Music/title: Tattooed Tears; The Front Bottoms
I hear her whisper,
“All I want is to want nothing.”
.. . ..
You wanted me to want it for so long.
Your dream- Your idea of ‘perfect beauty’ all wrapped up in a singular, well-formed package.
And then suddenly the dream is a forced reality.
And my formerly structured self perspective falls to pieces within my own hands.
You say, “No, that’s not right.”
It wasn’t supposed to happen this way…
“You can’t teach God anything.”
And I can’t tell you the reality brings my confidence to tears….
/ / /
There is no music when we kiss…
Music/title: Father; The Front Bottoms
“I’ll do the pushups,
I’ll wear the makeup.”
.. .. …
It feels almost as if I’ve misplaced the entire door to my home-
Left wandering aimlessly with keys in hand.
It’s coming back.
Slowly, but surely…
..I’m finding the door to myself again.
/ / /
I’ll do whatever he wants all night.
Music/title: Tight; Mindless Self Indulgence
“I could be the one that you want.”
. … …
I am tired.
I am withdrawn.
Still, the urge continues to strike.
…..Why did I ever stop this?
[ Isn’t it what you love to do? ]
. … ….
Some days I really feel I am in the wrong profession.
Music/title: Say My Name (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
“So take a chance,
Take a chance.”
.. … .
Stop. Rewind. And reorder everything.
Is this not all you ever thought it would be?
This beautiful life you’ve created.
The world everyone envies….
Is it enough?
[ Has it ever really been so? ]
Let’s escape these all encompassing thoughts;
Keep them from slowly, surely dissecting from the inside out.
You think you want to preserve this life?
Oh, my dear love,
You’ve never wanted to preserve anything….
Music/title: For The Silent; Say Anything
“It’s not much better than death,
Giving up on everything.”
. .. … .
I keep thinking I’ll get lucky.
That just the right person must be out there, somewhere…
I am hopeful. I am nostalgic. (I am lonely.)
And it consumes me.
Why should I care?
Why should I need them to ‘complete’ myself?
[ Because you’re weak. ]
Faith in humanity… To think that people call this a strength….
It’s a fucking hindrance to my sanity.
. … …
Maybe he made me this way,
Maybe this is how I’ve always been..
…Does the road traveled really change this outcome?
Music/title: Lone Digger; Caravan Palace
“Your head has no right to say no- Tonight it’s “Ready, set, go!”
. .. …
I can’t recommend this song and music video enough..
There really is just nothing quite like electronic swing music.
And there really is no one that does it quite like Caravan Palace.
Things have been awful.
I am awful.
But I suppose we are forever moving forward.
Even when we don’t want to…
Who the fuck am I lately?
Even I don’t know.
Music/title: Giving Up The Gun; Vampire Weekend
“My ears are blown to bits from all the rifle hits,
But still I crave that sound.”
. .. .. .
Sometimes I just need to post, even if I have nothing to say…
Music/title: I Don’t Care If You’re Contagious; Pierce the Veil
“I’m gonna tear out the thread one by one from your skin…”
.. . .. ..
The weight of this life proves heavier with every single breath.
….How long before it’s finally too much?
Music/title: This Ain’t No Place For Animals; Hands Like Houses
“Tear back the skin to find,
to chase a pulse back home.”
.. . …
[ Life is just so goddamn hard… Every time I get to the good parts, it feels like something else takes them away. I feel one day I won’t be able to handle anything else, and that I’ll just break down. ]
“Then I will pick your pieces back up and put you back together.
Because I will never let you give up. And even if you can’t believe in yourself,
I will make you believe in the me that believes in you.”
/ / /
And we still know nothing…
Music/title: Let’s Fall In Love Some More; Al Bairre
“…You’re nothing like me.”
. . … .
You are right.
You were there with me through a lot of fucked up shit- But we are separate people.
With separate interests.
And despite how much you love me,
I don’t think you really like me as a person.
You don’t like any of the people I am friends with.
Or the people I date.
Or the choices I make in life-
What is left but the bond from being held hostage together?
I stopped talking to you years ago.
You are the one that wanted to start this again, if you remember.
So maybe it’s better this way after all…
/ / /
Forever, and not at all..