01.20.18 [3/52] And all we ever wanted was sunlight and honesty- Highlights to wanna repeat.. But this is how it goes; The end credits—they roll.. (This bridge was built over kerosene)

Music/title: End Credits; EDEN
_ _


“Cause happy endings hardest to fake.”

. . ….


It didn’t sting nearly as much this time..
[ We did her a favor, really. ]

The colder it gets, the easier it becomes-
But you’d never guess.

– –

I’ll bet you think I don’t have a heartless bone in my body.


That’s where you’d be wrong.

/ / /

So let’s run..

But you held your course to some distant war, in the corners of your mind…

Music/title: Angela; The Lumineers
_ _


“Let the exits pass, all the tar and glass-
‘Til the road and sky align.”

. . .


I just need to catch my breath,
then everything will be okay, right?

. .

The dark parts of my brain are seeping through.

[ But you did it- you’re FREE. ]


Is that so?
I claim the void is supposed to be empty,


So why can’t I stop trying to fill it?

Daddy, I don’t wanna grow up anyway- Grown ups are all sad… (Doesn’t matter where I come from anyway)

Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
_ _


“I’ll grow up and get sad.”

. …. .


If only I’d known…

I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.

Not me.

All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.

What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?


[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.

Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love..

Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..


If only they knew.

/ / /

It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..

My life, my love, my drive, it came from… Pain! (You made me a, you made me a believer, believer)

Music/title: Believer; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“Don’t you tell me what you think that I can be.”

… . .


and Again. and Again.
It’s what you want, right?
Your goals quickly coming to an end.

Who will you be now?
What will inflict the pain you so desire?

. . 

“You made me a,
You made me a believer.”

/ / /

Never ending shifting.
The changes are so frequent lately I can’t keep up.
But we’re happy if we’re not paying too close attention to the detail, right?



I do believe I am.

Oh, these soft legged girls, and hard faced boys…. (Do you wish to feel complete?)

Music/title: We Are The Sound; Alexisonfire
_ _


“Say you want it, you need it.”

. ..

If only my heart could harden to match yours.

Perhaps you saw the coldness inside of me first-
Why do I feel such a compulsion to watch you at your best?

Perhaps I am still trying to outdo the darkness living inside..
Something to truly brings me to my knees.

. .

Isn’t that all I ever want?
To serve?
To be your slave?

Through sickness,
Through their death.

. . 

I don’t know who I am anymore.

/ / /

There is nothing but anger burning inside of me..

[02/05] ‘Cause you were high school, and I was just more like real life.. (And you were okay, okay)

06.09.16 -1
Music/title: Father; The Front Bottoms
_ _


“I’ll do the pushups,
I’ll wear the makeup.”

.. .. …

It feels almost as if I’ve misplaced the entire door to my home-
Left wandering aimlessly with keys in hand.

It’s coming back.
Slowly, but surely…


..I’m finding the door to myself again.

/ / /

I’ll do whatever he wants all night.

‘Cause nobody knows it better, than the girl in the corner with the scarlet letter…

02.27.16 -0

Music/title: Say My Name (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
_ _


“So take a chance,
Take a chance.”

.. … .


Stop.  Rewind.  And reorder everything.

Is this not all you ever thought it would be?
This beautiful life you’ve created.
The world everyone envies….

Is it enough?

[ Has it ever really been so? ]


Let’s escape these all encompassing thoughts;
Keep them from slowly, surely dissecting from the inside out.

You think you want to preserve this life?



Oh, my dear love,
You’ve never wanted to preserve anything….