Listen once to me…


Music/title: My Friends Never Die; ODESZA
_ _

 

“Nothing is as good as you can imagine it.
No one is as beautiful as she is in your head.
Nothing is as exciting as your fantasy.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

. . .

 

I just don’t know about myself lately.

 

 
.

“We’ve taken the world apart,
but we have no idea what to do with the pieces.”

 

And your compliments look good on me… (But no one knows you better)

Music/title: Say My Name (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
_ _

 

This is my obsession.

. … ..

 

I watch your thirst for violence, and I wonder what it feels like…
Would the same ‘goodness’ be felt that most achieve when experiencing compassion?
What would it mean if you were ever to feel such a release?
 

A part of me wants to give it you.

I just imagine the sheer comfort you would feel within the grasp of pure torture,
And it pulls at my heart strings….

 

This is my insanity,
perhaps.

 

…Or perhaps I am just as evil as you.

 

/ / /

 
“This confession has meant nothing…”

07.11.15 [42/52] But life is so much more with the touch of someone’s skin to mine… (I swear I’ll try, I swear I’ll try!)

07.11.15
Music/title: We Are Invincible; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“But I’m still so terrified…”

. .. . . ..

 

[ I feel guilty when I do. ]

“Why?”

 

[ Because I feel like it’s cheating. ]

“You could without it, you know… You just have to relax.”

 

[ …But I can’t. ]

. .. .. .

 

Don’t you think I try?
Don’t you think I want to?

I wonder if you’d feel the same if I asked every time.
Then again…

 

 
…Isn’t it always the pleasurable things that end up hurting the most?

 

04.11.15 [29/52] So I began to hate everything; all at once I was running.. But I couldn’t fake it anymore. (Could you feel me screaming out?)

04.11.15
Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“Who am I to expect anything?”

.. . ….

 

“It’s not too different.
You don’t find depression in a bottle or package.
You make it yourself.  You dispense it from your own mind.

Regardless of my own understanding or lack of empathy, I do love you..
More than anything.


And if I can’t speak to the love of my life-
Take her places and talk her through her own form of addiction, then what kind of man would I be?”

… ….
 

“Do you know why we get sad, Bettina?”

[ No. ]

 

“To remind ourselves why we want to be happy.”

 

03.28.15 [27/52] And I still hear your voice in my head, saying awful things… (Am I still clean enough?)

03.29.15
Music/title: Awful Things; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“Breathe slowly, sink in..”

. . … .

 

Maybe this was the way things were always going to be.
Who was I to question anything-  Who are we to say what is right and what is horribly, horribly wrong?

…Maybe everything wasn’t so bad after all.

 

I think I’d like to feel something now.

 
/ / /

 
(Do do da, do do da…)

02.28.15 [23/52] Pick me up, dust me off, give me breath and let me cough…

02.28.15
Music/title: Tongues; Joywave
_ _

 

“Sometimes, I think, they’re all just speaking tongues.”

. .. ..

 

Every breath I take is a direct result of the past decisions I’ve made.
Every single thing is a direct result of the decisions I’ve made…

I get caught in this infinite loop sometimes…
[ What if I’d never gotten the job, or the one that followed? ]
[ What if I’d realized that girl at work was hitting on me, and ended up with her instead?  ]
[ What if I’d never left at all? ]

 

It’s this endless, endless cycle..
One in which I’ll drown myself until I can’t tell if it’s spinning or standing still.

. . .. . ..

 

I find it horribly amusing that I have no qualms in my lack of belief in a god,
But this… This is what really gets me.

 

/ / /

 
Drag me back, collect my thoughts…

12.27.14 [14/52] She said, “Paint a picture on me, throw your dress up, and your heart away.”

12.21.14 -8
Music/title: Besitos; Pierce the Veil
_ _

 

“I felt like destroying something beautiful.”

. .. . . ..

 
What is it really?
 

Is it this body? [ You tell me I’m beautiful, therefor I must be. ]
What about this photo? ..Is this what beauty looks like? [ I think it’s beautiful, therefor it must be. ]
Sometimes I get the urge to bite into flesh until I taste the blood on my lips.

 

Now that.

 
..Wouldn’t that be beautiful.
 

/ / /
 

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the selfish machine.