Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
“I’ll grow up and get sad.”
. …. .
If only I’d known…
I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.
All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.
What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?
[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.
Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love.. ]
Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..
If only they knew.
/ / /
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..
Music/title: Young Robot; Dance Gavin Dance
“Feeling like a savage,
You know I gotta have it.”
I thought I would enjoy firing her.
It was so justified, you know?
But here I am.
Drinking with Dance Gavin Dance.. Reminiscing in 2013.
What am I doing?
Two more months.
I can keep it together for two more months. ..Right?
/ / /
It’s been long time coming..
Music/title: Dreams; Beck
“Ahhhh, here we are…
Running circles around around around around.”
. … ..
I’ve never been quite this close.
Just the taste of it- Christ.
I’ve wanted this for so long.
Dreamed about it.
All pieces are fitting so perfectly.
My bubble- Almost complete.
So much work;
So many awful experiences just to get to this moment.
I truly have dreamed of a place to call home.
…And it’s finally within my grasp.
/ / /
Oh just you wait and see.
Music/title: Go With It; TOKiMONSTA
“Ay oh, let it go-
See the big picture
Explode- Like a light bulb,
Let it unfold.
Just go, go with it.”
/ / /
…Does this make me weak?
Music/title: Over and Over; Al Bairre
Sometimes it’s meant to end this way.
. . .
Music/title: It’s Only (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
“It’s only slaughter,
We’re only liars,
It’s only blood.”
To be wanted; to be needed- A mutual addiction.
It’s all you ever desired, Da?
Such a strong emotion...
But you sure know that, don’t you?
[ yes. ]
I know you miss it- The way it’s all played..
That’s why you choose them, isn’t it?
Because who else could control what you have obtained..
The psycho and sociopaths.
The unloved and unwanted of society- You crave them;
Crave the mutual addiction of the unattainable.
[ “They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.” ]
To be wanted; to be needed is simple.
Oh, but to be desired by them….
True emotional ecstasy.
. . .
"You’re only crying, you’re only dying, you’re only dead."
Music/title: Below; From Indian Lakes
“I am like them,
reaching for anything else.”
. ….. ..
Such a feeble, simple minded piece of human garbage- I truly loathe every fiber of you.
The same could be said for most, I s’pose….
But really- Is it so goddamn hard?!
You truly do create quite the unique hell…
And I can’t wait for the day it finally burns you up for good.
Music/title: Winter Breaks Me; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
“Give me what you came for,
(Give me something better.)”
. ….. .
How was that?
[ How are we? ]
Sometimes I wish we had a destination;
A place we could finally be close enough.
Do you remember?
That first year?
We more than kissed.
You more than held me.
The year nothing felt close enough.
How that was,
How we are-
I s’pose this is just that.
Music/title: Tyler; The Toadies
“I will be with her tonight!”
. .. . ..
I thought I was so, so sure of it all..
Is it actually necessary to go through every single desire?
…Will this achieve my sense of self-fulfillment?
I’d like to think not….
. .. . ..
“I gave up that life for her.”
Maybe this is what he meant.
I thought finding someone to embrace that life was all that mattered…
And then I thought differently. I thought I was wrong.
….I fucking hope I haven’t been right from the start.
/ / /
I hear the fear in her voice…
Music/title: Stay Outside; From Indian Lakes
.. . .. …
I suppose I should say a few words to mark the occasion…..
…But all I feel is a sense of dread.