You know it makes my heart beat… … .. (Are you ready for it?)

02.13.16 -1
Music/title: Happy Up Here (Boys Noize Remix); Röyksopp
_ _

 

“My favorite record is playing again..”

. . . .. .

 

Sometimes I think of you.
I think of how it was, and how it could’ve been..
( …Wondering if you still visit? )

I often find myself wishing circumstances were different,
But we both know that can never be.

 

….Here’s to hoping hatred outlasts everything else.

 

/ / /

 
You know I really like it.

Please just forget my face… I’ll eradicate every memory of you. ( Oh, do you love this too? )

08.30.14 -1

Music/title: Strangerous; Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 
It feels uncomfortable to miss you.

 

I go somewhere we used to explore together- I think of the moment we once shared, I remember how we used to be… And there it is again.  That longing for the friendship we used to have.

Part of me thinks it’d be okay if I tried to speak to you again.
[ Could I maybe swallow my gut instinct just this once..? ]
But then I remember the intensely crushing, hurtful feeling you left me standing with the last we spoke.
And I don’t. 

. .. . …..

 
“It hurts to know that all I may be left with is wondering everyday how you are doing, and never actually knowing.”
 

/ / /

 
The small, empty space of you is still inside me,
echoing in my everyday life.

The glove compartment is inaccurately named, and everybody knows it…

06.01.14 -4
Music/title: Title and Registration; Death Cab For Cutie
_ _
 

“I know you didn’t want to bake a cake.”

 .. .. …

 
I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to anything he does for me.

 
I feel like I am entitled to nothing in this world,
but everyone keeps telling me I deserve everything, if anyone does..
Maybe no one ever really deserves anything.
People keep telling me I do, though…

And they tell me I was right in ending that friendship.
And they tell me I’m a good person.
And that I’ve never tried to truly hurt anyone.
 
::sighs::
 

I don’t think this is about cake anymore…..

. .. . .. ..

 
“I know it’s hard sometimes,
and you want to be able to just pick something up for yourself,
or have something made for you.
And I know that’s hard to do,
but I will do whatever I can to make you happy.”

 

[ A response to a failed baking of a gluten free cake,
and the acquiring of a new one. ]

10.23.12 [301] You wrecked me when you stepped out.

10.23.12
 
Music/title: Wounded Healer (Live! from the Troubadour); Watsky
_ _
 
 
It’s never enough for me.. To feel wanted has become such an addiction,
I don’t think I even realize when I’m giving in to it lately. It’s usually not a problem.
Unless.. ..Well, unless I really care about the person. And said person falls in love with me.
And I love someone else, who they then have to hear about every time they see me.
..swallowing their love for me like a fucking brick.
 
“I don’t know. In a way I like being all the love with you, even when it hurts.
But I have decided that we can only be friends. I know that has always been known,
but I live in a fantasy world you see. ..and have these weird delusions of things that I think could be.
So I am going to get over myself tonight.”

 
He’s been playing it off as though it’s nothing so well for so long..
This hurts. I’m hurting him, and it’s hurting me..
 
 
“You can’t love everyone, Bettina.
 
..and everyone can’t love you..”

 

And as I walk by them they scream and they’re snarling…

05.23.12 -1
 
Music/title: Soldier; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
_ _
 
 
I just can’t wrap my brain around this. I’m fighting with myself in my head again. That’s what I get for too much free time added to my life. I go over and over everything. Analyzing it. Toying with one idea after another. Why do I do this, and why I do that. Oh, it’s all because of “X.”
 
Why must I always feel like every action needs to be accepted? And when is it enough? A single person’s acceptance surely isn’t enough to make me content.
 
I am happy. I like myself right now. Really, I do. ..but goddammit if I don’t want to spend every waking moment submerged in submission. No fear of being rejected. Always knowing when I’ve done something right or wrong.
 
 
I need a break. I need a very, very long break from the real world.
 
::sighs::