I can taste it on my tongue, but I couldn’t keep it all in my grasp… (How can I hope to ever find you now?)

01-02-17
Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“I can’t look away,
but I don’t wanna meet your eyes.”

.. . . …. .

 

Do you see me making an effort?
I’m trying, really. I truly am.
But it’s hard. My thoughts are pressing against all the happiness I feel.
Why am I so sad lately?
…Not depressed sadness, but a feeling of longing. An overwhelming, consistent wave of emotions.
Is this my body trying to tell me it’s time? Have I waited too long?

.

Your skin is never close enough to mine. ..why am I this unsettled?
You are there.
Everyday, you are there for me. …Yet,
I still don’t know what I need.

I think this is all part of my sickness.
The reason I was ever so afraid to love you-

 
So afraid of the possible effects,
that I’m caught in the endless cycle of hurting myself….

 

…How can I hope to be where you are?

/ / /

 
And I’m holding out my hand to you…

And I’m angry at the waves from far below…. (Can they see that I am trying?)

02-27-16-5Music/title: Below; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“I am like them,
reaching for anything else.”

. ….. ..

 

Such a feeble, simple minded piece of human garbage- I truly loathe every fiber of you.
The same could be said for most, I s’pose….
But really- Is it so goddamn hard?!

You truly do create quite the unique hell…

 

 
And I can’t wait for the day it finally burns you up for good.

We try to fill our heads with blank tapes, and we tape over everything….

02-27-16-7
Music/title: Blank Tapes; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“And now it feels okay.”

… .. .

 

Breathe.
Rinse.
Repeat.

.

 

Do you remember?

 
The world once stopped for us.
And I held it firmly in my hands. So invincible.
Nothing could change what you’d built….
…But I’m changing, aren’t I?

And the world doesn’t feel like it used to.
And I’m trying to breathe-
I’m trying to make myself fit in this world around me,
But everything is so unfamiliar…
And you breathe like you’ve always been here- Always so content;
Inventing the air that surrounds you…..


But do you remember,

 

..How to stop the world for us again?

 

And you’ll never know anyone now….

10.19.15 -1

Music/title: Fog; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“But if you get up now, you can try to survive.”

. . .. …

 

I would’ve given you anything in that moment-
Whatever you named, it was yours…

Holding your head in my lap, as I did a year ago…
I felt your tears streaming onto my skin-
My heart aching to watch you desperately cling to the boy inside.

 

You’re never really old enough to deal with these things.
….And I’m sorry you have to.

 

/ / /

 
I’ve been trying to figure it out my whole life…

07.11.15 [42/52] But life is so much more with the touch of someone’s skin to mine… (I swear I’ll try, I swear I’ll try!)

07.11.15
Music/title: We Are Invincible; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“But I’m still so terrified…”

. .. . . ..

 

[ I feel guilty when I do. ]

“Why?”

 

[ Because I feel like it’s cheating. ]

“You could without it, you know… You just have to relax.”

 

[ …But I can’t. ]

. .. .. .

 

Don’t you think I try?
Don’t you think I want to?

I wonder if you’d feel the same if I asked every time.
Then again…

 

 
…Isn’t it always the pleasurable things that end up hurting the most?

 

07.04.15 [41/52] But the devil is inside me, and he is whispering in my ear, “Everyone in the world would like you dead…”

06.28.15
Music/title: Our Father Is Missing; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“…My God what have we become?!”

. . … .

 

When did things change between us?
I was always your shadow; always following so desperately in your ever so confident footsteps.
I was the youngest, older sibling I knew… And yet, here we are.

 

…Let’s see you fill my shoes now.

 

/ / /

 
And he can barely see me…

06.13.15 [38/52] And if my God allows for me to speak again, I only hope I am wiser… (I’ll say nothing at all)

06.14.15
Music/title: My Mouth, My Lips; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“But I can hear all the words spilling over my lips,
And I can taste every lie..”

. .. ….

 

You think you’re okay with it, until everything starts..
And then you’re knee deep in this- This life you’ve made for yourself.
The life you’ve so perfectly crafted out of absolutely nothing- Your own personal utopia..

 
Better than anything, and still never enough.

/ / /

 
Maybe one day it will be..