10.09.12 [287] They say, “Be afraid, you’re not like the others.” Next thing, we’re touching.. We are always running for the thrill of it, thrill of it.

10.09.12
 
Music/title: E.T. Feels Starry Eyed (Club Mix); Kap Slap
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“You just look so vulnerable..”
 
Arden admitted he loves me. We’d both been awake for over 24 hours. He didn’t know what to do with all the emotions he was feeling, and I tried to help.. but I really don’t think there is anything to do.
 
I admitted I felt bad. He said that’s exactly what he didn’t want. But how could I not? ..with Erica.. knowing what it feels like to love someone and knowing they don’t love you back? It was tearing me up inside. I wanted to give him everything he wanted right then. To kiss him and hold him and, just, everything.. But for all the wrong reasons. Selfish reasons, possibly- to make myself feel better about the situation. I feel as though I dug my own grave here, but it’s never just one person.
 
I’m not entirely blaming myself for once.
And I don’t know what to do.
 
 
/ / /
 
A person does have have a certain vulnerable, naked look to them when they deprive themselves of sleep. Whether or not they actually are naked.
 

…it’s in the eyes.

05.30.12 [155] But I’m a fool, standing naked and dressed as myself.

05.30.12
 
Music/title: Fool; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
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Tomorrow. I’m telling her tomorrow. ::breathes deep:: It’s just a girl. I shouldn’t be this nervous. On the other hand, the last time I told a girl I loved her it ended a friendship.
 
Not this time. I refuse.
 
besides. it’s just love. i’m not *in* love, right? ..right? Right.
 
/ / /
 
The morning after I decide to say fuck it. Let the chips fall where they may. Let’s fuck who I like, because I like to. Naked, exposed, and, yet, keeping my heart intact.
 
 
Here I am.
 

04.29.12 [124] If I can pretend, I don’t depend. I can deny, deny denial.

04.29.12
 
Music/title: Invisible Monsters; Motion City Soundtrack
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I should be sleeping, but I’m not. No Jenny tonight. Instead I went to a couple of somewhat odd/awesome bars in Flint with Jesse and friends. Didn’t enjoy myself as much as I would’ve with Jenny, but it was a different kind of fun. And Jenny will most likely happen Wednesday night, so I’m satisfied. ::smiles::
 
I don’t really understand any of this anymore. I feel like I’m burying myself in things until there’s no room left to breathe. But I don’t want to breathe. I don’t need air. I need to suffocate myself in people and friends and all the things that I’ve missed out on. I need to feel like I’m actually living.
 
I haven’t thought about Warren in so long. I don’t mean just the occasional thought or mention of him in conversation. I mean really thought about him.
 
Does this mean I’m doing well with the breakup? Or really badly? Why did I just suddenly stop being devastated? It was four years, and I suddenly don’t care anymore?
 
This is how Erica always ended relationships. Maybe it’s what works.
 
 
I really should be sleeping now.