I found the cure to growing older..

01-21-17-6
Music/title: I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy; Fall Out Boy
_ _

 

“You can’t cover it up.”

. …. ..

 

Is it normal to feel this much disappointment?
I mean, I know it’s fairly common, but this is borderline suffocating….

I keep thinking I can hold out. I can make it work!
..Only to be let down once again.

I hate them. ALL of them.
I hope the fucking cunts burn in their sleep.

 

Maybe I’m just jealous.
Jealous that I am not them.
Jealous that I didn’t stay where I belonged….

::sighs::

 

…Can I stop being an adult now?

/ / /

 
It’s so, so fitting…

And are you happy with what you’ve become…. (Can you tell me loudly?)

05.17.18
Music/title: For The Silent; Say Anything
_ _

 

“It’s not much better than death,
Giving up on everything.”

. .. … .

 

I keep thinking I’ll get lucky.
That just the right person must be out there, somewhere…
I am hopeful.  I am nostalgic.  (I am lonely.)

And it consumes me.

 

Why should I care?
Why should I need them to ‘complete’ myself?
[ Because you’re weak. ]

Faith in humanity… To think that people call this a strength….
It’s a fucking hindrance to my sanity.

. … …

 

Maybe he made me this way,
Maybe this is how I’ve always been..

 

…Does the road traveled really change this outcome?

You know it makes my heart beat… … .. (Are you ready for it?)

02.13.16 -1
Music/title: Happy Up Here (Boys Noize Remix); Röyksopp
_ _

 

“My favorite record is playing again..”

. . . .. .

 

Sometimes I think of you.
I think of how it was, and how it could’ve been..
( …Wondering if you still visit? )

I often find myself wishing circumstances were different,
But we both know that can never be.

 

….Here’s to hoping hatred outlasts everything else.

 

/ / /

 
You know I really like it.

If I can pretend, I don’t depend… (I can deny, deny denial)

10.19.15 -000
Music/title: Invisible Monsters; Motion City Soundtrack
_ _

 

“Yet when push comes to shove and all the above,
I decide to live the lie.”

. . .. . …. .

 

I’d like to say I have it all figure out,
But you know better than anyone that’s not true.

. . .

 

Why am I here… Why are any of us?
Everyone thinks they have the answers….
But what makes me so comfortable admitting that I don’t?

I used to watch the world around me.
I watched everyone live encompassed in their safe, warm little bubbles of life.
I watched them stuck in their day-in-day-out routine,
When, in reality, I felt I was one of the few people truly living…

What made me so different?
Because I knew how harsh and cruel the world could actually be?
[ …Does my strength make you weak? ]

 

I lost a friend because I felt them inferior.
I lost a friend because I loved them enough to tell them the truth.
I lost a friend because that truth brought them fear…

 

 

Maybe this is how it always ends.
Maybe this is how it will always be.
But, again….

 

…..What makes me so comfortable admitting that?

 

08.22.15 [48/52] Do you recall, not long ago- We would walk on the sidewalk… (Innocent, remember?)

08.22.15Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

“We would only hold on to let go.”

. .. . …

 

[ Was it comfortable?
…Did you revel in the slight attempt of self destruction? ]

 . . .

I wonder- Am I merely a fake?
Like everyone else- Only after my own gratification?
I used to watch you pass by; judging so harshly the perfect sphere you found yourself within..

 

Hurting others for my own self fulfillment.
…How much better could I truly be?
 

/ / /

 
Blow a kiss, fire a gun…

07.18.15 [43/52] And covered in skin- We are, we are the same things (We touch in the dark rooms) ..But I wont tell you what I am hiding up my sleeve.

07.18.15
Music/title: Handsome Girl; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
_ _

 

“One thing I do know.. That he loves you-
Probably more than anyone else ever will.”

.. … ..

 

The closer we get, the harder my lungs collapse.
I feel like I don’t how to do this; like I am blindly throwing myself forward..
..Yet all I can think of is your smile. 

Your big, loving eyes staring down at me.  I see my entire body fold in on itself with every breath, and I see your face.. I see how wonderfully happy I’ve made you.  I see all those years of waiting; all the years of standing by through friendship… Hoping each day I might be ready for it.

A whole year and a half- those words…

 

 

And it’s then I realize you’re all I’ve ever wanted from anything.

 

/ / /

 
And I have chosen to choose you..

03.14.15 [25/52] Take your time, and I won’t ask why… (You don’t have to be anyone)


Music/title: Fog; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“This is what I imagine the exact opposite of dying to feel like.”

 

. . ….

 

[ I fucking love this.  Is this what you feel all the time?? ]

“No, but it is a good feeling.”

[ I almost didn’t go there.  I was so nervous.. I thought of every excuse as to why I couldn’t.  When, in reality, I was simply scared-  Scared to step outside my comfort zone.  Scared to put myself out there… To face disappointment. ]

 

“My policy is-
Punch your comfort zone in the face.”

 

/ / /

 
“You’re now stuck with that feeling forever..”