06.20.15 [39/52] But look at me.. (Oh, what a mess.)

Music/title: Release; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“Careful, Bettina…
You might make me cry too.”

. .. . …


I feel like I should just hide when I feel this way from you.
I feel like it’d be easier for you. I think maybe you’re right- I do act as if it’s the end of the world.
But it’s more than just that.  I think I still have trouble staying happy.  It’s just so much more comfortable to be sad, and I think I gravitate towards that most of the time without realization.

All the more reason I feel like I should hide it from you- ‘Cause I don’t feel like it’s real.
I feel like it’s this fictional sadness I made up in my own mind.. Because, in it’s own weird way..
It’s comforting.

If I’m right, then I’m pathetic and weak in doing so.
Couldn’t I just stop the feelings if I’m the one that created them?  In theory, I could.
The part that worries me is that maybe deep down I just don’t want to.
Maybe I enjoy this feeling more than feeling happy?

This is part of why I don’t think I should have children.
This is part of why I thought I’d be alone forever-
Because I’m terrified the desire for self destruction is always going to outweigh everything else.

So far you’ve been the only thing in my entire life that’s made me feel like I could have more than this- Like I could choose to be happy for more than just a moment.

So I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.
I’m sorry if you don’t understand any of this- Just please know that I’m trying.
That I try *really* hard to overcome this feeling for you all the time….


Always hesitating to say I don’t want to feel this way,
Always afraid that I actually do…



5 thoughts on “06.20.15 [39/52] But look at me.. (Oh, what a mess.)

  1. Pingback: It all works out in time (You may take my eyes, but baby I’m not blind…) | Dharma and Belligerence: Mad Rants from a Free-Range Buddhist Hooligan

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