And forgive me love for wanting you… (Oh you, oh you…..)

002
Music/title: All Choked Up; Say Anything
_ _

 

“Oh can you see me now?”

. .. ….

 

I felt the anger, the frustration all bubbling up inside me.
But there you lay- So small…  So caught up in fighting your inner demons.
I felt it all melting.  Felt the tiny strings of my heart pulling tight with each thought….
Fucking worthless- Piece of insignificant shit.  …How could you?! 

I closed my eyes, pressing my head against yours..
My hands clutched at the base of your neck.
I let my lips find you.
I felt your apathy.  Your hatred.  And I felt every demon.
…I kissed you again.  And again… I felt your seclusion falling away,
And I felt you kiss me back…

 

Is this what it means?
To so strongly love that you cease your own emotions… 

 

I can run, I can change all the answers… (Or what I hope they’d be)

11.21.15 -0
Music/title: Hope; We Came As Romans
_ _

 

“Don’t fade away…”

. .. . …

 

Isn’t it always this way?
Always on the wrong side of the glass- Looking in, never out…

I know you’re scared.
I know deep down that you’re fighting the inevitable.
And I wish I could give you my experiences; taking all the horrible things I’ve done-
Showing you it’s not so bad as all that.

 

Someday, love.
We will be free from this… From them..

 
One day.

 

If I can pretend, I don’t depend… (I can deny, deny denial)

10.19.15 -000
Music/title: Invisible Monsters; Motion City Soundtrack
_ _

 

“Yet when push comes to shove and all the above,
I decide to live the lie.”

. . .. . …. .

 

I’d like to say I have it all figure out,
But you know better than anyone that’s not true.

. . .

 

Why am I here… Why are any of us?
Everyone thinks they have the answers….
But what makes me so comfortable admitting that I don’t?

I used to watch the world around me.
I watched everyone live encompassed in their safe, warm little bubbles of life.
I watched them stuck in their day-in-day-out routine,
When, in reality, I felt I was one of the few people truly living…

What made me so different?
Because I knew how harsh and cruel the world could actually be?
[ …Does my strength make you weak? ]

 

I lost a friend because I felt them inferior.
I lost a friend because I loved them enough to tell them the truth.
I lost a friend because that truth brought them fear…

 

 

Maybe this is how it always ends.
Maybe this is how it will always be.
But, again….

 

…..What makes me so comfortable admitting that?

 

And you’ll never know anyone now….

10.19.15 -1

Music/title: Fog; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“But if you get up now, you can try to survive.”

. . .. …

 

I would’ve given you anything in that moment-
Whatever you named, it was yours…

Holding your head in my lap, as I did a year ago…
I felt your tears streaming onto my skin-
My heart aching to watch you desperately cling to the boy inside.

 

You’re never really old enough to deal with these things.
….And I’m sorry you have to.

 

/ / /

 
I’ve been trying to figure it out my whole life…

09.19.15 [52/52] My heart is my armor- She’s the tear in my heart, she’s a carver. She’s a butcher with a smile, cut me farther… (Than I’ve ever been)

09.19.15
Music/title: Tear In My Heart; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

Dear Arden,


You once told me that you wanted to make me happier
than anything else on this planet. 
You said that from the day we met,
you wanted me to be as happy with *myself* as you are with me.
And maybe that’s what I’ve actually been searching for…
Not someone to fill this persistent void I hold inside, but, instead..
Someone to encourage me in accepting it.

You are what drives me-
What pulls me to keep demanding more from life.

And you are the *only* reason I’ve ever been able to keep
in wanting my own happiness…

I love you, Arden.. More than anything else.
You don’t have to fight for me for anymore,
Because I’m here. And I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you,
My best friend.

 

::breathes deep::   …And here we go.

 
I’ll see you all in a month…  ;]

 

 

09.05.15 [50/52] For what have I been living for? …When will I find out the answer- (An answer that is only for you)

09.05.15
Music/title: Let Me Hear; Fear, and Loathing In Las Vegas
_ _

 

“Let me hear, Let me hear, Let me hear…”

.. . …
 

On some level I think you knew I wouldn’t come back.
 

So I found myself craving help more than my own self destruction.
And that- That’s when you really surprised me….

 

 

 

[ “…Could you feel me screaming out?” ]
 

08.29.15 [49/52] What will we do when we get old, will we walk down the same road? (…Will you be there, by my side?)

08.29.15
Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

“The nights are long,
Longing for you to come home…”

. . ..

 

How am I supposed to do this?
How am I supposed to give up my time with you for them?
I was so ready not long ago,
And now I’m doubting every urge within myself.

 

Something tells me I will just know when it’s right, but what if I’m too late?
What if my mind is ready, but my body has far past its limitations?

I fucking hate this.
I hate the urges.  I hate the pressure.  I don’t even fucking WANT them.
YOU are the only reason I want any of this…
Am I so wrong to be terrified that they will take you away?

 

 
Then who would I be?
Surely not the person that created this ‘love’…..
 

/ / /

 
All we need is somebody to lean on..