09.19.15 [52/52] My heart is my armor- She’s the tear in my heart, she’s a carver. She’s a butcher with a smile, cut me farther… (Than I’ve ever been)

09.19.15
Music/title: Tear In My Heart; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

Dear Arden,


You once told me that you wanted to make me happier
than anything else on this planet. 
You said that from the day we met,
you wanted me to be as happy with *myself* as you are with me.
And maybe that’s what I’ve actually been searching for…
Not someone to fill this persistent void I hold inside, but, instead..
Someone to encourage me in accepting it.

You are what drives me-
What pulls me to keep demanding more from life.

And you are the *only* reason I’ve ever been able to keep
in wanting my own happiness…

I love you, Arden.. More than anything else.
You don’t have to fight for me for anymore,
Because I’m here. And I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you,
My best friend.

 

::breathes deep::   …And here we go.

 
I’ll see you all in a month…  ;]

 

 

09.05.15 [50/52] For what have I been living for? …When will I find out the answer- (An answer that is only for you)

09.05.15
Music/title: Let Me Hear; Fear, and Loathing In Las Vegas
_ _

 

“Let me hear, Let me hear, Let me hear…”

.. . …
 

On some level I think you knew I wouldn’t come back.
 

So I found myself craving help more than my own self destruction.
And that- That’s when you really surprised me….

 

 

 

[ “…Could you feel me screaming out?” ]
 

08.29.15 [49/52] What will we do when we get old, will we walk down the same road? (…Will you be there, by my side?)

08.29.15
Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

“The nights are long,
Longing for you to come home…”

. . ..

 

How am I supposed to do this?
How am I supposed to give up my time with you for them?
I was so ready not long ago,
And now I’m doubting every urge within myself.

 

Something tells me I will just know when it’s right, but what if I’m too late?
What if my mind is ready, but my body has far past its limitations?

I fucking hate this.
I hate the urges.  I hate the pressure.  I don’t even fucking WANT them.
YOU are the only reason I want any of this…
Am I so wrong to be terrified that they will take you away?

 

 
Then who would I be?
Surely not the person that created this ‘love’…..
 

/ / /

 
All we need is somebody to lean on..

08.22.15 [48/52] Do you recall, not long ago- We would walk on the sidewalk… (Innocent, remember?)

08.22.15Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

“We would only hold on to let go.”

. .. . …

 

[ Was it comfortable?
…Did you revel in the slight attempt of self destruction? ]

 . . .

I wonder- Am I merely a fake?
Like everyone else- Only after my own gratification?
I used to watch you pass by; judging so harshly the perfect sphere you found yourself within..

 

Hurting others for my own self fulfillment.
…How much better could I truly be?
 

/ / /

 
Blow a kiss, fire a gun…

07.18.15 [43/52] And covered in skin- We are, we are the same things (We touch in the dark rooms) ..But I wont tell you what I am hiding up my sleeve.

07.18.15
Music/title: Handsome Girl; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
_ _

 

“One thing I do know.. That he loves you-
Probably more than anyone else ever will.”

.. … ..

 

The closer we get, the harder my lungs collapse.
I feel like I don’t how to do this; like I am blindly throwing myself forward..
..Yet all I can think of is your smile. 

Your big, loving eyes staring down at me.  I see my entire body fold in on itself with every breath, and I see your face.. I see how wonderfully happy I’ve made you.  I see all those years of waiting; all the years of standing by through friendship… Hoping each day I might be ready for it.

A whole year and a half- those words…

 

 

And it’s then I realize you’re all I’ve ever wanted from anything.

 

/ / /

 
And I have chosen to choose you..