Now she spurts, now she sputters, now she dies.. ( Kill the lights, close the curtains, shut your eyes…….. )

09.19.14 -2
Music/title: Quantum Of Solace; Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

I should be dead.

Or at least the living equivalent of it.
Ever seen your mother douse herself in gasoline?
[ Ever wished she’d actually lit the match? ]

.. . .. . . ..

Imagine for a brief moment your childhood.
Imagine your fifteen year old self wishing for your own death.
[ Kill yourself?  No. You wouldn’t go quite that far with it. ]
Imagine waking up alone.
Imagine not knowing if you’d see your mother today, or if she’d stay locked in that room.
[ You’re crying, pounding your tiny fists on her door.. It’s been weeks since you last felt the sun dig into your skin.
So desperate.. You’re swearing and screaming you won’t go anywhere else.
]

Sixteen years old, and she nearly lights the whole house on fire attempting her suicide.
[ But she’s your mother. You love her. How could you leave her?  It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Seventeen years old, and you left.  But still she calls.  And hours are filled with talk of your betrayal.
[ You’re a terrible daughter.  How could abandon your own mother like that.  Everyone else, sure …But you? ]

Twenty-two years old, and she nearly beats your grandmother to death with a paperweight.
[ But she won’t press charges.  Because it’s her daughter.  It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Twenty-five years old, and she’s finally institutionalized.  Locked away forever;
You wonder how it ever got this far..

[ Twenty-five years in- You’re happily engaged, miles and miles away from her insanity.
And you’re wondering how it ever got this far…
]

.. . . .. . .
 

Sometimes it’s worth holding your breath for just a little bit longer..
Because that single moment when the pain finally does stop…
That- That’s what’s really worth living for.

3 thoughts on “Now she spurts, now she sputters, now she dies.. ( Kill the lights, close the curtains, shut your eyes…….. )

  1. Pingback: You gave up being good when you declared a state of war… (I DON’T BEHAVE, I DON’T BEHAVE, OH EH) | zeebam

  2. I can’t help but remember my own mantra. Wait. Breathe. Listen. When you know how to wait, you know when to act. When you know how to breathe, you know when to hold your breath. When you know how to listen, you know when to speak.

    …Or something like that.
    ^_^

    Liked by 1 person

    • ::smiles big:: Oh Sheldon.
      How I’ve missed you. I’m glad you do, in fact, always read/follow, as you said you do. ::hugs::

      Yes. It’s exactly that.
      Also, you will be very pleased to know that I’m (as of about an hour from now) starting once again a photo project. This time a 52 week journey is in order for me instead of a 365 (as I don’t have time for the latter). I’m super ‘effin excited!

      I hope you’re doing well, and that you enjoy reading my posts as much as I enjoy publishing them. ^_^

      Like

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