I can taste it on my tongue, but I couldn’t keep it all in my grasp… (How can I hope to ever find you now?)

01-02-17
Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“I can’t look away,
but I don’t wanna meet your eyes.”

.. . . …. .

 

Do you see me making an effort?
I’m trying, really. I truly am.
But it’s hard. My thoughts are pressing against all the happiness I feel.
Why am I so sad lately?
…Not depressed sadness, but a feeling of longing. An overwhelming, consistent wave of emotions.
Is this my body trying to tell me it’s time? Have I waited too long?

.

Your skin is never close enough to mine. ..why am I this unsettled?
You are there.
Everyday, you are there for me. …Yet,
I still don’t know what I need.

I think this is all part of my sickness.
The reason I was ever so afraid to love you-

 
So afraid of the possible effects,
that I’m caught in the endless cycle of hurting myself….

 

…How can I hope to be where you are?

/ / /

 
And I’m holding out my hand to you…

To learn to whisper and to scream (The whisper justifies the scream); To let each yearning finger breathe.. (NO, NOTHING LIVES UNLESS IT BREATHES!)

08.31.16
Music/title: Lovely Thing Suite: Knots; Watsky
_ _

 

“To burn, to worship, to mislead…”

… . …. … .

 

Every moment-
Demanding yet another relentless thud of hatred…

Don’t you love me? ..they say
Don’t you want to join us!? ..they cry
 

Fucking pathetic;
Ungrateful, weak-minded pieces of-
YOU ARE SO FAR FROM REALITY.
Want to know what it’s truly like on the other side?

 

…Join me.

/ / /

 

Here’s to coming up from the down-
To life, and the wondrous journey towards our death:

Watsky = x Infinity

You know it makes my heart beat… … .. (Are you ready for it?)

02.13.16 -1
Music/title: Happy Up Here (Boys Noize Remix); Röyksopp
_ _

 

“My favorite record is playing again..”

. . . .. .

 

Sometimes I think of you.
I think of how it was, and how it could’ve been..
( …Wondering if you still visit? )

I often find myself wishing circumstances were different,
But we both know that can never be.

 

….Here’s to hoping hatred outlasts everything else.

 

/ / /

 
You know I really like it.

I think I lost my halo.. I don’t know where you are, you’ll have to come and find me- (FIND ME!)


Music/title: Polarize; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

 

“We have problems.”

. . ….

 

Sometimes I lie to people-
Telling them it’s no big deal, that I don’t give a shit about her.
‘Why the fuck do you even care?!’ ..I tell myself.

You think I called you cause I miss you… I was merely filling the insatiable void.

. . .

 

One of these days I won’t be able to hide anymore.
..And then where will we be?

 

03.21.15 [26/52] Hello there, Dear Nicholas…. ( I’ve hated you since our first kiss )

03.21.15
Music/title: Bungalow; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“You’ll never understand, I just did it ‘cause I can…”

. .. ..

 

It was just so damn vivid..

[ Are you still going through with it? ]

 

 
….Of-fucking-course.

. . .


 

Sometimes I hear her voice-  Playing those same conversations over and over in my head.
Sometimes I imagine smashing her head into the floor- Purely beyond recognition..

 

[ Still think you’re going through with it? ]

 

/ / /

 
I’ve had a little bit too much of her..

You’ve got a heart filled with passion… Will you let it burn for hate or compassion?

R1-01479-0003
Music/title: Killing For Love; Jose Gonzalez
_ _

 

“Killing for love.”

.. . . ..

 

Now it’s 11:03pm,
And I know that I will be a different person by the end of this year-
A better version of myself.
 

Shouldn’t that be how it always is?
Mustn’t we always strive to become a better, more complete version of ourselves?

I used to think, ‘I want to be done.’
But now, I almost want the exact opposite… [ “May we never be complete!” ]
 
. .. . . ..

 

 

Now it’s 11:11pm.
Time to let the chips fall where they may…
 

10.25.14 [5/52] All because of you, I haven’t slept in so long. When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean…

10.25.14
Music/title: The Good Left Undone; Rise Against
_ _

 
There are still days where I miss showing off..

 
Except- Now it’s different.  Now I get to show what I have, not just what I am.
What I have.  What I have become. What I will be…

The whole world feels it is within my reach;
unraveling with each and every step..
 

…And I want it all.

/ / /
 

I’ll follow your voice, all you have to do is shout it out..

Let me show you everything I know…

01.18.14

Music/title: Gooey (Giligan Moss Remix); Glass Animals
_ _

“Nothing is ever easy.”

. … .. . ..

That is the goddamn understatement of the year.

There is no manual for this shit.  There is no God telling me, “Yes. That’s good.” Or, “No, don’t do that.”  It’s just me.  It’s just me fumbling around with my past experiences, and the occasional advice from others. I don’t know what’s right from wrong anymore than the next person.

What I do know is how I feel.  I try to empathize with others, but what the fuck do I know.
Absolutely fucking nothing, that’s what..

[ I am so sick of this constant disappointment. ]

 

Sometimes I think it’d be easier to feel nothing at all. But then I meet someone who, more or less, is emotionless.  I watch them envy me.  I watch them thirst for emotions the way I feel them, and I realize I don’t want that.

Then again,
I don’t think I know what the fuck I want with this anymore…

. .. .. …….

( “Truth be told- I’ve been here,
I’ve done this all before.” )