I’ve got this poison running deep in my mind, my mind.. (I know you think it’s alright)


Music/title: Wasted On You (feat. ROZES); Louis Futon
_ _

 

“I’m wasted on you.”

. . … .. …..

 

Liberating doesn’t begin to cover it.
A twinge of denial, maybe.
I still can’t believe it all. Everything seems so surreal in our lives.

Did you plan this from the start?

 

A part of me believes I had nothing to do with it. That it was all thanks to others. The bad parts of my mind attempt to latch on- hopes of some form of sabotage..

..but…

..the other side.
The part that has drug me through all the blood and tears… That part is proud.
Look at how far you’ve come. ..Look at what you’ve done for yourself..

Aren’t you so happy now?

.
 

If I ever believed in a God,
now would be the time to thank him.

/ / /

 
We keep it going just like we always do, we do..

My life, my love, my drive, it came from… Pain! (You made me a, you made me a believer, believer)


Music/title: Believer; Imagine Dragons
_ _

 

“Don’t you tell me what you think that I can be.”

… . .

 

Again.
and Again. and Again.
It’s what you want, right?
Your goals quickly coming to an end.

Who will you be now?
What will inflict the pain you so desire?

. . 

“You made me a,
You made me a believer.”

/ / /

 
Never ending shifting.
The changes are so frequent lately I can’t keep up.
But we’re happy if we’re not paying too close attention to the detail, right?

Happy…

 

Yes.
I do believe I am.

To learn to whisper and to scream (The whisper justifies the scream); To let each yearning finger breathe.. (NO, NOTHING LIVES UNLESS IT BREATHES!)

08.31.16
Music/title: Lovely Thing Suite: Knots; Watsky
_ _

 

“To burn, to worship, to mislead…”

… . …. … .

 

Every moment-
Demanding yet another relentless thud of hatred…

Don’t you love me? ..they say
Don’t you want to join us!? ..they cry
 

Fucking pathetic;
Ungrateful, weak-minded pieces of-
YOU ARE SO FAR FROM REALITY.
Want to know what it’s truly like on the other side?

 

…Join me.

/ / /

 

Here’s to coming up from the down-
To life, and the wondrous journey towards our death:

Watsky = x Infinity

HEY HEY! Ningen sanka, ai nige ningen fuan ka…. (Human paean, does love escaping make humans nervous?)

05.16.15 -1
Music/title: What’s Up, People?!; Maximum the Hormone
_ _

 

Is your life boring? (Ikiru imi tsumaran ka?)
Are you trembling with rage?
HUMAN?!”

. . ….

 

So you need me, do you?
You think your ‘suicide’ will make me love you again?

-Fuck you.

 

You’re a weak, pathetic excuse for a human, and I don’t need this shit.
Think I care about your worthless, menial life?
….You’re fucking insane.

 

/ / /

 
Henken-inken ningen funda ugokidase ore FIGHT…

I can taste the failure on your lips; And I’ll save you from yourself… (Can we make it out alive?)


Music/title: The Sadness Will Never End; Bring Me the Horizon
_ _

 

“And you’re trapped in your past,
Like it’s six feet under.”

. .. …

 

Don’t you think I fucking know..?
You think I haven’t tried to forgive and forget?

Go on- You tell me how to “fix it.”
You give me a quick and easy solution, step by step instructions now..
And I’ll fucking do it.
 

But don’t you tell me she can’t help it-
Don’t proclaim “Everyone can be saved” and “She’s still human.”
And DON’T fucking feed me that bullshit about your God..
Where was he when she nearly burned herself alive?
And when she was attempting murder, where was your God then?
. .. …
 

Think I’m going to die if I keep harboring these feelings?  –So fucking be it!
Your God should fucking know I’ve tried to forgive that worthless, incompetent piece of shit.
Your “fix” isn’t going to save anyone…

 

And it sure as hell isn’t going to save me.

02.28.15 [23/52] Pick me up, dust me off, give me breath and let me cough…

02.28.15
Music/title: Tongues; Joywave
_ _

 

“Sometimes, I think, they’re all just speaking tongues.”

. .. ..

 

Every breath I take is a direct result of the past decisions I’ve made.
Every single thing is a direct result of the decisions I’ve made…

I get caught in this infinite loop sometimes…
[ What if I’d never gotten the job, or the one that followed? ]
[ What if I’d realized that girl at work was hitting on me, and ended up with her instead?  ]
[ What if I’d never left at all? ]

 

It’s this endless, endless cycle..
One in which I’ll drown myself until I can’t tell if it’s spinning or standing still.

. . .. . ..

 

I find it horribly amusing that I have no qualms in my lack of belief in a god,
But this… This is what really gets me.

 

/ / /

 
Drag me back, collect my thoughts…

01.10.15 [16/52] And the circling is worth it; finding beauty in the dissonance…


Music/title: Schism; Tool
_ _

 

“I know the pieces fit.”

. .. . .

 

I think a person shouldn’t make me want to believe in a God; To believe in an afterlife..
But here we are..  Here I am.
 

I tell him I want to die first.  That I’m too scared of being alone.
I tell him I would be immortal with him- Immortal in a world where all I used to crave was death.
I tell him if he dies tomorrow, I would never love another the way I love him.
I tell him I am no longer complete without him.

But I do not believe in a God.
I do not believe in an afterlife. Or a ‘happy ever after’ past this mere mortality.
But in my mind we will live forever- Him and I, endlessly intertwined…

. .. . ..

 

Perhaps forever is a word we really can’t understand.

 

11.15.14 [8/52] So when can we fall in love again? ( When can we; So when can we ) ..When can we maybe be friends?

11.15.14
Music/title: When Can We; KYLE
_ _

 
“I want to tell them what I believe because I’ve done the research!

So they don’t have to- 
So they don’t go out into the world and become one of the crazy, religious nutjobs. 
So they don’t become an extreme atheist.  I want to tell them what I believe so they can be happy;
So they can live their lives however they want…”

 
.. . …
 

Our day to day lives engulf the reasons we fall in love with a person,
But then there are moments like these.

And there you are all over again.
 

/ / /
 

When can we love again?