Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
“The nights are long,
Longing for you to come home…”
. . ..
How am I supposed to do this?
How am I supposed to give up my time with you for them?
I was so ready not long ago,
And now I’m doubting every urge within myself.
Something tells me I will just know when it’s right, but what if I’m too late?
What if my mind is ready, but my body has far past its limitations?
I fucking hate this.
I hate the urges. I hate the pressure. I don’t even fucking WANT them.
YOU are the only reason I want any of this…
Am I so wrong to be terrified that they will take you away?
Then who would I be?
Surely not the person that created this ‘love’…..
/ / /
All we need is somebody to lean on..
Music/title: The Wolves; Ben Howard
Wash.. Rinse.. Repeat..
And out of the depression we come.
. … …
I still fight the urges.
Those tiny prickling sensations when we’re just close enough..
I feel my lungs slow; my heart speed up..
And I want to scream- To get as far away from it as I possibly can.
I want to go back to when I never wanted it.
To when you didn’t want it.
To when my own body didn’t betray me so much-
You say you’d love me regardless..
But what if I don’t? ..What if I never forgive myself for it?
. …. …
Sometimes I want the pain; all the awful memories…
To remember how wonderful everything is going to be now.
And, sometimes.. Sometimes I want those tiny, prickling sensations too.
/ / /
Red tongues and hands..
Music/title: When Can We; KYLE
“I want to tell them what I believe because I’ve done the research!
So they don’t have to-
So they don’t go out into the world and become one of the crazy, religious nutjobs.
So they don’t become an extreme atheist. I want to tell them what I believe so they can be happy;
So they can live their lives however they want…”
.. . …
Our day to day lives engulf the reasons we fall in love with a person,
But then there are moments like these.
And there you are all over again.
/ / /
When can we love again?
Music/title: All Choked Up; Say Anything
[ And when I see him, I want them again and again… ]
/ / /
I want to give him everything he’s ever thought about having with me when we were just friends. I want to drown myself in the feel of him; the taste of his skin. I want to violently shake him, screaming and crying out, “I love you, take it all from me!” until I can’t breathe anymore. I want to give him children- This, the one thing I swore I’d never give anyone, not even myself…..
I’ve never wanted this before, why can’t I swallow these feelings now?
Music/title: Title and Registration; Death Cab For Cutie
“I know you didn’t want to bake a cake.”
.. .. …
I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to anything he does for me.
I feel like I am entitled to nothing in this world,
but everyone keeps telling me I deserve everything, if anyone does..
Maybe no one ever really deserves anything.
People keep telling me I do, though…
And they tell me I was right in ending that friendship.
And they tell me I’m a good person.
And that I’ve never tried to truly hurt anyone.
I don’t think this is about cake anymore…..
. .. . .. ..
“I know it’s hard sometimes,
and you want to be able to just pick something up for yourself,
or have something made for you.
And I know that’s hard to do,
but I will do whatever I can to make you happy.”
[ A response to a failed baking of a gluten free cake,
and the acquiring of a new one. ]