These memories are nothing to me, just salt in the wound…

Music/title: Salt; Bad Suns
_ _


“And I don’t believe in the truth, truth.”

. . . .. . . … . .


I shouldn’t have cried.
I shouldn’t have given you hope.
I should’ve spoken every bitter word I swallowed.
But I listened.


Because that’s what you do, right?
That’s what’s polite?

[ I was merely being polite. ]

It didn’t affect me.
[ I didn’t wish to believe. ]

___ ___


What do you do when the darkest parts of you are shaken?


…You hope to hell that you’re right.

11.23.12 [332] And what can their small words say when they say them that way?

Music/title: Belt; Say Anything
_ _
And I’d like to throw everything to into the wind now.. To take off. Let’s live in our cars; on the road ..taking everything we can while we’re still young. Let’s live like we’re never gonna die- Our invincible blood holding each other together every step of the way. And when, and only when, we’re good and ready.. let’s come back. To our beds. To the lives that we’d built for ourselves…
Let’s die peacefully; knowing we truly did live.
/ / /
Some days words and exposed skin are what I do best.
And some days I don’t really know what I’m doing..


10.23.12 [301] You wrecked me when you stepped out.

Music/title: Wounded Healer (Live! from the Troubadour); Watsky
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It’s never enough for me.. To feel wanted has become such an addiction,
I don’t think I even realize when I’m giving in to it lately. It’s usually not a problem.
Unless.. ..Well, unless I really care about the person. And said person falls in love with me.
And I love someone else, who they then have to hear about every time they see me.
..swallowing their love for me like a fucking brick.
“I don’t know. In a way I like being all the love with you, even when it hurts.
But I have decided that we can only be friends. I know that has always been known,
but I live in a fantasy world you see. ..and have these weird delusions of things that I think could be.
So I am going to get over myself tonight.”

He’s been playing it off as though it’s nothing so well for so long..
This hurts. I’m hurting him, and it’s hurting me..
“You can’t love everyone, Bettina.
..and everyone can’t love you..”


10.10.12 [288] And I’m feeling like I gotta get away, get away, get away.. Do you really wanna know what’s next?

Music/title: E.T. Feels Starry Eyed (Club Mix); Kap Slap
_ _
I can see it all in his face. The hurt. The want. All of his emotions right there in front of me, laid out on this tiny platter. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t feel bad, but I do. I feel guilty in some way, but, more, I just know exactly how he’s feeling, and that part is what really gets me.
He’ll be fine. As long as I continue on being the same friend as I have been, he’ll be fine.
::nods to self::
/ / /
This was more appropriate than any photo I could’ve taken with my camera.

10.09.12 [287] They say, “Be afraid, you’re not like the others.” Next thing, we’re touching.. We are always running for the thrill of it, thrill of it.

Music/title: E.T. Feels Starry Eyed (Club Mix); Kap Slap
_ _
“You just look so vulnerable..”
Arden admitted he loves me. We’d both been awake for over 24 hours. He didn’t know what to do with all the emotions he was feeling, and I tried to help.. but I really don’t think there is anything to do.
I admitted I felt bad. He said that’s exactly what he didn’t want. But how could I not? ..with Erica.. knowing what it feels like to love someone and knowing they don’t love you back? It was tearing me up inside. I wanted to give him everything he wanted right then. To kiss him and hold him and, just, everything.. But for all the wrong reasons. Selfish reasons, possibly- to make myself feel better about the situation. I feel as though I dug my own grave here, but it’s never just one person.
I’m not entirely blaming myself for once.
And I don’t know what to do.
/ / /
A person does have have a certain vulnerable, naked look to them when they deprive themselves of sleep. Whether or not they actually are naked.

…it’s in the eyes.

09.24.12 [272] And you’d hold me. I’d remind you who you are… Under their shell..

Music/title: A Walk Through Hell; Say Anything
_ _
I used to say I wanted to live a pointless, meaningless life.
“Life may be pointless, but it’s not meaningless. is definitely not meaningless.”

*stares out at the lake*
I kinda want to throw a rock out there..
-to say I changed something.
*digs rock out of bench*
“..Here.” *smiles*

/ / /
&& we watched as all the ripples changed just for us. ♥

09.09.12 [257] The stars will become so close, and there will be nowhere that I can’t run. Ooooh, there’s nothing sad about it..


Music/title: I Hope I Become A Ghost; The Deadly Syndrome
_ _
“Seriously? ..why? Waste of time, money, and your life. If you wanna die jump off a bridge. Take a bath with a toaster. Don’t delay the fuck out of it.”
. .. . … .
These are the words I choose for my brother that’s currently on his way to pick up some speed, possibly do some coke later in the week. He’s apparently “at the bottom.”
I’m not sure if it bothers me more that he’s going to do them, or that I meant every word I said.
Somebody beat the fuck out of me.
/ / /
This photo wasn’t originally meant to feel so dark…

08.22.12 [239] Things won’t change until we do.


Music/title: Changes (Shlohmo Remix); LOL Boys
_ _
“I have these feelings for you,” He says as he runs a hand down my arched back and perfectly displayed ass. “..Some might call them love.” He grips my ass tightly; admiring his property.
“I have feelings for you that some might call love as well, Sir.” I tighten my position. I want to turn to him, to ask him to hurt me …that I desperately want to hurt for him. This is the only way I can think to show him how much I love and trust him.
I would’ve let him destroy me right in that moment. I would’ve gladly let him break me until I didn’t recognize myself as a person anymore. I don’t know if it was my love for him, or my complete devotion as a slave that felt such a pull to give myself to him. But, my god, how I’ve missed being this..
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything.”
/ / /
He finally said it. Later, after everything else… “I do love you.”
And he said it again the next day, and the next..

07.21.12 [207] And I will leave you in the springtime. Send your letters to Colorado …Where I’ll be.

Music/title: Where I’ll Be; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
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I’d like to date someone who has actual parents. I’d like to adopt them as my own and finally be able to have that ‘good daughter’ feeling in my life.
Most of the time not having parents or a real family doesn’t bother me. But sometimes …Sometimes it’s like a mild crushing weight is put on my chest when I’m reminded I’m without this. Sometimes I just want a parent to see what I’ve done and say, “I’m proud of you, Bettina.”
Sometimes I hate people with real families because of this..