It’s only water, It’s only fire… (It’s only love)

02-27-16-2
Music/title: It’s Only (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
_ _

 

“It’s only slaughter,
We’re only liars,
It’s only blood.”

. …..

 

To be wanted; to be needed- A mutual addiction.
It’s all you ever desired, Da?

Such a strong emotion...
But you sure know that, don’t you?

[ yes. ]

I know you miss it- The way it’s all played..
That’s why you choose them, isn’t it?
Because who else could control what you have obtained..

The murderers.
The psycho and sociopaths.
The unloved and unwanted of society- You crave them;
Crave the mutual addiction of the unattainable.

.

[ “They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.” ]

.
 

To be wanted; to be needed is simple.
Oh, but to be desired by them….

 

True emotional ecstasy.

. . .

 

"You’re only crying, you’re only dying, you’re only dead." 

HEY HEY! Ningen sanka, ai nige ningen fuan ka…. (Human paean, does love escaping make humans nervous?)

05.16.15 -1
Music/title: What’s Up, People?!; Maximum the Hormone
_ _

 

Is your life boring? (Ikiru imi tsumaran ka?)
Are you trembling with rage?
HUMAN?!”

. . ….

 

So you need me, do you?
You think your ‘suicide’ will make me love you again?

-Fuck you.

 

You’re a weak, pathetic excuse for a human, and I don’t need this shit.
Think I care about your worthless, menial life?
….You’re fucking insane.

 

/ / /

 
Henken-inken ningen funda ugokidase ore FIGHT…

And your compliments look good on me… (But no one knows you better)

Music/title: Say My Name (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
_ _

 

This is my obsession.

. … ..

 

I watch your thirst for violence, and I wonder what it feels like…
Would the same ‘goodness’ be felt that most achieve when experiencing compassion?
What would it mean if you were ever to feel such a release?
 

A part of me wants to give it you.

I just imagine the sheer comfort you would feel within the grasp of pure torture,
And it pulls at my heart strings….

 

This is my insanity,
perhaps.

 

…Or perhaps I am just as evil as you.

 

/ / /

 
“This confession has meant nothing…”

And forgive me love for wanting you… (Oh you, oh you…..)

002
Music/title: All Choked Up; Say Anything
_ _

 

“Oh can you see me now?”

. .. ….

 

I felt the anger, the frustration all bubbling up inside me.
But there you lay- So small…  So caught up in fighting your inner demons.
I felt it all melting.  Felt the tiny strings of my heart pulling tight with each thought….
Fucking worthless- Piece of insignificant shit.  …How could you?! 

I closed my eyes, pressing my head against yours..
My hands clutched at the base of your neck.
I let my lips find you.
I felt your apathy.  Your hatred.  And I felt every demon.
…I kissed you again.  And again… I felt your seclusion falling away,
And I felt you kiss me back…

 

Is this what it means?
To so strongly love that you cease your own emotions… 

 

I can run, I can change all the answers… (Or what I hope they’d be)

11.21.15 -0
Music/title: Hope; We Came As Romans
_ _

 

“Don’t fade away…”

. .. . …

 

Isn’t it always this way?
Always on the wrong side of the glass- Looking in, never out…

I know you’re scared.
I know deep down that you’re fighting the inevitable.
And I wish I could give you my experiences; taking all the horrible things I’ve done-
Showing you it’s not so bad as all that.

 

Someday, love.
We will be free from this… From them..

 
One day.

 

Another knife in my hands; a stain that never comes off the sheets- Clean me off… ( I’m so dirty babe )

12.30.13 -1

Music/title: I Never Told You What I Do For A Living; My Chemical Romance
_ _

 
The day I realized he was a psychopath, that’s when I really fell in love with him..

 

/ / /

 

“I’d just really like to cut them up into tiny little pieces.”
Looking back, I dunno why I always thought he was joking..
He always said these things in such a cheerful way when we were friends.  Everything he did was funny to me.  Hell, it STILL is, but for entirely different reasons…

We’d been best friends for years, yet dating for only a few months at this point.  And I remember he was trying to explain his “darker side” to me one night. I laughed, as usual. I told him I was entirely comfortable with him being mean to people.

“No, you don’t understand.
It’s… It’s like..
My dog. You know the one that’s sick?”

[ Yes. ]

“Yeah. I’m glad it’s dying. I want it to die. It’s a miserable waste of a human’s time and money, just the same as weak people… They all deserve to die.”

.. . . . .

 
I remember staring at him at him for a moment.
I remember he looked so small sitting in front of me; elaborating to the woman he loved, a person who’s heart was too big for her own good, that he was perfectly comfortable tormenting and destroying the people he felt inferior to him. That he actively wanted this.

And a part of me felt scared for a moment. I felt scared at the realization that the person I was dating, the person I loved more anything, could so easily and comfortably kill so many people he felt useless as a waste of space, time, and overall life.

But I saw him shaking on the floor.. I saw his heart laid out there before me, and I wanted to love it. I wanted so badly to show him he could be loved and happy despite the things he felt; the things about himself he couldn’t control.

So I crawled on top of him. I covered him with the weight of my body, and I let him feel that I didn’t care. That I still loved and accepted every part of him. Whether he ever killed or not, I wanted to be with him- despite everything he felt, or would ever feel. My life was a part of his now.

I felt his body slowly stop shaking beneath me.

“That’s amazing….
I’ve… I’ve never had anyone fix me like that..
..I love you, Bettina.”

.. .. . … . .

 
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, lately.
I feel like I should be more concerned or worried about him and what he’s capable of. Not many people proudly say, “Yes, my fiancé is perfectly comfortable killing people, and would easily get away with it.”

But, for some reason, I do..

 
I see the way he looks at me, how happy just my mere presence makes him, and I know that he’ll never kill as long as I’m alive. I know that he’ll live a content, full life with the occasional anger and urge to kill people. And I know the moment I die he will quickly find the people he despises- Ending their lives in the most tormenting, gruesome way imaginable.

I am perfectly comfortable with this.
And yet, I wonder…

 

What does this say about me?