Music/title: Don’t Fuck This Up; Andrew Applepie
“I swear I’m not trying to fuck you up.”
I saw myself in her;
A former self-
A truly dedicated slave.
Surely she’s still alive in there.
The older I get, the further away it becomes.
A more distant dream.
One I used to have, to want daily..
Where did it go?
Who have I become?
It’s okay if I like the changes, right?
[ You know you could always ask him.
He knows more about you than you think.
..Don’t forget how this all began. ]
/ / /
Good Mythical Morning.
Music/title: Brazil; Declan McKenna
…What have I become?
. . ..
Each holiday with him feels more as it should’ve growing up.
/ / /
I miss creating my little frozen pieces of time.
Admittedly, I’m considering another photo project here-
Show of hands who would be in favor of this in the coming year?
Music/title: Admit It!; Say Anything
“Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done;
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become.”
. . … …. .
I’ve never cried at a concert before.
I’ve never felt such a connection with a band as this.
Perhaps it’s his lyrics.
Perhaps it’s his own bi-polar disorder’s pertinence to my mother.
Maybe he makes me hate her just a little bit less..
Seventeen years, two days, and fifty-four songs later-
Max Bemis still performs each and every note as if it’s his first.
The emotion portrayed was breathtaking,
and with his final ‘Walk Through Hell’ I couldn’t help myself…
/ / /
And I say yeah (what do you..)
Music/title: Say My Name (Emancipator Remix); ODESZA
“So, what’d you say?”
. . .. .
Just tell him already.
…You know you want it.
Music/title: Atlas; Good Kid
“She said she was nothing but eager.”
. . .. ..
This is out of character.
But isn’t everything lately?
I mean honestly, what hasn’t changed?
I tell myself I will be complete when X happens, but X never comes, does it?
We never reach the end; The course never goes as planned..
And we’re not the character we intended to become.
/ / /
Then you said you said you said you said you said…
Music/title: Freaky Love; Captain Kidd
Recurring Siamese dream-
Illuminate hallucinations burnt into the back of your mind..”
. . .. .
I see the remnants of the fire, but where is the spark?
The slow down is building.
The desire is fueling,
But I can’t seem to ignite.
“And what I need
Is your body
(Your freaky love)”
Music/title: Oceans; The Fray
“There goes the sun, oceans away!”
. . . ..
Better and better it gets.
This is where I needed to be.
I want it all.
I want everything life took from me- All of it.
I refuse to feel guilt,
because I deserve this.
The hand life deals does not dictate the end result- don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise.
I should be dead.
But I am not.
So throw away those shitty cards.
Open a new deck- A new world.
Re-imagine life the way you want,
And take it.
Music/title: Wasted On You (feat. ROZES); Louis Futon
“I’m wasted on you.”
. . … .. …..
Liberating doesn’t begin to cover it.
A twinge of denial, maybe.
I still can’t believe it all. Everything seems so surreal in our lives.
Did you plan this from the start?
A part of me believes I had nothing to do with it. That it was all thanks to others. The bad parts of my mind attempt to latch on- hopes of some form of sabotage..
..the other side.
The part that has drug me through all the blood and tears… That part is proud.
Look at how far you’ve come. ..Look at what you’ve done for yourself..
Aren’t you so happy now?
If I ever believed in a God,
now would be the time to thank him.
/ / /
We keep it going just like we always do, we do..
Music/title: 1000 Doors; The Living Tombstone
“I’m losing the sense of where I am.”
. .. .
Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to cover it.
I miss this.
I miss the therapeutic nature of it all. I want to peel back the layers I have pasted onto myself; to escape the norm. This is what we aim for, right? The materialism. The cookie cutters, and decisive actions.
I can feel how close we are.
…Why can’t we grasp it?
Music/title: Angela; The Lumineers
“Let the exits pass, all the tar and glass-
‘Til the road and sky align.”
. . .
I just need to catch my breath,
then everything will be okay, right?
The dark parts of my brain are seeping through.
[ But you did it- you’re FREE. ]
Is that so?
I claim the void is supposed to be empty,
So why can’t I stop trying to fill it?