Music/title: Shipwreck; Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker
“Might be time to cut off the arm..”
.. .. . ..
Sometimes you think that what you’re doing is right.
It feels right, it looks right… Everything about it is exactly what it should be.
But then you feel the small, prickling sensation crawling up the back of your spine…
It’s only then that you realize how truly fucked you’ve become.
/ / /
One step is closer than none..
Music/title: Swans and The Swimming; Iron & Wine
We will always go back to those days. The days when we were just friends. When things were beyond complicated. We’ll be eighty years old yelling at each other about who should’ve done what, and why one did the other. I’ll never forget the first time I kissed him. We had both stayed up to the point of exhaustion again. I could feel his desire for me clinging to my skin from across the room. The way he looked at me…. My god. It was as if someone had the lit the room on fire, but he was blind to it. He could feel the heat and knew there would be relief, if only he could get closer to me…
I pulled away from our hug goodbye, staring up into those wanting eyes.
I didn’t want him to go. And I could see that neither did he. I could smell him. I could feel him.
A thousand times over his body screamed how it wanted me.
[ Arden…. I really want to kiss you. ]
That was all it took.
I remember his body shaking.
I remember the kiss was not what I had expected.
…Like he’d never kissed anyone before.
He pulled back, with a look of bliss and confusion slapped across his face.
I stood there for a moment, thinking about it.
[ No. That’s not right. We need to do that again. ]
I pressed my body into him.
I pressed my lips soft and hard back against his.
I made him feel my desire for him in that very moment.
And he threw everything he had back at me..
.. . ..
I s’pose you could say this was the start of it all..
But how do we know when anything really begins?
Music/title: 17; Youth Lagoon
He makes my heart swell and burst. He takes everything I thought was solid and breaks it into tiny pieces. I’ve needed this for so long- Someone to defy these concrete ideas I’ve created in my head.
.. .. . .. …
“You look like you don’t know what to do next..”
[ Yes.. I’m scared.. ::wells up with tears::
…I’m so far out of my comfort zone. ]
“Yes, you are. But I’m right here with you, Bettina..
I’m right here.”
.. . . .. . ..
I’ve never felt the things I’m feeling with him before. I’ve never felt such a consistant lack of urge to hurt myself as I do with him. Being happy and content is absolutely terrifying, but my-fucking-god do I want this with him. This is all I’ve ever wanted. Everything I cried and wished to the lack of a god for when I was younger is lying next to me every night.
Still, though, I feel these tiny urges of self destruction.
When I make love to him, when I’m at my most vulnerable, I feel it there- prodding at me. It tells me it would feel good and familiar.. My mind tells me that what I’m doing is foreign and scary, and that destroying this beautiful thing I’ve found would be so fulfilling…
That it would ruin me,
and it would feel better than anything I’ve done to myself yet.
.. . .. . .
[ ::breaks down crying:: ..Promise you won’t ever let me do this. Promise me you won’t let me destroy myself. I need this. I need you, Arden. This is what I really want… I swear. ]
“Okay, Bettina. Okay, okay.. shhhh. *holds*
Music/title: Isle of Flightless Birds; Twenty One Pilots
I am slowly discovering just how deep this all goes.
I see my own self destruction lacing every fiber that I am,
and it scares the ever living out of me.
[ Happiness equals vulnerability..
It’s comfortable to feel worthless… ]
I am slowly discovering I am capable of so much more.
I see myself accepting things that feel good,
and it scares the ever living out of me.
.. .. . ..
“Now is the climax to the story-
And he is waiting, oh so patiently..”
Music/title: Lovely; Twenty One Pilots
“Although, I don’t know… You’ve been different lately.”
He pushes me.
But not like before.
I’m pushed to think, not to do..
You make it hurt less.
You take everything I’m feeling,
all the mixed thoughts that loop themselves round and round in my head,
and you spread them neatly out in front of me-
As if to say,
“Here. Look at this. Understand it. Hold it.
How does that feel?
Now how can we make it better?”
.. .. . . …
Nothing has ever made as much to sense to me as this.
Music/title: Mining For Diamonds // Beach Binaural Beatbox Version; THePETEBOX w/Swimming
Sex has always been a way to feel used-
An escape for the other, darker side of me.
An accepted form of self destruction.
Even when it seems ‘normal’ on the outside, inside I’m really turning everything that’s happening against me. I’m imagining their hands are touching me only because they want to- Because they can, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I imagine being a slave to the person.. Used whenever they need.
I imagine rape..
. .. . ……
“I think you’re changing a bit, Bettina.”
[ Oh? ]
“Yeah. Not drastically, but a bit..
We just had sex in a way that people ‘make love’
…And you enjoyed it.”
[ ::wells up with tears:: …I didn’t realize- I’ve never done that..
. …. ..
I think I just let myself feel happy, Arden.. ]
/ / /
Thank you for making me feel something I thought was next to impossible to feel in my life.
Music/title: Not Your Fault; Awolnation
I’ve never quite felt this way before.
It’s the same, but it’s different.
It’s more than just ‘I love you’ or ‘I really like you’..
I fucking want this.
More than anything I’ve ever wanted.
Falling in love with my best friend is possibly the best and potentially worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
I feel good about this..
Music/title: Jars; Chevelle
Oh, how I’ve missed this.
It’s been a while.
Things just keep falling into place. And I think I finally understand him now. I understand why he says he’s evil. I didn’t realize what I was seeing until I’d stepped halfway into it, but suddenly there it was- his darkness. I saw it and held it, and for a brief moment it terrified me.
But then I saw something familiar.. I saw him fight it.
I saw him trying desperately to push that side of him away.
I saw all the same emotions I have within myself inside of him,
and all the doubt that was on the edge of mine vanished.
I saw him. I mean, I really saw him…
And I loved him all the more for it.
This can only get better..
/ / /
“Steal from yourselves,
It never felt so good.”
Music/title: Satellite; Rise Against
“I miss the ever living out of you.. You make me more happy than anything else on this planet. From the day I first met you I wanted you to be as happy with *you* as I am with you. And I want to be together with you for as long as I can. I never want to say goodbye and don’t think I ever did want to, nor will I ever.
And you’re right, this isn’t perfect. It feels so much better than that. We have found the person that brings out our darkness and at same time calms it. And I still don’t 100% understand it all. I just know that I want this. And while I would have moved heaven and earth to get it a year ago.. Now it’s just happening. And it is falling into place like it has been there all along.”
/ / /
Ross moved out.
These are sitting by my front door.
The apartment feels empty, but right at the same time.
I feel like I’d been needing this for many reasons.
I was falling in love with my best friend.
I was confused with all of my emotions, and I’m sorry I couldn’t figure it out sooner.
Music/title: Evening On The Ground (Lilith’s Song); Iron & Wine
You know that feeling when you do something wrong and you don’t get caught?
[ Yes. ]
Well, you know how you have to keep doing something
wrong until you get caught to make that feeling go away?
[ Yes. ]
That’s where she lives.
She needs to fail..
.. . .. .
Possibly the most simple, yet beautiful explanation of my submission I’ve yet to hear from anyone.
/ / /
I feel desperate.
I feel angry- full of rage and hate.
And I’m not sure what to think of myself at this point anymore..