Another door, another question- I’m going ’round in circles, wondering when I’ll reach the end… (and I can’t help but give in)


Music/title: 1000 Doors; The Living Tombstone
_ _

 

“I’m losing the sense of where I am.”

. .. .

 

Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to cover it.

I miss this.
I miss the therapeutic nature of it all. I want to peel back the layers I have pasted onto myself; to escape the norm. This is what we aim for, right? The materialism. The cookie cutters, and decisive actions.

I can feel how close we are.

 

…Why can’t we grasp it?

 

Remember last year when you told me, to always stay here and never leave me.. (The light from your eyes made it feel like we-e-e-e were dancing in the moonlight)


Music/title: Moonlight; Grace Vanderwaal
_ _

 

“These will be a life long stories.”

. . …

 

Four days and counting.
If you could see me now..

My life- In boxes again.
But this time I am making a home for myself.
I am creating everything that you took from me.

I am in control.

 

And you won’t ever take it from me again.
 

Daddy, I don’t wanna grow up anyway- Grown ups are all sad… (Doesn’t matter where I come from anyway)


Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
_ _

 

“I’ll grow up and get sad.”

. …. .

 

If only I’d known…
 

I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.

Not me.

All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.

What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?

.

[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.

Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love..
]

Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..

 

If only they knew.

/ / /

 
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..

Oh, and what’s the world becoming? No.. (What have we- What have we done?)


Music/title: Drowning World feat. Bjurman; Andrew Applepie
_ _

 

“So, so, so- “

. … ..

 

Covering it up breaks my heart.
Preemptively, even more so.

But it it must be done.
Twenty-eight years, and I’m ready for change. I’ve grown too comfortable in this world, in this skin. I need new.
I need out of routine.

“So, so, so- “

 

It must be done.

/ / /

 

I highly recommend this song.
A big thank you to Casey Neistat for introducing me to the love that is Andrew Applepie. <3

She said, “Drink that love don’t demand it. ‘Cause baby I can’t stand it when you look so pathetic…”


Music/title: Young Robot; Dance Gavin Dance
_ _

 

“Feeling like a savage,
You know I gotta have it.”

. ..

 

I thought I would enjoy firing her.
It was so justified, you know?

But here I am.
Drinking with Dance Gavin Dance.. Reminiscing in 2013.

What am I doing?

*sigh*

 

Two more months.
I can keep it together for two more months. ..Right?

/ / /

 
It’s been long time coming..

Live wide awake (yeah), am I a stranger? Just all alone.. (Addicted to my other self)


Music/title: Good Morning; Grouplove
_ _

 

“And I can’t tell.”

. . ..

 

I’ll never understand other women.
I’m just trying to be a manager, buy a house- be an adult
And they are just a bunch of dramatic bitches cry babies.

You’ll never get anywhere in life, if you don’t grow a fucking pair. Christ.

 

Ranting aside, yes!
I am buying a house. Or at least in the process of doing so.
HOW EXCITING! :D

Really-
We are beyond excited. We’ve been looking since January, and it’s picture perfect. Literally- I’m going to take a million pictures, because the house is a piece of fucking art. GAH.

The floors…

*sighs*

 

…Just you wait and see.

/ / /

 
p.s. A late 2016 selfie treat. ::smiles::

Nothing gonna get me in my world…. (I wanna get me free!)


Music/title: Dreams; Beck
_ _

 

“Ahhhh, here we are…
Running circles around around around around.”

. … ..

 

I’ve never been quite this close.
Just the taste of it- Christ.
I’ve wanted this for so long.
Dreamed about it.
Prayed, even.

All pieces are fitting so perfectly.
My puzzle.
My world.
My bubble- Almost complete.

So much work;
So many awful experiences just to get to this moment.
I truly have dreamed of a place to call home.

…And it’s finally within my grasp.

/ / /

 

Oh just you wait and see.
::smirks::

Our house is falling over- Don’t drown me, I’m underwater. Let’s call this whole thing over… (Why are you here?)


Music/title: Just a Like Song; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“Upside down,
Inside out..
(Anywhere you wanna be)”

. . … .

 

[ But I’m not qualified for anything. ]

“You’re always saying that.”

[ What am I qualified for then? ]

“….”


 

Decisions.
Change.
Good or bad.
Right or wrong.

I hate choice.
I want to be told what to do-
I want subservience;
To be a slave.

– –
 

But, darling… You wear the mask so well.

/ / /

 

Disbanded treats.
Thank you, Al Bairre. <3
 

You gave up being good when you declared a state of war… (I DON’T BEHAVE, I DON’T BEHAVE, OH EH)


Music/title: Kill V. Maim; Grimes
_ _

 

“Oh, the fire, it’s alright.
The people touch it-
I can’t touch it, even though it’s mine.”

. .. …

 

I couldn’t think of a single trait of hers I carried within me.

Was I happy?
Would I really want to be like her?

I sure used to think so.
I haven’t thought of her in a while.
I haven’t needed to.

She could be dead with all the others as far as I know.
…Wouldn’t that be a treat.

Do you think most daughters wish their mothers dead today?

 

Can you even stomach the concept?

/ / /

 
And I do what I can.