06.20.15 [39/52] But look at me.. (Oh, what a mess.)

Music/title: Release; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“Careful, Bettina…
You might make me cry too.”

. .. . …


I feel like I should just hide when I feel this way from you.
I feel like it’d be easier for you. I think maybe you’re right- I do act as if it’s the end of the world.
But it’s more than just that.  I think I still have trouble staying happy.  It’s just so much more comfortable to be sad, and I think I gravitate towards that most of the time without realization.

All the more reason I feel like I should hide it from you- ‘Cause I don’t feel like it’s real.
I feel like it’s this fictional sadness I made up in my own mind.. Because, in it’s own weird way..
It’s comforting.

If I’m right, then I’m pathetic and weak in doing so.
Couldn’t I just stop the feelings if I’m the one that created them?  In theory, I could.
The part that worries me is that maybe deep down I just don’t want to.
Maybe I enjoy this feeling more than feeling happy?

This is part of why I don’t think I should have children.
This is part of why I thought I’d be alone forever-
Because I’m terrified the desire for self destruction is always going to outweigh everything else.

So far you’ve been the only thing in my entire life that’s made me feel like I could have more than this- Like I could choose to be happy for more than just a moment.

So I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.
I’m sorry if you don’t understand any of this- Just please know that I’m trying.
That I try *really* hard to overcome this feeling for you all the time….


Always hesitating to say I don’t want to feel this way,
Always afraid that I actually do…



06.13.15 [38/52] And if my God allows for me to speak again, I only hope I am wiser… (I’ll say nothing at all)

Music/title: My Mouth, My Lips; From Indian Lakes
_ _


“But I can hear all the words spilling over my lips,
And I can taste every lie..”

. .. ….


You think you’re okay with it, until everything starts..
And then you’re knee deep in this- This life you’ve made for yourself.
The life you’ve so perfectly crafted out of absolutely nothing- Your own personal utopia..

Better than anything, and still never enough.

/ / /

Maybe one day it will be..

I’ve let me down, down, down, down…. (Oh let me have release)

03.14.15 -19
Music/title: Release; Imagine Dragons
_ _


You’ve always thought so…
But what if this isn’t the right solution- What if it doesn’t ‘fix’ anything?
[ What if nothing ever fixes it... ]

Then what will you do?
[ If you never feel complete; if nothing is ever finished.. ]
If you put everything you have into this part of life,
And you’re left with less than before– You think you have all the right answers?


…We’re about to find out.

06.06.15 [37/52] So you gotta fire up, you gotta let go… You never know the top till you get too low!

05.31.15 -0
Music/title: I’m So Sorry; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“Does it need to be complicated?

You have an incredible story, and an artist you admire wants to hear it.
That’s validation.  A little bit more proof that you’re alive and that you have risen above your past.”

. .. …


I s’pose we’re past the point of being modest..
It’s all or nothing now- You think you want someone to know what you went through?


…Well, here we go.


/ / /

Life isn’t always what you think it’d be…

05.30.15 [36/52] Ohh, love is a polaroid- Better in picture, but never can fill the void.. (How did it come to this?)

Music/title: Polaroid; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“Your story sounds so amazing- I’m so proud of you for making your way through so many struggles and coming out on top.”

dan reynolds

.. . .. ..

Just when you least expect it, there life goes- Blindsiding everything you know.
And just like that, everything changes…


/ / /
And I am the color of boom..

05.23.15 [35/52] Can you save, Can you save my… Can you save my heavy dirty soul? (For me, for me, oh)

Music/title: Heavydirtysoul; Twenty One Pilots
_ _


Isn’t it always this way?

. .. . ..


Most of the time it blends together.
Each session running into the next- But this… This time..
God, to be in that moment again..

Your nails digging unforgivingly into my hips,
My own body completely crushed beneath the weight of you-
Convulsion, after convulsion, after convulsion,
It’s always this way..


And I am never more complete, when completely without control.

/ / /

Oh, oh, I’m falling..

I think I lost my halo.. I don’t know where you are, you’ll have to come and find me- (FIND ME!)

Music/title: Polarize; Twenty One Pilots
_ _


“We have problems.”

. . ….


Sometimes I lie to people-
Telling them it’s no big deal, that I don’t give a shit about her.
‘Why the fuck do you even care?!’ ..I tell myself.

You think I called you cause I miss you… I was merely filling the insatiable void.

. . .


One of these days I won’t be able to hide anymore.
..And then where will we be?


05.16.15 [34/52] Love is always the catalyst; You make music in my heart… (And I can’t stop it from happening)

05.16.15 -4
Music/title: Anti-Venom; Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker
_ _


“Could you not feel the urgency,
And insist there’s something more?”

. .. ….


There it is, once again..
Deep in the pit of my stomach- That restlessness; craving to be let go.
I hold the idea firmly in my hands, If only just a taste..
But, ‘The truth is always the anti-venom.’


..And I really can’t stop this from happening.


/ / /

The truth is…