You gave up being good when you declared a state of war… (I DON’T BEHAVE, I DON’T BEHAVE, OH EH)


Music/title: Kill V. Maim; Grimes
_ _

 

“Oh, the fire, it’s alright.
The people touch it-
I can’t touch it, even though it’s mine.”

. .. …

 

I couldn’t think of a single trait of hers I carried within me.

Was I happy?
Would I really want to be like her?

I sure used to think so.
I haven’t thought of her in a while.
I haven’t needed to.

She could be dead with all the others as far as I know.
…Wouldn’t that be a treat.

Do you think most daughters wish their mothers dead today?

 

Can you even stomach the concept?

/ / /

 
And I do what I can.

And I’ve fallen for you… (You’re nothing, you’re nothing)

03.12.16 -0
Music/title: Let’s Fall In Love Some More; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“…You’re nothing like me.”

. . … .

 

You are right.
You were there with me through a lot of fucked up shit- But we are separate people.
With separate interests.
And despite how much you love me,
I don’t think you really like me as a person.

You don’t like any of the people I am friends with.
Or the people I date.
Or the choices I make in life-
What is left but the bond from being held hostage together?

I stopped talking to you years ago.
You are the one that wanted to start this again, if you remember.
 

So maybe it’s better this way after all…

 

/ / /

 
Forever, and not at all..

I can run, I can change all the answers… (Or what I hope they’d be)

11.21.15 -0
Music/title: Hope; We Came As Romans
_ _

 

“Don’t fade away…”

. .. . …

 

Isn’t it always this way?
Always on the wrong side of the glass- Looking in, never out…

I know you’re scared.
I know deep down that you’re fighting the inevitable.
And I wish I could give you my experiences; taking all the horrible things I’ve done-
Showing you it’s not so bad as all that.

 

Someday, love.
We will be free from this… From them..

 
One day.

 

And you’ll never know anyone now….

10.19.15 -1

Music/title: Fog; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“But if you get up now, you can try to survive.”

. . .. …

 

I would’ve given you anything in that moment-
Whatever you named, it was yours…

Holding your head in my lap, as I did a year ago…
I felt your tears streaming onto my skin-
My heart aching to watch you desperately cling to the boy inside.

 

You’re never really old enough to deal with these things.
….And I’m sorry you have to.

 

/ / /

 
I’ve been trying to figure it out my whole life…

07.04.15 [41/52] But the devil is inside me, and he is whispering in my ear, “Everyone in the world would like you dead…”

06.28.15
Music/title: Our Father Is Missing; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“…My God what have we become?!”

. . … .

 

When did things change between us?
I was always your shadow; always following so desperately in your ever so confident footsteps.
I was the youngest, older sibling I knew… And yet, here we are.

 

…Let’s see you fill my shoes now.

 

/ / /

 
And he can barely see me…

I think I lost my halo.. I don’t know where you are, you’ll have to come and find me- (FIND ME!)


Music/title: Polarize; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

 

“We have problems.”

. . ….

 

Sometimes I lie to people-
Telling them it’s no big deal, that I don’t give a shit about her.
‘Why the fuck do you even care?!’ ..I tell myself.

You think I called you cause I miss you… I was merely filling the insatiable void.

. . .

 

One of these days I won’t be able to hide anymore.
..And then where will we be?

 

And now that it’s gone, it’s like it wasn’t there at all…

04.18.12 -1
Music/title: Title and registration; Death Cab for Cutie
_ _
 

She knew.  She didn’t know how, but when her mother’s door opened for the first time in days she just knew.  She heard her mother’s footsteps move into the basement, and it was then that she heard the gasoline dripping off what once was her mother and onto the floor.

 

..It was then she knew she had to escape.

 
60 words of non-fiction; May 2011
Photo taken April, almost exactly a year later.
________

 

I don’t know how to forget,
And I don’t know how to remember..

I can taste the failure on your lips; And I’ll save you from yourself… (Can we make it out alive?)


Music/title: The Sadness Will Never End; Bring Me the Horizon
_ _

 

“And you’re trapped in your past,
Like it’s six feet under.”

. .. …

 

Don’t you think I fucking know..?
You think I haven’t tried to forgive and forget?

Go on- You tell me how to “fix it.”
You give me a quick and easy solution, step by step instructions now..
And I’ll fucking do it.
 

But don’t you tell me she can’t help it-
Don’t proclaim “Everyone can be saved” and “She’s still human.”
And DON’T fucking feed me that bullshit about your God..
Where was he when she nearly burned herself alive?
And when she was attempting murder, where was your God then?
. .. …
 

Think I’m going to die if I keep harboring these feelings?  –So fucking be it!
Your God should fucking know I’ve tried to forgive that worthless, incompetent piece of shit.
Your “fix” isn’t going to save anyone…

 

And it sure as hell isn’t going to save me.

03.21.15 [26/52] Hello there, Dear Nicholas…. ( I’ve hated you since our first kiss )

03.21.15
Music/title: Bungalow; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“You’ll never understand, I just did it ‘cause I can…”

. .. ..

 

It was just so damn vivid..

[ Are you still going through with it? ]

 

 
….Of-fucking-course.

. . .


 

Sometimes I hear her voice-  Playing those same conversations over and over in my head.
Sometimes I imagine smashing her head into the floor- Purely beyond recognition..

 

[ Still think you’re going through with it? ]

 

/ / /

 
I’ve had a little bit too much of her..

She used the poison in his tea, and kissed him goodbye. ( So it is. So it’s always been. ) ..It’s no fun ’til someone dies.


Music/title: Vicarious; Tool
_ _
 

[ I dreamt of her again. ]

Isn’t it always this way?  [ No.  It was different this time. ]
She was sane?  [ No, not quite. ]  Oh, but that room… You were in her room again, weren’t you?

[ Yes. ]

It felt more real, didn’t it?

[ Yes.  I could feel her beside me.
I could feel my disappointment with every word she didn’t hear me say.
. ]

You still feel trapped in that room, don’t you?

[ Yes.. I feel I’ll never fully escape. ]

/ / /
 

Ten years later.  And here I am..
Still sixteen, having one sided arguments with my essentially dead mother.

. .. .. .

When will it finally be enough?
Your actual death?  Is that what I’m waiting for? ..Do you think then I’ll feel at peace?
Do you think then I’ll stop fucking dreaming about your insanity?

Do you think then I’ll stop envisioning my fists pounding relentlessly into your fucking flesh?!

. .. .. .
 

I don’t think there’s anything normal about this anymore.