Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here…

04.27.14 -4

Music/title: Hayling; FC/Kahuna
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They stuck the needle in my mouth, and it was like every dream I’d ever had…

The fear of my own teeth consumed me.  It barely hurt, but I could feel myself silently screaming.  My own phobia was now a living part of me.  But I didn’t say a word.  I barely winced, because it was something that had to be done.  There wasn’t a choice in anything here..
 

Seven hours later I’m in my car crying.  Half numb from the medication, half from fear of my own mouth.  I couldn’t get the images out of my head… These irrational mental pictures of how terrifying it all felt, and the vivid pictures of everything they’d done flashing back and forth- My mind stuck in this endless loop.
A part of me hated my mother in that moment.
 

I wouldn’t need this if you hadn’t been so fucked..

 
Now, my fear moving to anger and hatred.. Now I felt the urge to yell at her again- To beat the ever living out of her..  I try to tell myself that it wouldn’t have mattered, that I was always scared of this, even when she was ‘normal’.. You were stubborn, Bettina.  You never would have gone anyway..
But it’s useless..  It’s all still useless.
 

 
I’m trapped in this box for weeks..