell my friends through a status today. It’s true. Every word of it. Except I left out that this text woke me up this morning. And that I thought I’d be able to roll over and easily fall back asleep. The fact that I couldn’t just read a text like that and go on, from someone that treated me like such absolute shit, really bothered me.
And once again I’m reminded of my mother; of the aching want to physically hurt her. I know that if she dies and I never get the satisfaction of hitting her a part of me will always feel… Like I missed it. Like I had my chance to show her what she’s done to me and I missed it.
“On some level this must make me a terrible person.”
No Bettina. She put her so called god before you. She used your life for her own benefit.
She’s the terrible person in all of this.
*sighs* …567 miles and I still can’t get away from this.

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