These memories are nothing to me, just salt in the wound…


Music/title: Salt; Bad Suns
_ _

 

“And I don’t believe in the truth, truth.”

. . . .. . . … . .

 

I shouldn’t have cried.
I shouldn’t have given you hope.
I should’ve spoken every bitter word I swallowed.
But I listened.

 

Because that’s what you do, right?
That’s what’s polite?

[ I was merely being polite. ]

It didn’t affect me.
[ I didn’t wish to believe. ]

___ ___

 

What do you do when the darkest parts of you are shaken?

 

…You hope to hell that you’re right.
 

But you held your course to some distant war, in the corners of your mind…


Music/title: Angela; The Lumineers
_ _

 

“Let the exits pass, all the tar and glass-
‘Til the road and sky align.”

. . .

 

I just need to catch my breath,
then everything will be okay, right?

. .
 

The dark parts of my brain are seeping through.

[ But you did it- you’re FREE. ]

.
 

Is that so?
I claim the void is supposed to be empty,

 

So why can’t I stop trying to fill it?
 

Remember last year when you told me, to always stay here and never leave me.. (The light from your eyes made it feel like we-e-e-e were dancing in the moonlight)


Music/title: Moonlight; Grace Vanderwaal
_ _

 

“These will be a life long stories.”

. . …

 

Four days and counting.
If you could see me now..

My life- In boxes again.
But this time I am making a home for myself.
I am creating everything that you took from me.

I am in control.

 

And you won’t ever take it from me again.
 

Daddy, I don’t wanna grow up anyway- Grown ups are all sad… (Doesn’t matter where I come from anyway)


Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
_ _

 

“I’ll grow up and get sad.”

. …. .

 

If only I’d known…
 

I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.

Not me.

All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.

What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?

.

[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.

Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love..
]

Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..

 

If only they knew.

/ / /

 
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..

I can taste it on my tongue, but I couldn’t keep it all in my grasp… (How can I hope to ever find you now?)

01-02-17
Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“I can’t look away,
but I don’t wanna meet your eyes.”

.. . . …. .

 

Do you see me making an effort?
I’m trying, really. I truly am.
But it’s hard. My thoughts are pressing against all the happiness I feel.
Why am I so sad lately?
…Not depressed sadness, but a feeling of longing. An overwhelming, consistent wave of emotions.
Is this my body trying to tell me it’s time? Have I waited too long?

.

Your skin is never close enough to mine. ..why am I this unsettled?
You are there.
Everyday, you are there for me. …Yet,
I still don’t know what I need.

I think this is all part of my sickness.
The reason I was ever so afraid to love you-

 
So afraid of the possible effects,
that I’m caught in the endless cycle of hurting myself….

 

…How can I hope to be where you are?

/ / /

 
And I’m holding out my hand to you…

I’m sick of words that hang above my head- What about the kid? (It’s time the kid got FREE)

01-13-17-0
Music/title: Sleepless Club (WEKEED Boot); Lorde vs Flume
_ _

 

Take the pill, make it too real.
The other day I forgot my old address. I’m sitting pretty on the throne.
There’s nothing more I want, except to be alone..

. . ….. … ..

 

“There was no real sense of life,
because she had nothing to contrast it with.
The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly.
The farther you run, the more God wants you back.

Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

 

/ / /

 

It’s a day for words and curves.
Where do you see yourself at the end of your life?

Comment for me.

 

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, you’re saturating me…. (But I’m so comfortable)

11-19-16-0
Music/title: Undertow; Tool
_ _

“How could I let this bring me,
back to my knees?”

. .. …

Half the year spent trying not to die-
the other half desperately remembering how to live..

I’d love to promise you more.
To promise the new.
The inspiring.
The oh so illusive happiness.
Can’t you see me trying?

 

Here’s to hoping everything current stays in this past…

To learn to whisper and to scream (The whisper justifies the scream); To let each yearning finger breathe.. (NO, NOTHING LIVES UNLESS IT BREATHES!)

08.31.16
Music/title: Lovely Thing Suite: Knots; Watsky
_ _

 

“To burn, to worship, to mislead…”

… . …. … .

 

Every moment-
Demanding yet another relentless thud of hatred…

Don’t you love me? ..they say
Don’t you want to join us!? ..they cry
 

Fucking pathetic;
Ungrateful, weak-minded pieces of-
YOU ARE SO FAR FROM REALITY.
Want to know what it’s truly like on the other side?

 

…Join me.

/ / /

 

Here’s to coming up from the down-
To life, and the wondrous journey towards our death:

Watsky = x Infinity

HEY HEY! Ningen sanka, ai nige ningen fuan ka…. (Human paean, does love escaping make humans nervous?)

05.16.15 -1
Music/title: What’s Up, People?!; Maximum the Hormone
_ _

 

Is your life boring? (Ikiru imi tsumaran ka?)
Are you trembling with rage?
HUMAN?!”

. . ….

 

So you need me, do you?
You think your ‘suicide’ will make me love you again?

-Fuck you.

 

You’re a weak, pathetic excuse for a human, and I don’t need this shit.
Think I care about your worthless, menial life?
….You’re fucking insane.

 

/ / /

 
Henken-inken ningen funda ugokidase ore FIGHT…