And days die young… (When you’re gone, and you’re gone)


Music/title: Oceans; The Fray
_ _

 

“There goes the sun, oceans away!”

. . . ..

 

Better and better it gets.
This is where I needed to be.

.

I want it all.
I want everything life took from me- All of it.
I refuse to feel guilt,
because I deserve this.

The hand life deals does not dictate the end result- don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise.

I should be dead.
But I am not.

.

 

So throw away those shitty cards.
Open a new deck- A new world.
Re-imagine life the way you want,

And take it.

Oh, and what’s the world becoming? No.. (What have we- What have we done?)


Music/title: Drowning World feat. Bjurman; Andrew Applepie
_ _

 

“So, so, so- “

. … ..

 

Covering it up breaks my heart.
Preemptively, even more so.

But it it must be done.
Twenty-eight years, and I’m ready for change. I’ve grown too comfortable in this world, in this skin. I need new.
I need out of routine.

“So, so, so- “

 

It must be done.

/ / /

 

I highly recommend this song.
A big thank you to Casey Neistat for introducing me to the love that is Andrew Applepie. <3

And are you happy with what you’ve become…. (Can you tell me loudly?)

05.17.18
Music/title: For The Silent; Say Anything
_ _

 

“It’s not much better than death,
Giving up on everything.”

. .. … .

 

I keep thinking I’ll get lucky.
That just the right person must be out there, somewhere…
I am hopeful.  I am nostalgic.  (I am lonely.)

And it consumes me.

 

Why should I care?
Why should I need them to ‘complete’ myself?
[ Because you’re weak. ]

Faith in humanity… To think that people call this a strength….
It’s a fucking hindrance to my sanity.

. … …

 

Maybe he made me this way,
Maybe this is how I’ve always been..

 

…Does the road traveled really change this outcome?

08.29.15 [49/52] What will we do when we get old, will we walk down the same road? (…Will you be there, by my side?)

08.29.15
Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

“The nights are long,
Longing for you to come home…”

. . ..

 

How am I supposed to do this?
How am I supposed to give up my time with you for them?
I was so ready not long ago,
And now I’m doubting every urge within myself.

 

Something tells me I will just know when it’s right, but what if I’m too late?
What if my mind is ready, but my body has far past its limitations?

I fucking hate this.
I hate the urges.  I hate the pressure.  I don’t even fucking WANT them.
YOU are the only reason I want any of this…
Am I so wrong to be terrified that they will take you away?

 

 
Then who would I be?
Surely not the person that created this ‘love’…..
 

/ / /

 
All we need is somebody to lean on..

06.13.15 [38/52] And if my God allows for me to speak again, I only hope I am wiser… (I’ll say nothing at all)

06.14.15
Music/title: My Mouth, My Lips; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“But I can hear all the words spilling over my lips,
And I can taste every lie..”

. .. ….

 

You think you’re okay with it, until everything starts..
And then you’re knee deep in this- This life you’ve made for yourself.
The life you’ve so perfectly crafted out of absolutely nothing- Your own personal utopia..

 
Better than anything, and still never enough.

/ / /

 
Maybe one day it will be..

05.23.15 [35/52] Can you save, Can you save my… Can you save my heavy dirty soul? (For me, for me, oh)


Music/title: Heavydirtysoul; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

 

Isn’t it always this way?

. .. . ..

 

Most of the time it blends together.
Each session running into the next- But this… This time..
God, to be in that moment again..

Your nails digging unforgivingly into my hips,
My own body completely crushed beneath the weight of you-
Convulsion, after convulsion, after convulsion,
It’s always this way..

 

And I am never more complete, when completely without control.

 
/ / /

 
Oh, oh, I’m falling..

04.11.15 [29/52] So I began to hate everything; all at once I was running.. But I couldn’t fake it anymore. (Could you feel me screaming out?)

04.11.15
Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“Who am I to expect anything?”

.. . ….

 

“It’s not too different.
You don’t find depression in a bottle or package.
You make it yourself.  You dispense it from your own mind.

Regardless of my own understanding or lack of empathy, I do love you..
More than anything.


And if I can’t speak to the love of my life-
Take her places and talk her through her own form of addiction, then what kind of man would I be?”

… ….
 

“Do you know why we get sad, Bettina?”

[ No. ]

 

“To remind ourselves why we want to be happy.”