“Ay oh, let it go-
See the big picture
Explode- Like a light bulb,
Let it unfold.
Just go, go with it.”
/ / /
…Does this make me weak?
Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
.. . . …. .
Do you see me making an effort?
I’m trying, really. I truly am.
But it’s hard. My thoughts are pressing against all the happiness I feel.
Why am I so sad lately?
…Not depressed sadness, but a feeling of longing. An overwhelming, consistent wave of emotions.
Is this my body trying to tell me it’s time? Have I waited too long?
Your skin is never close enough to mine. ..why am I this unsettled?
You are there.
Everyday, you are there for me. …Yet,
I still don’t know what I need.
I think this is all part of my sickness.
The reason I was ever so afraid to love you-
So afraid of the possible effects,
that I’m caught in the endless cycle of hurting myself….
…How can I hope to be where you are?
/ / /
Music/title: Lovely Thing Suite: Knots; Watsky
… . …. … .
Demanding yet another relentless thud of hatred…
Don’t you love me? ..they say
Don’t you want to join us!? ..they cry
Ungrateful, weak-minded pieces of-
YOU ARE SO FAR FROM REALITY.
Want to know what it’s truly like on the other side?
/ / /
Music/title: Happy Up Here (Boys Noize Remix); Röyksopp
. . . .. .
Sometimes I think of you.
I think of how it was, and how it could’ve been..
( …Wondering if you still visit? )
I often find myself wishing circumstances were different,
But we both know that can never be.
….Here’s to hoping hatred outlasts everything else.
/ / /
. . ….
Sometimes I lie to people-
Telling them it’s no big deal, that I don’t give a shit about her.
‘Why the fuck do you even care?!’ ..I tell myself.
You think I called you cause I miss you… I was merely filling the insatiable void.
. . .
One of these days I won’t be able to hide anymore.
..And then where will we be?
Music/title: Bungalow; Al Bairre
. .. ..
It was just so damn vivid..
[ Are you still going through with it? ]
Sometimes I hear her voice- Playing those same conversations over and over in my head.
Sometimes I imagine smashing her head into the floor- Purely beyond recognition..
[ Still think you’re going through with it? ]
/ / /
Music/title: Killing For Love; Jose Gonzalez
.. . . ..
Now it’s 11:03pm,
And I know that I will be a different person by the end of this year-
A better version of myself.
Shouldn’t that be how it always is?
Mustn’t we always strive to become a better, more complete version of ourselves?
I used to think, ‘I want to be done.’
But now, I almost want the exact opposite… [ “May we never be complete!” ]
. .. . . ..
Now it’s 11:11pm.
Time to let the chips fall where they may…
Music/title: The Good Left Undone; Rise Against
There are still days where I miss showing off..
Except- Now it’s different. Now I get to show what I have, not just what I am.
What I have. What I have become. What I will be…
The whole world feels it is within my reach;
unraveling with each and every step..
…And I want it all.
/ / /
Music/title: Gooey (Giligan Moss Remix); Glass Animals
“Nothing is ever easy.”
. … .. . ..
That is the goddamn understatement of the year.
There is no manual for this shit. There is no God telling me, “Yes. That’s good.” Or, “No, don’t do that.” It’s just me. It’s just me fumbling around with my past experiences, and the occasional advice from others. I don’t know what’s right from wrong anymore than the next person.
What I do know is how I feel. I try to empathize with others, but what the fuck do I know.
Absolutely fucking nothing, that’s what..
[ I am so sick of this constant disappointment. ]
Sometimes I think it’d be easier to feel nothing at all. But then I meet someone who, more or less, is emotionless. I watch them envy me. I watch them thirst for emotions the way I feel them, and I realize I don’t want that.
I don’t think I know what the fuck I want with this anymore…
. .. .. …….
( “Truth be told- I’ve been here,
I’ve done this all before.” )
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