06.20.15 [39/52] But look at me.. (Oh, what a mess.)

06.20.15
Music/title: Release; Imagine Dragons
_ _

 

“Careful, Bettina…
You might make me cry too.”

. .. . …

 

I feel like I should just hide when I feel this way from you.
I feel like it’d be easier for you. I think maybe you’re right- I do act as if it’s the end of the world.
But it’s more than just that.  I think I still have trouble staying happy.  It’s just so much more comfortable to be sad, and I think I gravitate towards that most of the time without realization.

All the more reason I feel like I should hide it from you- ‘Cause I don’t feel like it’s real.
I feel like it’s this fictional sadness I made up in my own mind.. Because, in it’s own weird way..
It’s comforting.

If I’m right, then I’m pathetic and weak in doing so.
Couldn’t I just stop the feelings if I’m the one that created them?  In theory, I could.
The part that worries me is that maybe deep down I just don’t want to.
Maybe I enjoy this feeling more than feeling happy?

This is part of why I don’t think I should have children.
This is part of why I thought I’d be alone forever-
Because I’m terrified the desire for self destruction is always going to outweigh everything else.

So far you’ve been the only thing in my entire life that’s made me feel like I could have more than this- Like I could choose to be happy for more than just a moment.

So I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.
I’m sorry if you don’t understand any of this- Just please know that I’m trying.
That I try *really* hard to overcome this feeling for you all the time….

 

 
Always hesitating to say I don’t want to feel this way,
Always afraid that I actually do…

 

 

05.30.15 [36/52] Ohh, love is a polaroid- Better in picture, but never can fill the void.. (How did it come to this?)

05.26.15
Music/title: Polaroid; Imagine Dragons
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“Your story sounds so amazing- I’m so proud of you for making your way through so many struggles and coming out on top.”

xox
dan reynolds

.. . .. ..

 
Just when you least expect it, there life goes- Blindsiding everything you know.
And just like that, everything changes…

 

/ / /
 
And I am the color of boom..

05.23.15 [35/52] Can you save, Can you save my… Can you save my heavy dirty soul? (For me, for me, oh)


Music/title: Heavydirtysoul; Twenty One Pilots
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Isn’t it always this way?

. .. . ..

 

Most of the time it blends together.
Each session running into the next- But this… This time..
God, to be in that moment again..

Your nails digging unforgivingly into my hips,
My own body completely crushed beneath the weight of you-
Convulsion, after convulsion, after convulsion,
It’s always this way..

 

And I am never more complete, when completely without control.

 
/ / /

 
Oh, oh, I’m falling..

And something slow has started in me…

02.22.15 -1
Music/title: Love Dog; TV on the Radio
_ _

 

“Patience is a virtue,
Until it’s silence burns you.”

. .. . …

 

I thought this was supposed to make you happier?
What happened to the ‘if only I could go back’ and ‘what if’s?

Oh, just look at you-
On the outside, sure.. You’re fucking beautiful.
You’re perfect.  You’re what everyone on this planet strives to be!

Oh, but those insides, love..

 

…Just look at how beautifully you’re rotting away.