I can taste the failure on your lips; And I’ll save you from yourself… (Can we make it out alive?)


Music/title: The Sadness Will Never End; Bring Me the Horizon
_ _

 

“And you’re trapped in your past,
Like it’s six feet under.”

. .. …

 

Don’t you think I fucking know..?
You think I haven’t tried to forgive and forget?

Go on- You tell me how to “fix it.”
You give me a quick and easy solution, step by step instructions now..
And I’ll fucking do it.
 

But don’t you tell me she can’t help it-
Don’t proclaim “Everyone can be saved” and “She’s still human.”
And DON’T fucking feed me that bullshit about your God..
Where was he when she nearly burned herself alive?
And when she was attempting murder, where was your God then?
. .. …
 

Think I’m going to die if I keep harboring these feelings?  –So fucking be it!
Your God should fucking know I’ve tried to forgive that worthless, incompetent piece of shit.
Your “fix” isn’t going to save anyone…

 

And it sure as hell isn’t going to save me.

03.21.15 [26/52] Hello there, Dear Nicholas…. ( I’ve hated you since our first kiss )

03.21.15
Music/title: Bungalow; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“You’ll never understand, I just did it ‘cause I can…”

. .. ..

 

It was just so damn vivid..

[ Are you still going through with it? ]

 

 
….Of-fucking-course.

. . .


 

Sometimes I hear her voice-  Playing those same conversations over and over in my head.
Sometimes I imagine smashing her head into the floor- Purely beyond recognition..

 

[ Still think you’re going through with it? ]

 

/ / /

 
I’ve had a little bit too much of her..

And something slow has started in me…

02.22.15 -1
Music/title: Love Dog; TV on the Radio
_ _

 

“Patience is a virtue,
Until it’s silence burns you.”

. .. . …

 

I thought this was supposed to make you happier?
What happened to the ‘if only I could go back’ and ‘what if’s?

Oh, just look at you-
On the outside, sure.. You’re fucking beautiful.
You’re perfect.  You’re what everyone on this planet strives to be!

Oh, but those insides, love..

 

…Just look at how beautifully you’re rotting away.

 

01.10.15 [16/52] And the circling is worth it; finding beauty in the dissonance…


Music/title: Schism; Tool
_ _

 

“I know the pieces fit.”

. .. . .

 

I think a person shouldn’t make me want to believe in a God; To believe in an afterlife..
But here we are..  Here I am.
 

I tell him I want to die first.  That I’m too scared of being alone.
I tell him I would be immortal with him- Immortal in a world where all I used to crave was death.
I tell him if he dies tomorrow, I would never love another the way I love him.
I tell him I am no longer complete without him.

But I do not believe in a God.
I do not believe in an afterlife. Or a ‘happy ever after’ past this mere mortality.
But in my mind we will live forever- Him and I, endlessly intertwined…

. .. . ..

 

Perhaps forever is a word we really can’t understand.

 

She used the poison in his tea, and kissed him goodbye. ( So it is. So it’s always been. ) ..It’s no fun ’til someone dies.


Music/title: Vicarious; Tool
_ _
 

[ I dreamt of her again. ]

Isn’t it always this way?  [ No.  It was different this time. ]
She was sane?  [ No, not quite. ]  Oh, but that room… You were in her room again, weren’t you?

[ Yes. ]

It felt more real, didn’t it?

[ Yes.  I could feel her beside me.
I could feel my disappointment with every word she didn’t hear me say.
. ]

You still feel trapped in that room, don’t you?

[ Yes.. I feel I’ll never fully escape. ]

/ / /
 

Ten years later.  And here I am..
Still sixteen, having one sided arguments with my essentially dead mother.

. .. .. .

When will it finally be enough?
Your actual death?  Is that what I’m waiting for? ..Do you think then I’ll feel at peace?
Do you think then I’ll stop fucking dreaming about your insanity?

Do you think then I’ll stop envisioning my fists pounding relentlessly into your fucking flesh?!

. .. .. .
 

I don’t think there’s anything normal about this anymore.
 

Tell me I’m the only one; Like I didn’t know.. ( Oh. Show. ) Tell me I’m the one that I can call… Even if you choke.


Music/title: Papi Pacify; FKA Twigs
_ _

 
“Material objects won’t fuck me over like living things….”

. … ..

 

The inability to trust, our insecurities.. My self destruction, it all boils down to the events in our childhood.  These things and these people we are around are forever shaping our lives..

I wish I could tell you it’ll be okay.
I wish you were smart enough to push yourself like I have.
I wish you could fix all the things that are pulling you down,
But I know you won’t. I know you don’t care.
And I know you haven’t cared for ten years now..

 

One day I will wake up. And you’ll be dead.
And I will lose the one person on this whole planet who knows what it felt like to grow up locked in that fucking house.  I will no longer have a bond with someone who knew what it was to live with that horrible, disgusting disgrace of a person we called ‘mom’.

One day I will lose you, and all I will think of is this past summer..
That look of betrayal on your face of….

“Why did you leave….?”
 
 
Because to survive- I simply had no choice.

.. .. . .

 
I’m sorry you will never get out.
I’m sorry you never trust, or feel love for another person.

 

…I’m sorry you will never even care to try.

Now she spurts, now she sputters, now she dies.. ( Kill the lights, close the curtains, shut your eyes…….. )

09.19.14 -2
Music/title: Quantum Of Solace; Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

I should be dead.

Or at least the living equivalent of it.
Ever seen your mother douse herself in gasoline?
[ Ever wished she’d actually lit the match? ]

.. . .. . . ..

Imagine for a brief moment your childhood.
Imagine your fifteen year old self wishing for your own death.
[ Kill yourself?  No. You wouldn’t go quite that far with it. ]
Imagine waking up alone.
Imagine not knowing if you’d see your mother today, or if she’d stay locked in that room.
[ You’re crying, pounding your tiny fists on her door.. It’s been weeks since you last felt the sun dig into your skin.
So desperate.. You’re swearing and screaming you won’t go anywhere else.
]

Sixteen years old, and she nearly lights the whole house on fire attempting her suicide.
[ But she’s your mother. You love her. How could you leave her?  It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Seventeen years old, and you left.  But still she calls.  And hours are filled with talk of your betrayal.
[ You’re a terrible daughter.  How could abandon your own mother like that.  Everyone else, sure …But you? ]

Twenty-two years old, and she nearly beats your grandmother to death with a paperweight.
[ But she won’t press charges.  Because it’s her daughter.  It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Twenty-five years old, and she’s finally institutionalized.  Locked away forever;
You wonder how it ever got this far..

[ Twenty-five years in- You’re happily engaged, miles and miles away from her insanity.
And you’re wondering how it ever got this far…
]

.. . . .. . .
 

Sometimes it’s worth holding your breath for just a little bit longer..
Because that single moment when the pain finally does stop…
That- That’s what’s really worth living for.

Another knife in my hands; a stain that never comes off the sheets- Clean me off… ( I’m so dirty babe )

12.30.13 -1

Music/title: I Never Told You What I Do For A Living; My Chemical Romance
_ _

 
The day I realized he was a psychopath, that’s when I really fell in love with him..

 

/ / /

 

“I’d just really like to cut them up into tiny little pieces.”
Looking back, I dunno why I always thought he was joking..
He always said these things in such a cheerful way when we were friends.  Everything he did was funny to me.  Hell, it STILL is, but for entirely different reasons…

We’d been best friends for years, yet dating for only a few months at this point.  And I remember he was trying to explain his “darker side” to me one night. I laughed, as usual. I told him I was entirely comfortable with him being mean to people.

“No, you don’t understand.
It’s… It’s like..
My dog. You know the one that’s sick?”

[ Yes. ]

“Yeah. I’m glad it’s dying. I want it to die. It’s a miserable waste of a human’s time and money, just the same as weak people… They all deserve to die.”

.. . . . .

 
I remember staring at him at him for a moment.
I remember he looked so small sitting in front of me; elaborating to the woman he loved, a person who’s heart was too big for her own good, that he was perfectly comfortable tormenting and destroying the people he felt inferior to him. That he actively wanted this.

And a part of me felt scared for a moment. I felt scared at the realization that the person I was dating, the person I loved more anything, could so easily and comfortably kill so many people he felt useless as a waste of space, time, and overall life.

But I saw him shaking on the floor.. I saw his heart laid out there before me, and I wanted to love it. I wanted so badly to show him he could be loved and happy despite the things he felt; the things about himself he couldn’t control.

So I crawled on top of him. I covered him with the weight of my body, and I let him feel that I didn’t care. That I still loved and accepted every part of him. Whether he ever killed or not, I wanted to be with him- despite everything he felt, or would ever feel. My life was a part of his now.

I felt his body slowly stop shaking beneath me.

“That’s amazing….
I’ve… I’ve never had anyone fix me like that..
..I love you, Bettina.”

.. .. . … . .

 
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, lately.
I feel like I should be more concerned or worried about him and what he’s capable of. Not many people proudly say, “Yes, my fiancé is perfectly comfortable killing people, and would easily get away with it.”

But, for some reason, I do..

 
I see the way he looks at me, how happy just my mere presence makes him, and I know that he’ll never kill as long as I’m alive. I know that he’ll live a content, full life with the occasional anger and urge to kill people. And I know the moment I die he will quickly find the people he despises- Ending their lives in the most tormenting, gruesome way imaginable.

I am perfectly comfortable with this.
And yet, I wonder…

 

What does this say about me?