Music/title: 1000 Doors; The Living Tombstone
“I’m losing the sense of where I am.”
. .. .
Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to cover it.
I miss this.
I miss the therapeutic nature of it all. I want to peel back the layers I have pasted onto myself; to escape the norm. This is what we aim for, right? The materialism. The cookie cutters, and decisive actions.
I can feel how close we are.
…Why can’t we grasp it?
Music/title: Angela; The Lumineers
“Let the exits pass, all the tar and glass-
‘Til the road and sky align.”
. . .
I just need to catch my breath,
then everything will be okay, right?
The dark parts of my brain are seeping through.
[ But you did it- you’re FREE. ]
Is that so?
I claim the void is supposed to be empty,
So why can’t I stop trying to fill it?
Music/title: Moonlight; Grace Vanderwaal
“These will be a life long stories.”
. . …
Four days and counting.
If you could see me now..
My life- In boxes again.
But this time I am making a home for myself.
I am creating everything that you took from me.
I am in control.
And you won’t ever take it from me again.
Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
“I’ll grow up and get sad.”
. …. .
If only I’d known…
I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.
All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.
What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?
[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.
Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love.. ]
Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..
If only they knew.
/ / /
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..
Music/title: Good Morning; Grouplove
“And I can’t tell.”
. . ..
I’ll never understand other women.
I’m just trying to be a manager, buy a house- be an adult
And they are just a bunch of dramatic
bitches cry babies.
You’ll never get anywhere in life, if you don’t grow a fucking pair. Christ.
Ranting aside, yes!
I am buying a house. Or at least in the process of doing so.
HOW EXCITING! :D
We are beyond excited. We’ve been looking since January, and it’s picture perfect. Literally- I’m going to take a million pictures, because the house is a piece of fucking art. GAH.
…Just you wait and see.
/ / /
p.s. A late 2016 selfie treat. ::smiles::
Music/title: Dreams; Beck
“Ahhhh, here we are…
Running circles around around around around.”
. … ..
I’ve never been quite this close.
Just the taste of it- Christ.
I’ve wanted this for so long.
Dreamed about it.
All pieces are fitting so perfectly.
My bubble- Almost complete.
So much work;
So many awful experiences just to get to this moment.
I truly have dreamed of a place to call home.
…And it’s finally within my grasp.
/ / /
Oh just you wait and see.
Music/title: Just a Like Song; Al Bairre
(Anywhere you wanna be)”
. . … .
[ But I’m not qualified for anything. ]
“You’re always saying that.”
[ What am I qualified for then? ]
Good or bad.
Right or wrong.
I hate choice.
I want to be told what to do-
I want subservience;
To be a slave.
But, darling… You wear the mask so well.
/ / /
Thank you, Al Bairre. <3
Music/title: Kill V. Maim; Grimes
“Oh, the fire, it’s alright.
The people touch it-
I can’t touch it, even though it’s mine.”
. .. …
I couldn’t think of a single trait of hers I carried within me.
Was I happy?
Would I really want to be like her?
I sure used to think so.
I haven’t thought of her in a while.
I haven’t needed to.
She could be dead with all the others as far as I know.
…Wouldn’t that be a treat.
Do you think most daughters wish their mothers dead today?
…Can you even stomach the concept?
/ / /
And I do what I can.
Music/title: Oh Devil; Electric Guest
“And deep inside,
I’m sure I got here all by myself.”
. . .
Two years since I’ve been here.
Surely you’d think I was scared,
But quite the contrary.
I know myself better these days than ever before-
What’s to be scared of?
I felt like taking something more.. harsh.
A bit of rough edges, to match…
What kind of girl are you now?
Music/title: Youth (Adventure Club Remix); Foxes
“These fading beats;
A thousand dreams.”
. . .
Reliving memories, are we?
[ Yes. ]
[ Nothing. ]
[ I need something. ]
You never quit, do you.
..Here we go again.
/ / /
For the comments, compliments, and my own sanity. <3