Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, you’re saturating me…. (But I’m so comfortable)

11-19-16-0
Music/title: Undertow; Tool
_ _

“How could I let this bring me,
back to my knees?”

. .. …

Half the year spent trying not to die-
the other half desperately remembering how to live..

I’d love to promise you more.
To promise the new.
The inspiring.
The oh so illusive happiness.
Can’t you see me trying?

 

Here’s to hoping everything current stays in this past…

[04/05] Forget my jealously, you swallowed the demons on your own. There’s nothing left for me… (Where did I go wrong?)

06.09.16 -3
Music/title: We Own The Night; Dance Gavin Dance
_ _

 

“Just fake it through the day,
And the night is your god.”

.. .. .

 

[ Is this what you wanted?
..Do you feel better now?!
Were you ever really happy to begin with?
]

….What happens when the answers are just as hard?

. . .

 

“Do it again, do it again, do it again, now grow.”

 

[03/05] And I’m gonna have to learn that this love will never be convenient, convenient… (Oh, convenient)

06.09.16 -2
Music/title: Tattooed Tears; The Front Bottoms
_ _

 

I hear her whisper,
“All I want is to want nothing.”

.. . ..

 

You wanted me to want it for so long.
Your dream- Your idea of ‘perfect beauty’ all wrapped up in a singular, well-formed package.
And then suddenly the dream is a forced reality.
And my formerly structured self perspective falls to pieces within my own hands.
 

You say, “No, that’s not right.”
It wasn’t supposed to happen this way…
Yeah, well-

“You can’t teach God anything.”

 

 

And I can’t tell you the reality brings my confidence to tears….
 

/ / /

 
There is no music when we kiss…

And are you happy with what you’ve become…. (Can you tell me loudly?)

05.17.18
Music/title: For The Silent; Say Anything
_ _

 

“It’s not much better than death,
Giving up on everything.”

. .. … .

 

I keep thinking I’ll get lucky.
That just the right person must be out there, somewhere…
I am hopeful.  I am nostalgic.  (I am lonely.)

And it consumes me.

 

Why should I care?
Why should I need them to ‘complete’ myself?
[ Because you’re weak. ]

Faith in humanity… To think that people call this a strength….
It’s a fucking hindrance to my sanity.

. … …

 

Maybe he made me this way,
Maybe this is how I’ve always been..

 

…Does the road traveled really change this outcome?

But it’s collisions we need to remind us that we’re alive…

011
Music/title: This Ain’t No Place For Animals; Hands Like Houses
_ _

 

“Tear back the skin to find,
to chase a pulse back home.”

.. . …

 

[ Life is just so goddamn hard… Every time I get to the good parts, it feels like something else takes them away. I feel one day I won’t be able to handle anything else, and that I’ll just break down. ]

 
“Then I will pick your pieces back up and put you back together.
Because I will never let you give up.  And even if you can’t believe in yourself,
I will make you believe in the me that believes in you.”

 

/ / /

 
And we still know nothing…

06.27.15 [40/52] I’m dying to feel again.. (Anything at all) But- Oh, I feel nothin’, nothin’, nothin’ (…Nothing at all)

06.23.15
Music/title: Gold; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“But now you can’t tell the false from the real..”

 

.. . ..

 

He looked at me the same way I looked at him..
Like he wanted to stop everything, and immerse himself in my world- To get away from normalcy and routine
His eyes felt hollow as he stared down at me ..As if trapped within his own personal sinking boat.

I know he was speaking to me.   And I could hear the words..
But all I could think was, God… I want to save to him. 
I want to tell him that there is more to life than what you’re given.  That it does get better-
That the harder you push, the more you get.  That your life does NOT define you!
That you are not “Imagine Dragons-“  You are not this person that the world has made you out to be..
You are the boy that grew up with dreams bigger than the shoes life had predetermined him to fill.

That maybe-Maybe that void you feel deep inside the pit of your stomach was never meant to be filled.
That I know it’s exhausting, and that it hurts to feel so empty in a world that is so clearly full
and at our constant disposal… But what if our void is supposed to be there? 
What if we are never meant to be complete?

 
Maybe that void we all feel is what actually drives us-
What is supposed to push us to constantly demand more from life.
Maybe your void is like my void…

 

 

And maybe we’re not so different after all.

 
/ / /

 
I’ve never seen this side of you..

04.18.15 [30/52] Now that we’re lonely, Now that there’s nowhere to go… ( we lost faith, in the arms of love )

04.12.15 -5
Music/title: The Wolves; Ben Howard
_ _

 

Wash.. Rinse.. Repeat..
And out of the depression we come.

. … …

 

I still fight the urges.
Those tiny prickling sensations when we’re just close enough..
I feel my lungs slow; my heart speed up..
And I want to scream- To get as far away from it as I possibly can.
I want to go back to when I never wanted it.
To when you didn’t want it.
To when my own body didn’t betray me so much-
You say you’d love me regardless..
But what if I don’t? ..What if I never forgive myself for it?
. …. …

Sometimes I want the pain; all the awful memories…
To remember how wonderful everything is going to be now.

 

 
And, sometimes.. Sometimes I want those tiny, prickling sensations too.

 

/ / /

 
Red tongues and hands..

04.11.15 [29/52] So I began to hate everything; all at once I was running.. But I couldn’t fake it anymore. (Could you feel me screaming out?)

04.11.15
Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“Who am I to expect anything?”

.. . ….

 

“It’s not too different.
You don’t find depression in a bottle or package.
You make it yourself.  You dispense it from your own mind.

Regardless of my own understanding or lack of empathy, I do love you..
More than anything.


And if I can’t speak to the love of my life-
Take her places and talk her through her own form of addiction, then what kind of man would I be?”

… ….
 

“Do you know why we get sad, Bettina?”

[ No. ]

 

“To remind ourselves why we want to be happy.”