Oh, these soft legged girls, and hard faced boys…. (Do you wish to feel complete?)

01-21-17-0
Music/title: We Are The Sound; Alexisonfire
_ _

 

“Say you want it, you need it.”

. ..

 
If only my heart could harden to match yours.

Perhaps you saw the coldness inside of me first-
Why do I feel such a compulsion to watch you at your best?

Perhaps I am still trying to outdo the darkness living inside..
Something to truly brings me to my knees.

. .

Isn’t that all I ever want?
To serve?
To be your slave?

Through sickness,
Through their death.

. . 
 

I don’t know who I am anymore.

/ / /

 
There is nothing but anger burning inside of me..

And she runs, and she waits… ( And I wait )

01.23.16 -1
Music/title: Tyler; The Toadies
_ _

 

“I will be with her tonight!”

. .. . ..

 

I thought I was so, so sure of it all..
Is it actually necessary to go through every single desire?
…Will this achieve my sense of self-fulfillment?

I’d like to think not….

. .. . ..

 
“I gave up that life for her.”

Maybe this is what he meant.
I thought finding someone to embrace that life was all that mattered…
And then I thought differently.   I thought I was wrong.

 

….I fucking hope I haven’t been right from the start.

 

/ / /

 
I hear the fear in her voice…

I took them down, I broke down every thought as if they were mine…

04.04.15 -2
Music/title: We Follow; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“I don’t know anything at all…”

. … ..

 

Here I am
Still finding myself consumed by them, my own treacherous thoughts..
But there you are- Holding me firmly; comforting every single fiber of my being..

“At the end of the day… I have you.”

.. …

My Dear Love,

I want to be broken.
I want you to take me apart.
I want to feel the pieces shift, relentlessly shattering to the floor.
I want to be consumed by my own insignificance-

To have you build everything back as it was.. Only better than before.

.. ….
 
Oh, my Dear Sir,

 
Break me yet again. ….for I need to feel complete.

 

An isle of flightless birds.. I am cold, can you hear? ( And the ground, it taunts my wings.. )

09.13.13
 
Music/title: Isle of Flightless Birds; Twenty One Pilots
_ _
 
 
I am slowly discovering just how deep this all goes.
I see my own self destruction lacing every fiber that I am,
and it scares the ever living out of me.
 
[ Happiness equals vulnerability..
It’s comfortable to feel worthless…
]
 
I am slowly discovering I am capable of so much more.
I see myself accepting things that feel good,
and it scares the ever living out of me.
 
.. .. . ..
 
“Now is the climax to the story-
And he is waiting, oh so patiently..”

 

05.26.12 [151] Where the land is low, is where the bones will show through. Nameless you above me, come lay me low and love me.

05.26.12
 
Music/title: Love Dog; TV On the Radio
_ _
 
 
I want to feel naked. exposed. and helpless.
I want to be beaten. degraded. Made to feel worthless.
 
I know these aren’t normal things, but they’re constant struggles for me. I’m angry at my mother, but I can’t talk to her. I can’t yell at her. Or hit her. So here I am. Needing to be put in my place once again.
 
I’m not really sure how I’ve worked myself into this mood so quickly.
 
 
But my thoughts are consuming me.