And I’ve fallen for you… (You’re nothing, you’re nothing)

03.12.16 -0
Music/title: Let’s Fall In Love Some More; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“…You’re nothing like me.”

. . … .

 

You are right.
You were there with me through a lot of fucked up shit- But we are separate people.
With separate interests.
And despite how much you love me,
I don’t think you really like me as a person.

You don’t like any of the people I am friends with.
Or the people I date.
Or the choices I make in life-
What is left but the bond from being held hostage together?

I stopped talking to you years ago.
You are the one that wanted to start this again, if you remember.
 

So maybe it’s better this way after all…

 

/ / /

 
Forever, and not at all..

02.07.15 [20/52] And your wrist got bruised, and you wanted better love… Well, it’s sleeping in your bedroom.

02.07.15
Music/title: Walking The Dog; Fun.
_ _

 

“I’ve met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging
on the wall behind him, and God asks me, “Why?”  Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn’t I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can’t I see how we’re all manifestations of love?

I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God’s got this all wrong.
We are not special.  We are not crap or trash, either.  We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, “No, that’s not right.”

Yeah.  Well.  Whatever.  You can’t teach God anything.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

 

/ / /

 
Hold on, stay on my side, don’t go…

09.27.14 [1/52] Take me out of your head, feed me luminol instead- Of your thoughts, of your skin.. ( I’m fine, I’m fine! )

09.27.14
Music/title: Luminol; Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

The time has finally come…

. . .. . ….
 

A piece of my life was once filled with photography.
It helped me grow, and become the person I am finally proud to say I am today.
Photography helped me realize that not only could I create things to share; that others would love, but that I could create goals- Actually keeping and enjoying them in the process.  There were many reasons I stopped after my goal was achieved, but I find myself once again feeling a similar void in my life..
That something is missing.

My days are going by too quickly to remember,
and I feel regret with every un-captured moment I let slip by.

So here I am.
Middle of the year.  52 weeks.  Day 1:

I always feel a self-portrait is in order for the first photo.
This, my wonderful and incredibly missed friends.. Is only the beginning of what’s in store.

::smirks::

 

A boy with a coin, he crammed in his jeans. Then making a wish, he tossed in the sea…

05.01.14 -1
 
Music/title: Boy With A Coin; Iron & Wine
_ _
 
 
We crawled into the back of his car, and I suddenly remembered last year..
 
The way I had crossed that ever so thinning line between us being ‘just friends’ and ‘something more.’ I threw my things aside and laid my head against his chest. This was where I belonged. With him. ..It was always with him, and it was never enough. He played this song, knowing I’d fallen in love with him to it. The glass was starting to fog, and I could see the clear reflection of the face he’d drawn for me last year.
Everything was so perfect...
 
He sat up, held my hands in his, and I could feel every emotion swell up inside me..
 
.. .. .. ..
 
“Does this song still give you butterflies?”
 
[ Yes… Do you still get them with me? ]
 
“Yes.”
 
[ I can never see them anymore.. When do you feel them? ]
 
“All the time, Bettina.
…because I love you so much.”

 
… .. . ..
 
I remember feeling sad for a moment.
Just a brief moment, thinking back to when I could see his every emotion so clearly. I missed that. It made me sad knowing that he still felt them and I couldn’t see. But then he spoke to me, and in his hands he held out a small box.. And on his face I saw the butterflies. Once again I saw his emotions, and the way he loved the ever living out of me as he asked me to spend the rest of my life by his side.
 
 
 
It was you, Arden.
Whether I realized it or not, it’s always been you..

 

Fuck you if you love a car for it’s paint job; love you if you love a car for the road trips. (Show me the miles on your arms..)

03.08.13. -2
 
Music/title: Sloppy Seconds; Watsky
_ _
 
 
Let’s throw everything to the wind. Let’s say, ‘Fuck it all!’ Let’s evolve; let the chips fall where they may.
And never question the actions we have with the best intentions.
You want to feel invincible?
 
Just be..
 
… .. . .. . .
 
“But don’t paint me like the good guy ‘cause every time I write
I get to choose the angle that you view me, and select the nicest light.”

 
~ Tiny Glowing Screens (Part 2); Watsky
 

10.09.12 [287] They say, “Be afraid, you’re not like the others.” Next thing, we’re touching.. We are always running for the thrill of it, thrill of it.

10.09.12
 
Music/title: E.T. Feels Starry Eyed (Club Mix); Kap Slap
_ _
 
 
“You just look so vulnerable..”
 
Arden admitted he loves me. We’d both been awake for over 24 hours. He didn’t know what to do with all the emotions he was feeling, and I tried to help.. but I really don’t think there is anything to do.
 
I admitted I felt bad. He said that’s exactly what he didn’t want. But how could I not? ..with Erica.. knowing what it feels like to love someone and knowing they don’t love you back? It was tearing me up inside. I wanted to give him everything he wanted right then. To kiss him and hold him and, just, everything.. But for all the wrong reasons. Selfish reasons, possibly- to make myself feel better about the situation. I feel as though I dug my own grave here, but it’s never just one person.
 
I’m not entirely blaming myself for once.
And I don’t know what to do.
 
 
/ / /
 
A person does have have a certain vulnerable, naked look to them when they deprive themselves of sleep. Whether or not they actually are naked.
 

…it’s in the eyes.

04.29.12 [124] If I can pretend, I don’t depend. I can deny, deny denial.

04.29.12
 
Music/title: Invisible Monsters; Motion City Soundtrack
_ _
 
 
I should be sleeping, but I’m not. No Jenny tonight. Instead I went to a couple of somewhat odd/awesome bars in Flint with Jesse and friends. Didn’t enjoy myself as much as I would’ve with Jenny, but it was a different kind of fun. And Jenny will most likely happen Wednesday night, so I’m satisfied. ::smiles::
 
I don’t really understand any of this anymore. I feel like I’m burying myself in things until there’s no room left to breathe. But I don’t want to breathe. I don’t need air. I need to suffocate myself in people and friends and all the things that I’ve missed out on. I need to feel like I’m actually living.
 
I haven’t thought about Warren in so long. I don’t mean just the occasional thought or mention of him in conversation. I mean really thought about him.
 
Does this mean I’m doing well with the breakup? Or really badly? Why did I just suddenly stop being devastated? It was four years, and I suddenly don’t care anymore?
 
This is how Erica always ended relationships. Maybe it’s what works.
 
 
I really should be sleeping now.