Listen once to me…

Music/title: My Friends Never Die; ODESZA
_ _


“Nothing is as good as you can imagine it.
No one is as beautiful as she is in your head.
Nothing is as exciting as your fantasy.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

. . .


I just don’t know about myself lately.



“We’ve taken the world apart,
but we have no idea what to do with the pieces.”


And your compliments look good on me… (But no one knows you better)

Music/title: Say My Name (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
_ _


This is my obsession.

. … ..


I watch your thirst for violence, and I wonder what it feels like…
Would the same ‘goodness’ be felt that most achieve when experiencing compassion?
What would it mean if you were ever to feel such a release?

A part of me wants to give it you.

I just imagine the sheer comfort you would feel within the grasp of pure torture,
And it pulls at my heart strings….


This is my insanity,


…Or perhaps I am just as evil as you.


/ / /

“This confession has meant nothing…”

07.11.15 [42/52] But life is so much more with the touch of someone’s skin to mine… (I swear I’ll try, I swear I’ll try!)

Music/title: We Are Invincible; From Indian Lakes
_ _


“But I’m still so terrified…”

. .. . . ..


[ I feel guilty when I do. ]



[ Because I feel like it’s cheating. ]

“You could without it, you know… You just have to relax.”


[ …But I can’t. ]

. .. .. .


Don’t you think I try?
Don’t you think I want to?

I wonder if you’d feel the same if I asked every time.
Then again…


…Isn’t it always the pleasurable things that end up hurting the most?


04.11.15 [29/52] So I began to hate everything; all at once I was running.. But I couldn’t fake it anymore. (Could you feel me screaming out?)

Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
_ _


“Who am I to expect anything?”

.. . ….


“It’s not too different.
You don’t find depression in a bottle or package.
You make it yourself.  You dispense it from your own mind.

Regardless of my own understanding or lack of empathy, I do love you..
More than anything.

And if I can’t speak to the love of my life-
Take her places and talk her through her own form of addiction, then what kind of man would I be?”

… ….

“Do you know why we get sad, Bettina?”

[ No. ]


“To remind ourselves why we want to be happy.”


03.28.15 [27/52] And I still hear your voice in my head, saying awful things… (Am I still clean enough?)

Music/title: Awful Things; From Indian Lakes
_ _


“Breathe slowly, sink in..”

. . … .


Maybe this was the way things were always going to be.
Who was I to question anything-  Who are we to say what is right and what is horribly, horribly wrong?

…Maybe everything wasn’t so bad after all.


I think I’d like to feel something now.

/ / /

(Do do da, do do da…)

02.28.15 [23/52] Pick me up, dust me off, give me breath and let me cough…

Music/title: Tongues; Joywave
_ _


“Sometimes, I think, they’re all just speaking tongues.”

. .. ..


Every breath I take is a direct result of the past decisions I’ve made.
Every single thing is a direct result of the decisions I’ve made…

I get caught in this infinite loop sometimes…
[ What if I’d never gotten the job, or the one that followed? ]
[ What if I’d realized that girl at work was hitting on me, and ended up with her instead?  ]
[ What if I’d never left at all? ]


It’s this endless, endless cycle..
One in which I’ll drown myself until I can’t tell if it’s spinning or standing still.

. . .. . ..


I find it horribly amusing that I have no qualms in my lack of belief in a god,
But this… This is what really gets me.


/ / /

Drag me back, collect my thoughts…

12.27.14 [14/52] She said, “Paint a picture on me, throw your dress up, and your heart away.”

12.21.14 -8
Music/title: Besitos; Pierce the Veil
_ _


“I felt like destroying something beautiful.”

. .. . . ..

What is it really?

Is it this body? [ You tell me I’m beautiful, therefor I must be. ]
What about this photo? ..Is this what beauty looks like? [ I think it’s beautiful, therefor it must be. ]
Sometimes I get the urge to bite into flesh until I taste the blood on my lips.


Now that.

..Wouldn’t that be beautiful.

/ / /

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the selfish machine.