02.03.18 [5/52] You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead; Strength in my bones put the words in my head… (Cause that’s what you do, That’s what you do)

Music/title: I Want To Know Your Plans; Say Anything
_ _


“When they pour out to paper, it’s all for you.”

. .. .


I miss you too.

I’m trying.. Really, I am.
I know it doesn’t seem like it, but the effort is there… Somewhere..
Hidden beneath all the spreadsheets and grocery lists..
Somewhere there exists a spark..


And I’m going to find it.


/ / /

I want to know your plans and how involved in them I am..

01.27.18 [4/52] ‘Cause we could hold our sights so close, or we could chase our heroes… (And I’ve been here before)

Music/title: Caviar Dreams; Al Bairre (Feat. PHFat)
_ _


“Lead me through your harmony;
We’ll sew this so your soul can breathe…”

.. .. .


It surely is a dream.
Nothing could feel this good.


For the first time in my life it doesn’t hurt.
I’m not inflamed.
It doesn’t itch. Or feel dry.
My skin isn’t covered in sores and blisters from my moments of weakness.
For the first time in my life I feel human.

To think, an eleven year old changed my life.
..What were you doing at eleven?

If you’d told me 15 years ago that I’d have this level of peace with my disease,
I’d say you were fucking nuts.


I wish I could meet Lani Lazzari,
If only to fully explain the life-changing-impact her invention has had on me.


My skin can feel like home.

/ / /

You’d been wading in the deep, dancing through your downfall…

01.20.18 [3/52] And all we ever wanted was sunlight and honesty- Highlights to wanna repeat.. But this is how it goes; The end credits—they roll.. (This bridge was built over kerosene)

Music/title: End Credits; EDEN
_ _


“Cause happy endings hardest to fake.”

. . ….


It didn’t sting nearly as much this time..
[ We did her a favor, really. ]

The colder it gets, the easier it becomes-
But you’d never guess.

– –

I’ll bet you think I don’t have a heartless bone in my body.


That’s where you’d be wrong.

/ / /

So let’s run..

These memories are nothing to me, just salt in the wound…

Music/title: Salt; Bad Suns
_ _


“And I don’t believe in the truth, truth.”

. . . .. . . … . .


I shouldn’t have cried.
I shouldn’t have given you hope.
I should’ve spoken every bitter word I swallowed.
But I listened.


Because that’s what you do, right?
That’s what’s polite?

[ I was merely being polite. ]

It didn’t affect me.
[ I didn’t wish to believe. ]

___ ___


What do you do when the darkest parts of you are shaken?


…You hope to hell that you’re right.

But we couldn’t do this to ourselves if it was never worth it, never worth it… (I don’t know how not to fuck this up again)

Music/title: Don’t Fuck This Up; Andrew Applepie
_ _


“I swear I’m not trying to fuck you up.”

. .


I saw myself in her;
A former self-

A truly dedicated slave.

Surely she’s still alive in there.


The older I get, the further away it becomes.
A more distant dream.
One I used to have, to want daily..

Where did it go?
Who have I become?

It’s okay if I like the changes, right?




[ You know you could always ask him.
He knows more about you than you think.

..Don’t forget how this all began. ]


/ / /


Good Mythical Morning.


Baby if you don’t stand for something, how can you ever stand at all… (You’ll be swept back by the fall)

Music/title: Atlas; Good Kid
_ _


“She said she was nothing but eager.”

. . .. ..


This is out of character.
But isn’t everything lately?

I mean honestly, what hasn’t changed?

I tell myself I will be complete when X happens, but X never comes, does it?
We never reach the end; The course never goes as planned..


And we’re not the character we intended to become.

/ / /

Then you said you said you said you said you said…

Another door, another question- I’m going ’round in circles, wondering when I’ll reach the end… (and I can’t help but give in)

Music/title: 1000 Doors; The Living Tombstone
_ _


“I’m losing the sense of where I am.”

. .. .


Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to cover it.

I miss this.
I miss the therapeutic nature of it all. I want to peel back the layers I have pasted onto myself; to escape the norm. This is what we aim for, right? The materialism. The cookie cutters, and decisive actions.

I can feel how close we are.


…Why can’t we grasp it?