But you held your course to some distant war, in the corners of your mind…


Music/title: Angela; The Lumineers
_ _

 

“Let the exits pass, all the tar and glass-
‘Til the road and sky align.”

. . .

 

I just need to catch my breath,
then everything will be okay, right?

. .
 

The dark parts of my brain are seeping through.

[ But you did it- you’re FREE. ]

.
 

Is that so?
I claim the void is supposed to be empty,

 

So why can’t I stop trying to fill it?
 

Remember last year when you told me, to always stay here and never leave me.. (The light from your eyes made it feel like we-e-e-e were dancing in the moonlight)


Music/title: Moonlight; Grace Vanderwaal
_ _

 

“These will be a life long stories.”

. . …

 

Four days and counting.
If you could see me now..

My life- In boxes again.
But this time I am making a home for myself.
I am creating everything that you took from me.

I am in control.

 

And you won’t ever take it from me again.
 

Daddy, I don’t wanna grow up anyway- Grown ups are all sad… (Doesn’t matter where I come from anyway)


Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
_ _

 

“I’ll grow up and get sad.”

. …. .

 

If only I’d known…
 

I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.

Not me.

All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.

What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?

.

[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.

Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love..
]

Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..

 

If only they knew.

/ / /

 
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..

Oh, and what’s the world becoming? No.. (What have we- What have we done?)


Music/title: Drowning World feat. Bjurman; Andrew Applepie
_ _

 

“So, so, so- “

. … ..

 

Covering it up breaks my heart.
Preemptively, even more so.

But it it must be done.
Twenty-eight years, and I’m ready for change. I’ve grown too comfortable in this world, in this skin. I need new.
I need out of routine.

“So, so, so- “

 

It must be done.

/ / /

 

I highly recommend this song.
A big thank you to Casey Neistat for introducing me to the love that is Andrew Applepie. <3

She said, “Drink that love don’t demand it. ‘Cause baby I can’t stand it when you look so pathetic…”


Music/title: Young Robot; Dance Gavin Dance
_ _

 

“Feeling like a savage,
You know I gotta have it.”

. ..

 

I thought I would enjoy firing her.
It was so justified, you know?

But here I am.
Drinking with Dance Gavin Dance.. Reminiscing in 2013.

What am I doing?

*sigh*

 

Two more months.
I can keep it together for two more months. ..Right?

/ / /

 
It’s been long time coming..

And the- And the smile it just, floats away.. (As if the world is satisfied when night turns into day)


Music/title: Waves; Electric Guest
_ _

 

“Oh, my mind, is all
Washed away, all away.”

. . .

 

More uneventful than most birthdays, I would say.
Yet, with the right company-
One of the best…….

.

Dear Arden,

I love you.
I’d take a gluten free snack adventure over gifts any day.

Bunches of love,
wifeo13.

 

/ / /

 
And always such a pretty thing..

And he told me, “Son, when they all come looking for you, where you gonna run?”


Music/title: Snowship (Thomas Jack Remix); Benjamin Francis Leftwich
_ _

 

“Your heart’s wired up to the eyes in your head,
and they’re flashing bright.”

. .. …
 

I look back, and I am reminded every reason my heart latched onto yours.
The reasons I denied for so long, now seem so very important.

Still, my chest swells and collapses within your eyes…

.

A ta?

/ / /
 
“I was only looking for the treasure in the dark.”

I fell in love at the open houses, I felt a little bit broken ’bout it. And now I know- You know I’ll follow you but.. (Where do we go from here?)

01-21-17-10
Music/title: Where Do We Go From Here?; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“Cause I saw the good and the bad in me,
But never which one I should be.”

. . .. ….. .

 

Is it real this time?
Am I finally reaching the surface?

A home.
A true home.
It all happened so fast- I was so against it, and then… It clicked; Everything fell into place. And now I can’t imagine anything else. My resolve deteriorates as we speak; My heart beating faster at the idea…

Do you know what this means to me?

No more boxes.
No more unsettled tendencies.

 

[ Does this mean I will finally feel complete? ]

.

No, love.
There is no such thing as complete.
Don’t you see?
We are never done,
But.. We are fulfilled.
We are happy,
and happier upon losing the unhappiness.
Don’t you see..?

.
 

[ Da, We are to survive.
And this is just the beginning… ]

I found the cure to growing older..

01-21-17-6
Music/title: I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy; Fall Out Boy
_ _

 

“You can’t cover it up.”

. …. ..

 

Is it normal to feel this much disappointment?
I mean, I know it’s fairly common, but this is borderline suffocating….

I keep thinking I can hold out. I can make it work!
..Only to be let down once again.

I hate them. ALL of them.
I hope the fucking cunts burn in their sleep.

 

Maybe I’m just jealous.
Jealous that I am not them.
Jealous that I didn’t stay where I belonged….

::sighs::

 

…Can I stop being an adult now?

/ / /

 
It’s so, so fitting…