Our house is falling over- Don’t drown me, I’m underwater. Let’s call this whole thing over… (Why are you here?)


Music/title: Just a Like Song; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“Upside down,
Inside out..
(Anywhere you wanna be)”

. . … .

 

[ But I’m not qualified for anything. ]

“You’re always saying that.”

[ What am I qualified for then? ]

“….”


 

Decisions.
Change.
Good or bad.
Right or wrong.

I hate choice.
I want to be told what to do-
I want subservience;
To be a slave.

– –
 

But, darling… You wear the mask so well.

/ / /

 

Disbanded treats.
Thank you, Al Bairre. <3
 

Oh, these soft legged girls, and hard faced boys…. (Do you wish to feel complete?)

01-21-17-0
Music/title: We Are The Sound; Alexisonfire
_ _

 

“Say you want it, you need it.”

. ..

 
If only my heart could harden to match yours.

Perhaps you saw the coldness inside of me first-
Why do I feel such a compulsion to watch you at your best?

Perhaps I am still trying to outdo the darkness living inside..
Something to truly brings me to my knees.

. .

Isn’t that all I ever want?
To serve?
To be your slave?

Through sickness,
Through their death.

. . 
 

I don’t know who I am anymore.

/ / /

 
There is nothing but anger burning inside of me..

05.23.15 [35/52] Can you save, Can you save my… Can you save my heavy dirty soul? (For me, for me, oh)


Music/title: Heavydirtysoul; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

 

Isn’t it always this way?

. .. . ..

 

Most of the time it blends together.
Each session running into the next- But this… This time..
God, to be in that moment again..

Your nails digging unforgivingly into my hips,
My own body completely crushed beneath the weight of you-
Convulsion, after convulsion, after convulsion,
It’s always this way..

 

And I am never more complete, when completely without control.

 
/ / /

 
Oh, oh, I’m falling..

I took them down, I broke down every thought as if they were mine…

04.04.15 -2
Music/title: We Follow; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“I don’t know anything at all…”

. … ..

 

Here I am
Still finding myself consumed by them, my own treacherous thoughts..
But there you are- Holding me firmly; comforting every single fiber of my being..

“At the end of the day… I have you.”

.. …

My Dear Love,

I want to be broken.
I want you to take me apart.
I want to feel the pieces shift, relentlessly shattering to the floor.
I want to be consumed by my own insignificance-

To have you build everything back as it was.. Only better than before.

.. ….
 
Oh, my Dear Sir,

 
Break me yet again. ….for I need to feel complete.

 

Oh, my sweet little girl.. Hold your mouth and you’ll be alright.

06.16.13
 
Music/title: Currents Convulsive; Pierce the Veil
_ _
 
 
I was going to post this Sunday morning. I was going to say this pair of underwear started everything that happened over the course of this weekend. But I know better.
 
Sometimes we have to break ourselves entirely to build back up to where we need to be.
I needed this more than either of us had even begun to realize.
 
Now everything feels as though it has been put back in place.
I feel at home again, and I wonder how I ever got as far away as I did..
 
 
/ / /
 
 
Awake for over 30 hours when I’d taken this.
It fit perfectly, and, if I’d had more time, I would’ve posted then.
 

08.22.12 [239] Things won’t change until we do.

08.22.12

 
Music/title: Changes (Shlohmo Remix); LOL Boys
_ _
 
 
“I have these feelings for you,” He says as he runs a hand down my arched back and perfectly displayed ass. “..Some might call them love.” He grips my ass tightly; admiring his property.
 
“I have feelings for you that some might call love as well, Sir.” I tighten my position. I want to turn to him, to ask him to hurt me …that I desperately want to hurt for him. This is the only way I can think to show him how much I love and trust him.
 
I would’ve let him destroy me right in that moment. I would’ve gladly let him break me until I didn’t recognize myself as a person anymore. I don’t know if it was my love for him, or my complete devotion as a slave that felt such a pull to give myself to him. But, my god, how I’ve missed being this..
 
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything.”
 
 
/ / /
 
He finally said it. Later, after everything else… “I do love you.”
And he said it again the next day, and the next..
 

And as I walk by them they scream and they’re snarling…

05.23.12 -1
 
Music/title: Soldier; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
_ _
 
 
I just can’t wrap my brain around this. I’m fighting with myself in my head again. That’s what I get for too much free time added to my life. I go over and over everything. Analyzing it. Toying with one idea after another. Why do I do this, and why I do that. Oh, it’s all because of “X.”
 
Why must I always feel like every action needs to be accepted? And when is it enough? A single person’s acceptance surely isn’t enough to make me content.
 
I am happy. I like myself right now. Really, I do. ..but goddammit if I don’t want to spend every waking moment submerged in submission. No fear of being rejected. Always knowing when I’ve done something right or wrong.
 
 
I need a break. I need a very, very long break from the real world.
 
::sighs::
 

05.22.12 [147] I want to get away from it all.

05.22.12
 
Music/title: Cotton Heads; Caravan Palace
_ _
 
 
I’ve never really dated anyone the normal way. You meet. You go somewhere you both decided was acceptable. You spend time together. And then you go home. I s’pose what I’m doing with Ross would count.. ? Except I’m also semi-dating a girl. And we decided removal of all clothes was necessary towards the end of the date. … Yes. I would say that still counts.
 
Though, we’re not dating. Or at least, I don’t think we are.
A few more weeks, I think. Then maybe I’ll bring it up.
 
In the meantime, I’m enjoying becoming friends with him just as much as I am the submission. There’s just some great level of comfort for me in spending time with someone that so well understands what I went through as a kid. I feel almost normal around him.
 
It’s nice.
 

05.17.12 [142] I dream of anger, sex, unnurtured- I succeed. But still.. Oh, Oh. I didn’t know, I didn’t know.

05.17.12
 
Music/title: Slumming It With Johnny; Say Anything
_ _
 
 
This is an outtake from Saturday. This week has felt longer than any I can remember. Fucking wonderful, though. (I really can’t express that enough.) I think I’m going to spend Monday night at Ross’s place again. Who’s this Ross guy, you ask? Ah, well.. he would be the lovely Jenny’s doing, of course.
 
He’s helping me on the road to becoming a whole person. He’s showing me that I don’t need to feel bad for wanting all these things I’ve been hiding and keeping from myself. He’s putting me in my place, and I’ve never felt so happy and fulfilled with something in my life. What was I doing fooling around with vanilla boys; trying for something I knew would never be enough?
 
 
I’m finally comfortable in my own skin.
And I won’t settle for anything less than this.