08.22.15 [48/52] Do you recall, not long ago- We would walk on the sidewalk… (Innocent, remember?)

08.22.15Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

“We would only hold on to let go.”

. .. . …

 

[ Was it comfortable?
…Did you revel in the slight attempt of self destruction? ]

 . . .

I wonder- Am I merely a fake?
Like everyone else- Only after my own gratification?
I used to watch you pass by; judging so harshly the perfect sphere you found yourself within..

 

Hurting others for my own self fulfillment.
…How much better could I truly be?
 

/ / /

 
Blow a kiss, fire a gun…

06.27.15 [40/52] I’m dying to feel again.. (Anything at all) But- Oh, I feel nothin’, nothin’, nothin’ (…Nothing at all)

06.23.15
Music/title: Gold; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“But now you can’t tell the false from the real..”

 

.. . ..

 

He looked at me the same way I looked at him..
Like he wanted to stop everything, and immerse himself in my world- To get away from normalcy and routine
His eyes felt hollow as he stared down at me ..As if trapped within his own personal sinking boat.

I know he was speaking to me.   And I could hear the words..
But all I could think was, God… I want to save to him. 
I want to tell him that there is more to life than what you’re given.  That it does get better-
That the harder you push, the more you get.  That your life does NOT define you!
That you are not “Imagine Dragons-“  You are not this person that the world has made you out to be..
You are the boy that grew up with dreams bigger than the shoes life had predetermined him to fill.

That maybe-Maybe that void you feel deep inside the pit of your stomach was never meant to be filled.
That I know it’s exhausting, and that it hurts to feel so empty in a world that is so clearly full
and at our constant disposal… But what if our void is supposed to be there? 
What if we are never meant to be complete?

 
Maybe that void we all feel is what actually drives us-
What is supposed to push us to constantly demand more from life.
Maybe your void is like my void…

 

 

And maybe we’re not so different after all.

 
/ / /

 
I’ve never seen this side of you..

You’ve got a heart filled with passion… Will you let it burn for hate or compassion?

R1-01479-0003
Music/title: Killing For Love; Jose Gonzalez
_ _

 

“Killing for love.”

.. . . ..

 

Now it’s 11:03pm,
And I know that I will be a different person by the end of this year-
A better version of myself.
 

Shouldn’t that be how it always is?
Mustn’t we always strive to become a better, more complete version of ourselves?

I used to think, ‘I want to be done.’
But now, I almost want the exact opposite… [ “May we never be complete!” ]
 
. .. . . ..

 

 

Now it’s 11:11pm.
Time to let the chips fall where they may…
 

02.21.15 [22/52] And now I wonder if it’s meant to be- Desolation, tragedy… (Is there nothing good in me?)

02.22.15 -0
Music/title: Release; Imagine Dragons
_ _

 

“A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection.”

. .. . .

 

I wonder if this is the height of it all?
I feel I’ve been here before..  Everything so perfect and in it’s place-  A calm before the storm.
I can feel the entropy taking over again…

 

I need to get this air out of my lungs.

 

/ / /

 
Oh, let me have release…

02.07.15 [20/52] And your wrist got bruised, and you wanted better love… Well, it’s sleeping in your bedroom.

02.07.15
Music/title: Walking The Dog; Fun.
_ _

 

“I’ve met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging
on the wall behind him, and God asks me, “Why?”  Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn’t I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can’t I see how we’re all manifestations of love?

I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God’s got this all wrong.
We are not special.  We are not crap or trash, either.  We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, “No, that’s not right.”

Yeah.  Well.  Whatever.  You can’t teach God anything.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

 

/ / /

 
Hold on, stay on my side, don’t go…

01.31.15 [19/52] I’ve been tryin’ to keep my grip, Yeah I think I’m over this.. I can hear it now ( Oh no, Oh no-o )

01.25.15 -6
Music/title: Cardiac Arrest; Bad Suns
_ _

 

The unexpected- This is why we love.

. .. . . .

 

I wasn’t going to ask… I didn’t think you’d remember
There I sat, quietly trying to think of the song that I wanted so very badly.
I tried putting myself back in front of the stage- Surrounded by alcohol and carelessly made socialization.
I was so mad at myself for not remembering to write it down or look it up that night.

Moments away from giving up, I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask….
 

I hadn’t been that taken aback from you in so long
You merely snapped your fingers, threw both feet firmly down, and grinned at me..

“Cardiac Arrest.”

.. .. . ..
 

…this.  These are the reasons we love.
It’s the little things… Such as someone simply knowing you so well as to look up and remember the name of a song- Keeping it a secret, because they know somewhere down the line you’re GOING to remember.  Or you’re going to NEED it.  And it will just be there.
 

Like it was never gone in the first place.

 

/ / /

 
High voltage in her lips, I’ll try my best….

12.27.14 [14/52] She said, “Paint a picture on me, throw your dress up, and your heart away.”

12.21.14 -8
Music/title: Besitos; Pierce the Veil
_ _

 

“I felt like destroying something beautiful.”

. .. . . ..

 
What is it really?
 

Is it this body? [ You tell me I’m beautiful, therefor I must be. ]
What about this photo? ..Is this what beauty looks like? [ I think it’s beautiful, therefor it must be. ]
Sometimes I get the urge to bite into flesh until I taste the blood on my lips.

 

Now that.

 
..Wouldn’t that be beautiful.
 

/ / /
 

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the selfish machine.

12.20.14 [13/52] She makes the sound, the sound the sea makes to calm me down.. ( I’m tired now )


Music/title: Dissolve Me; Alt-J (∆)
_ _

 

“You’re really good at this.
Verrrrry good.”

. .. .. .
 

To feel I have not only accomplished something in my life, but… ‘to feel good at something.’
That is a rare form in which I find myself.  Today, however….
__________________________________________________
 

12.20.14 -0

“I look at that picture and it accentuates things that normal pictures don’t…. It is very solemn and it makes me feel almost like the sad parts of me are showing through in that picture…. And that’s something I try to keep hidden from everyone. 
I’m surprised at how deep it actually goes…..”

 

 
__________________________________________________

I hope she does truly know how beautiful she is.
Sadness, and all that accompanies…

 

/ / /

 

And pulse to pulse, now shush..