Music/title: My Friends Never Die; ODESZA
“Nothing is as good as you can imagine it.
No one is as beautiful as she is in your head.
Nothing is as exciting as your fantasy.”
~Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
. . .
I just don’t know about myself lately.
“We’ve taken the world apart,
but we have no idea what to do with the pieces.”
Music/title: Say My Name (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
This is my obsession.
. … ..
I watch your thirst for violence, and I wonder what it feels like…
Would the same ‘goodness’ be felt that most achieve when experiencing compassion?
What would it mean if you were ever to feel such a release?
A part of me wants to give it you.
I just imagine the sheer comfort you would feel within the grasp of pure torture,
And it pulls at my heart strings….
This is my insanity,
…Or perhaps I am just as evil as you.
/ / /
“This confession has meant nothing…”
Music/title: We Are Invincible; From Indian Lakes
“But I’m still so terrified…”
. .. . . ..
[ I feel guilty when I do. ]
[ Because I feel like it’s cheating. ]
“You could without it, you know… You just have to relax.”
[ …But I can’t. ]
. .. .. .
Don’t you think I try?
Don’t you think I want to?
I wonder if you’d feel the same if I asked every time.
…Isn’t it always the pleasurable things that end up hurting the most?
Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
“Who am I to expect anything?”
.. . ….
“It’s not too different.
You don’t find depression in a bottle or package.
You make it yourself. You dispense it from your own mind.
Regardless of my own understanding or lack of empathy, I do love you..
More than anything.
And if I can’t speak to the love of my life-
Take her places and talk her through her own form of addiction, then what kind of man would I be?”
“Do you know why we get sad, Bettina?”
[ No. ]
“To remind ourselves why we want to be happy.”
Music/title: Awful Things; From Indian Lakes
“Breathe slowly, sink in..”
. . … .
Maybe this was the way things were always going to be.
Who was I to question anything- Who are we to say what is right and what is horribly, horribly wrong?
…Maybe everything wasn’t so bad after all.
I think I’d like to feel something now.
/ / /
(Do do da, do do da…)
Music/title: Tongues; Joywave
“Sometimes, I think, they’re all just speaking tongues.”
. .. ..
Every breath I take is a direct result of the past decisions I’ve made.
Every single thing is a direct result of the decisions I’ve made…
I get caught in this infinite loop sometimes…
[ What if I’d never gotten the job, or the one that followed? ]
[ What if I’d realized that girl at work was hitting on me, and ended up with her instead? ]
[ What if I’d never left at all? ]
It’s this endless, endless cycle..
One in which I’ll drown myself until I can’t tell if it’s spinning or standing still.
. . .. . ..
I find it horribly amusing that I have no qualms in my lack of belief in a god,
But this… This is what really gets me.
/ / /
Drag me back, collect my thoughts…
Music/title: Besitos; Pierce the Veil
“I felt like destroying something beautiful.”
. .. . . ..
What is it really?
Is it this body? [ You tell me I’m beautiful, therefor I must be. ]
What about this photo? ..Is this what beauty looks like? [ I think it’s beautiful, therefor it must be. ]
Sometimes I get the urge to bite into flesh until I taste the blood on my lips.
..Wouldn’t that be beautiful.
/ / /
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the selfish machine.