When everything has to turn, and march onward.. (Only fall if you’re sure that you fall forward)

Music/title: Changes; Mutemath
_ _


“I’m not understood.”

.. .. ……


Life has been one roller coaster after another lately.
I don’t know what’s up or down, and I’m not entirely sure that’s how I want it.

But that’s normal right?
The uncertainty?
Aren’t we always uncertain about something in our lives?

I’m unsure about this.


But, maybe we are overdue…


01.03.15 [15/52] And I don’t care if you’re sick, I don’t care if you’re contagious.. (Can you chase away the darkness?)

Music/title: I Don’t Care If You’re Contagious; Pierce the Veil
_ _

Is it really their fault?

. .. . . . ..

I’d like to believe not.  I’d like to believe the best in everyone..
But that’s never the case.  It’s always the fucking same.  [ …Such fucking pathetic pieces of shit. ]

Sometimes I tell myself I’m helping them, but really… I’m not.  I’m just using them.
[ Everyone’s gotta get to the top somehow, right? ]


They dug their own graves…  Now I’m just burying them.

12.27.14 [14/52] She said, “Paint a picture on me, throw your dress up, and your heart away.”

12.21.14 -8
Music/title: Besitos; Pierce the Veil
_ _


“I felt like destroying something beautiful.”

. .. . . ..

What is it really?

Is it this body? [ You tell me I’m beautiful, therefor I must be. ]
What about this photo? ..Is this what beauty looks like? [ I think it’s beautiful, therefor it must be. ]
Sometimes I get the urge to bite into flesh until I taste the blood on my lips.


Now that.

..Wouldn’t that be beautiful.

/ / /

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the selfish machine.

12.20.14 [13/52] She makes the sound, the sound the sea makes to calm me down.. ( I’m tired now )

Music/title: Dissolve Me; Alt-J (∆)
_ _


“You’re really good at this.
Verrrrry good.”

. .. .. .

To feel I have not only accomplished something in my life, but… ‘to feel good at something.’
That is a rare form in which I find myself.  Today, however….

12.20.14 -0

“I look at that picture and it accentuates things that normal pictures don’t…. It is very solemn and it makes me feel almost like the sad parts of me are showing through in that picture…. And that’s something I try to keep hidden from everyone. 
I’m surprised at how deep it actually goes…..”



I hope she does truly know how beautiful she is.
Sadness, and all that accompanies…


/ / /


And pulse to pulse, now shush..

12.06.14 [11/52] I’m drowning in a sea of blame. Heart beats the microscope, keeping me away.. La-la-la-la-la-la

Music/title: Shipwreck; Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker
_ _


“Might be time to cut off the arm..”

.. .. . ..


Sometimes you think that what you’re doing is right.
It feels right, it looks right… Everything about it is exactly what it should be.

But then you feel the small, prickling sensation crawling up the back of your spine…

It’s only then that you realize how truly fucked you’ve become.

/ / /

One step is closer than none..

11.29.14 [10/52] And I was only just starting, but you can’t be close enough unless I’m feeling your heart beat..

Music/title: All of Your Love; Hellogoodbye
_ _

We never really know what we’re looking for.

. .. . ..

“We want what we can’t have.” ….It’s possible that’s true.
Still, I’ve been more content that I ever thought I’d be.  And here we are. 

Sometimes I worry that little switch will flip in my head.  That I’ll feel discontent and unhappy all over again.  And then I’ll be right back at the beginning.

.. . . .. . .

“What do you want to be when you grow up, Bettina?”

To be loved.
Loved people are never alone..

/ / /

For every inch we get we need a mile more..

11.22.14 [9/52] Swim, swim, swim… And I can’t understand what I’m after.

Music/title: Shark Attack; Grouplove
_ _

Where’s the line?

Appropriate, inappropriate…  What’s the real difference?
What makes you uncomfortable?
I can tell you I’m comfortable with a lot more than most will ever be.
.. . . .. .

I should’ve known months ago what I was getting myself into.
And what I couldn’t get myself away from...

/ / /

And that’s just what I believe in

11.15.14 [8/52] So when can we fall in love again? ( When can we; So when can we ) ..When can we maybe be friends?

Music/title: When Can We; KYLE
_ _

“I want to tell them what I believe because I’ve done the research!

So they don’t have to- 
So they don’t go out into the world and become one of the crazy, religious nutjobs. 
So they don’t become an extreme atheist.  I want to tell them what I believe so they can be happy;
So they can live their lives however they want…”

.. . …

Our day to day lives engulf the reasons we fall in love with a person,
But then there are moments like these.

And there you are all over again.

/ / /

When can we love again?

11.08.14 [7/52] Someday our hearts are bound to be overthrown, and how is it that I.. Lost all of my faith in humankind?

Music/title: Kind; Eli August And The Abandoned Buildings
_ _

On one hand, I find myself wishing I had more free time in my day to day life.
On the other.. I really do enjoy the busy feeling of moving from one thing to the next.

I remember two years back, that’s all my life was.
Event after event after event..  It was never enough for me.

It always gave a sense of purpose.
As if to say, “Yes. I am absolutely living my life to the fullest!”

.. . . .

But it’s when taking these photos that I really feel alive. [ ..Snap ! ]
And that moment is forever etched into my life.  No other moment will ever be like that one..

/ / /

Take me down to where the river bends..

11.01.14 [6/52] Take me to your darkroom honey- Oh, keep me in your shadow.. And I’ll do everything that you say.

Music/title: Darkroom; Misun
_ _

“I hope you intend on pursuing photography as a career,
because you are pretty much completely excellent.”

.. . ..

I really never meant for this to become such a big part of my life.
It was just a goal I’d set.  Something simple, that would take actual dedication to complete.
I was 23, and desperate in proving to myself that I could start something and finish it.

My whole life I had spent believing this was something I just could not accomplish.
But by the end of it all, it had become so much more than overcoming that…

I had found passion.  I had found an outlet. 
And I had found something that I really fucking loved to do.

You have to understand-
For a person, such as myself, that was locked in a house, this was pretty astonishing, to say the least..
.. . . . .

Career or not-
As long as this passionate feeling of fulfillment continues, I won’t be giving up any time soon…

/ / /
Leave me there to stay.. ( to stay, to stay )