But you held your course to some distant war, in the corners of your mind…


Music/title: Angela; The Lumineers
_ _

 

“Let the exits pass, all the tar and glass-
‘Til the road and sky align.”

. . .

 

I just need to catch my breath,
then everything will be okay, right?

. .
 

The dark parts of my brain are seeping through.

[ But you did it- you’re FREE. ]

.
 

Is that so?
I claim the void is supposed to be empty,

 

So why can’t I stop trying to fill it?
 

Daddy, I don’t wanna grow up anyway- Grown ups are all sad… (Doesn’t matter where I come from anyway)


Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
_ _

 

“I’ll grow up and get sad.”

. …. .

 

If only I’d known…
 

I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.

Not me.

All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.

What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?

.

[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.

Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love..
]

Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..

 

If only they knew.

/ / /

 
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..

Nothing gonna get me in my world…. (I wanna get me free!)


Music/title: Dreams; Beck
_ _

 

“Ahhhh, here we are…
Running circles around around around around.”

. … ..

 

I’ve never been quite this close.
Just the taste of it- Christ.
I’ve wanted this for so long.
Dreamed about it.
Prayed, even.

All pieces are fitting so perfectly.
My puzzle.
My world.
My bubble- Almost complete.

So much work;
So many awful experiences just to get to this moment.
I truly have dreamed of a place to call home.

…And it’s finally within my grasp.

/ / /

 

Oh just you wait and see.
::smirks::

Lady, running down to the riptide, taken away to the dark side… (I wanna be your left hand man)

10-01-16-10
Music/title: Riptide; Vance Joy
_ _

 

“Oh, oh, and they come unstuck.”

. .. ….

 

Go back five years ago,
and I’d never have taken it.

Go back a few years ago,
and I’d have definitely considered it.

Go back a week ago,
and I almost asked you for it.

 

 

You always find a cure before I find the disease.
….Can we do this again?

/ / /

 
And she’s been living on the highest shelf…

Another day, another door, Another high, another low… (Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom!)


Music/title: Roots; Imagine Dragons
_ _

 

“I’m going back to my roots.”

. .. …

 

Perhaps this is how it’s meant to end..
Maybe that’s just it– Maybe we’re never really meant to know the outcome
our Oh-so-Irreverent choices lead us to believe we’re dealt.
My choices?  …..I fucking hate them.

Just like every other human on the planet-
I want my life simple.  Complete.
We want this cookie cutter lifestyle, but here we always are…
Dealing ourselves another round of cards, when the game is over and lost.

 

Do we ever really quit?
Is there ever really an “end game” like they lead us to believe?

 

Heh.

 

 

I s’pose here’s to finding out….

/ / /

 

Written near the end of last year, but god be damned- I couldn’t end my project on such a depressing note…
So here we are.   Updated blog, with non-uplifting thoughts.

 

More to come. ::smiles::

 

And you’ll never know anyone now….

10.19.15 -1

Music/title: Fog; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“But if you get up now, you can try to survive.”

. . .. …

 

I would’ve given you anything in that moment-
Whatever you named, it was yours…

Holding your head in my lap, as I did a year ago…
I felt your tears streaming onto my skin-
My heart aching to watch you desperately cling to the boy inside.

 

You’re never really old enough to deal with these things.
….And I’m sorry you have to.

 

/ / /

 
I’ve been trying to figure it out my whole life…