Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
“We would only hold on to let go.”
. .. . …
[ Was it comfortable?
…Did you revel in the slight attempt of self destruction? ]
. . .
I wonder- Am I merely a fake?
Like everyone else- Only after my own gratification?
I used to watch you pass by; judging so harshly the perfect sphere you found yourself within..
Hurting others for my own self fulfillment.
…How much better could I truly be?
/ / /
Blow a kiss, fire a gun…
Music/title: All Choked Up; Say Anything
[ And when I see him, I want them again and again… ]
/ / /
I want to give him everything he’s ever thought about having with me when we were just friends. I want to drown myself in the feel of him; the taste of his skin. I want to violently shake him, screaming and crying out, “I love you, take it all from me!” until I can’t breathe anymore. I want to give him children- This, the one thing I swore I’d never give anyone, not even myself…..
I’ve never wanted this before, why can’t I swallow these feelings now?
Music/title: Title and Registration; Death Cab For Cutie
“I know you didn’t want to bake a cake.”
.. .. …
I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to anything he does for me.
I feel like I am entitled to nothing in this world,
but everyone keeps telling me I deserve everything, if anyone does..
Maybe no one ever really deserves anything.
People keep telling me I do, though…
And they tell me I was right in ending that friendship.
And they tell me I’m a good person.
And that I’ve never tried to truly hurt anyone.
I don’t think this is about cake anymore…..
. .. . .. ..
“I know it’s hard sometimes,
and you want to be able to just pick something up for yourself,
or have something made for you.
And I know that’s hard to do,
but I will do whatever I can to make you happy.”
[ A response to a failed baking of a gluten free cake,
and the acquiring of a new one. ]
Music/title: Mining For Diamonds // Beach Binaural Beatbox Version; THePETEBOX w/Swimming
Sex has always been a way to feel used-
An escape for the other, darker side of me.
An accepted form of self destruction.
Even when it seems ‘normal’ on the outside, inside I’m really turning everything that’s happening against me. I’m imagining their hands are touching me only because they want to- Because they can, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I imagine being a slave to the person.. Used whenever they need.
I imagine rape..
. .. . ……
“I think you’re changing a bit, Bettina.”
[ Oh? ]
“Yeah. Not drastically, but a bit..
We just had sex in a way that people ‘make love’
…And you enjoyed it.”
[ ::wells up with tears:: …I didn’t realize- I’ve never done that..
. …. ..
I think I just let myself feel happy, Arden.. ]
/ / /
Thank you for making me feel something I thought was next to impossible to feel in my life.
Music/title: Not Your Fault; Awolnation
I’ve never quite felt this way before.
It’s the same, but it’s different.
It’s more than just ‘I love you’ or ‘I really like you’..
I fucking want this.
More than anything I’ve ever wanted.
Falling in love with my best friend is possibly the best and potentially worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
I feel good about this..
Music/title: Ashes; Jack & The Bear
We walked around Ann Arbor, held hands, swung in some art, and stumbled upon this wonderful band.
And later, when it was dark and we were home cuddling, I was staring at her. Trying so hard to just say it. She noticed and asked. So I buried my face in her chest, squeezing her like I was holding on for my life, and finally said it..
“I love you.”
And you know what?
She said it back. ♥