Don’t stop imagining. The day that you do is the day that you die.. (I’m not fast enough)

09.14.13
 
Music/title: 17; Youth Lagoon
_ _
 
 
He makes my heart swell and burst. He takes everything I thought was solid and breaks it into tiny pieces. I’ve needed this for so long- Someone to defy these concrete ideas I’ve created in my head.
 
.. .. . .. …
 
“You look like you don’t know what to do next..”
 
[ Yes.. I’m scared.. ::wells up with tears::
…I’m so far out of my comfort zone. ]
 
“Yes, you are. But I’m right here with you, Bettina..
I’m right here.”

 
.. . . .. . ..
 
I’ve never felt the things I’m feeling with him before. I’ve never felt such a consistant lack of urge to hurt myself as I do with him. Being happy and content is absolutely terrifying, but my-fucking-god do I want this with him. This is all I’ve ever wanted. Everything I cried and wished to the lack of a god for when I was younger is lying next to me every night.
 
 
Still, though, I feel these tiny urges of self destruction.
When I make love to him, when I’m at my most vulnerable, I feel it there- prodding at me. It tells me it would feel good and familiar.. My mind tells me that what I’m doing is foreign and scary, and that destroying this beautiful thing I’ve found would be so fulfilling…
 
That it would ruin me,
and it would feel better than anything I’ve done to myself yet.
 
.. . .. . .
 
 
[ ::breaks down crying:: ..Promise you won’t ever let me do this. Promise me you won’t let me destroy myself. I need this. I need you, Arden. This is what I really want… I swear. ]
 
“Okay, Bettina. Okay, okay.. shhhh. *holds*
 
I promise.”

 

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