These memories are nothing to me, just salt in the wound…


Music/title: Salt; Bad Suns
_ _

 

“And I don’t believe in the truth, truth.”

. . . .. . . … . .

 

I shouldn’t have cried.
I shouldn’t have given you hope.
I should’ve spoken every bitter word I swallowed.
But I listened.

 

Because that’s what you do, right?
That’s what’s polite?

[ I was merely being polite. ]

It didn’t affect me.
[ I didn’t wish to believe. ]

___ ___

 

What do you do when the darkest parts of you are shaken?

 

…You hope to hell that you’re right.
 

Daddy, I don’t wanna grow up anyway- Grown ups are all sad… (Doesn’t matter where I come from anyway)


Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
_ _

 

“I’ll grow up and get sad.”

. …. .

 

If only I’d known…
 

I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.

Not me.

All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.

What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?

.

[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.

Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love..
]

Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..

 

If only they knew.

/ / /

 
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..

My life, my love, my drive, it came from… Pain! (You made me a, you made me a believer, believer)


Music/title: Believer; Imagine Dragons
_ _

 

“Don’t you tell me what you think that I can be.”

… . .

 

Again.
and Again. and Again.
It’s what you want, right?
Your goals quickly coming to an end.

Who will you be now?
What will inflict the pain you so desire?

. . 

“You made me a,
You made me a believer.”

/ / /

 
Never ending shifting.
The changes are so frequent lately I can’t keep up.
But we’re happy if we’re not paying too close attention to the detail, right?

Happy…

 

Yes.
I do believe I am.

I fell in love at the open houses, I felt a little bit broken ’bout it. And now I know- You know I’ll follow you but.. (Where do we go from here?)

01-21-17-10
Music/title: Where Do We Go From Here?; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“Cause I saw the good and the bad in me,
But never which one I should be.”

. . .. ….. .

 

Is it real this time?
Am I finally reaching the surface?

A home.
A true home.
It all happened so fast- I was so against it, and then… It clicked; Everything fell into place. And now I can’t imagine anything else. My resolve deteriorates as we speak; My heart beating faster at the idea…

Do you know what this means to me?

No more boxes.
No more unsettled tendencies.

 

[ Does this mean I will finally feel complete? ]

.

No, love.
There is no such thing as complete.
Don’t you see?
We are never done,
But.. We are fulfilled.
We are happy,
and happier upon losing the unhappiness.
Don’t you see..?

.
 

[ Da, We are to survive.
And this is just the beginning… ]

I’m sick of words that hang above my head- What about the kid? (It’s time the kid got FREE)

01-13-17-0
Music/title: Sleepless Club (WEKEED Boot); Lorde vs Flume
_ _

 

Take the pill, make it too real.
The other day I forgot my old address. I’m sitting pretty on the throne.
There’s nothing more I want, except to be alone..

. . ….. … ..

 

“There was no real sense of life,
because she had nothing to contrast it with.
The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly.
The farther you run, the more God wants you back.

Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

 

/ / /

 

It’s a day for words and curves.
Where do you see yourself at the end of your life?

Comment for me.

 

It’s only water, It’s only fire… (It’s only love)

02-27-16-2
Music/title: It’s Only (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
_ _

 

“It’s only slaughter,
We’re only liars,
It’s only blood.”

. …..

 

To be wanted; to be needed- A mutual addiction.
It’s all you ever desired, Da?

Such a strong emotion...
But you sure know that, don’t you?

[ yes. ]

I know you miss it- The way it’s all played..
That’s why you choose them, isn’t it?
Because who else could control what you have obtained..

The murderers.
The psycho and sociopaths.
The unloved and unwanted of society- You crave them;
Crave the mutual addiction of the unattainable.

.

[ “They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.” ]

.
 

To be wanted; to be needed is simple.
Oh, but to be desired by them….

 

True emotional ecstasy.

. . .

 

"You’re only crying, you’re only dying, you’re only dead." 

And the words on the tip of my tongue are tangled in what you did…

02-27-16-1
Music/title: Winter Breaks Me; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
_ _

 

“Give me what you came for,
(Give me something better.)”

. ….. .

 

How was that?
[ How are we? ]

Sometimes I wish we had a destination;
A place we could finally be close enough.

Do you remember?
That first year?
We more than kissed.
You more than held me.
The year nothing felt close enough.

I do.

How that was,
How we are-

I s’pose this is just that.

 

To learn to whisper and to scream (The whisper justifies the scream); To let each yearning finger breathe.. (NO, NOTHING LIVES UNLESS IT BREATHES!)

08.31.16
Music/title: Lovely Thing Suite: Knots; Watsky
_ _

 

“To burn, to worship, to mislead…”

… . …. … .

 

Every moment-
Demanding yet another relentless thud of hatred…

Don’t you love me? ..they say
Don’t you want to join us!? ..they cry
 

Fucking pathetic;
Ungrateful, weak-minded pieces of-
YOU ARE SO FAR FROM REALITY.
Want to know what it’s truly like on the other side?

 

…Join me.

/ / /

 

Here’s to coming up from the down-
To life, and the wondrous journey towards our death:

Watsky = x Infinity