Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
“I can’t look away,
but I don’t wanna meet your eyes.”
.. . . …. .
Do you see me making an effort?
I’m trying, really. I truly am.
But it’s hard. My thoughts are pressing against all the happiness I feel.
Why am I so sad lately?
…Not depressed sadness, but a feeling of longing. An overwhelming, consistent wave of emotions.
Is this my body trying to tell me it’s time? Have I waited too long?
Your skin is never close enough to mine. ..why am I this unsettled?
You are there.
Everyday, you are there for me. …Yet,
I still don’t know what I need.
I think this is all part of my sickness.
The reason I was ever so afraid to love you-
So afraid of the possible effects,
that I’m caught in the endless cycle of hurting myself….
…How can I hope to be where you are?
/ / /
And I’m holding out my hand to you…
Music/title: Below; From Indian Lakes
“I am like them,
reaching for anything else.”
. ….. ..
Such a feeble, simple minded piece of human garbage- I truly loathe every fiber of you.
The same could be said for most, I s’pose….
But really- Is it so goddamn hard?!
You truly do create quite the unique hell…
And I can’t wait for the day it finally burns you up for good.
Music/title: Blank Tapes; From Indian Lakes
“And now it feels okay.”
… .. .
…Do you remember?
The world once stopped for us.
And I held it firmly in my hands. So invincible.
Nothing could change what you’d built….
…But I’m changing, aren’t I?
And the world doesn’t feel like it used to.
And I’m trying to breathe-
I’m trying to make myself fit in this world around me,
But everything is so unfamiliar…
And you breathe like you’ve always been here- Always so content;
Inventing the air that surrounds you…..
But do you remember,
..How to stop the world for us again?
Music/title: Stay Outside; From Indian Lakes
.. . .. …
I suppose I should say a few words to mark the occasion…..
…But all I feel is a sense of dread.
Music/title: Fog; From Indian Lakes
“But if you get up now, you can try to survive.”
. . .. …
I would’ve given you anything in that moment-
Whatever you named, it was yours…
Holding your head in my lap, as I did a year ago…
I felt your tears streaming onto my skin-
My heart aching to watch you desperately cling to the boy inside.
You’re never really old enough to deal with these things.
….And I’m sorry you have to.
/ / /
I’ve been trying to figure it out my whole life…
Music/title: We Follow; From Indian Lakes
“At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.”
~Chuck Palahniuk; Fight Club
. . .. .
Is this what we’re to become?
[ ..Is this what you really deserve? ]
/ / /
I think I’ve heard that before..
Music/title: We Are Invincible; From Indian Lakes
“But I’m still so terrified…”
. .. . . ..
[ I feel guilty when I do. ]
[ Because I feel like it’s cheating. ]
“You could without it, you know… You just have to relax.”
[ …But I can’t. ]
. .. .. .
Don’t you think I try?
Don’t you think I want to?
I wonder if you’d feel the same if I asked every time.
…Isn’t it always the pleasurable things that end up hurting the most?
Music/title: Our Father Is Missing; From Indian Lakes
“…My God what have we become?!”
. . … .
When did things change between us?
I was always your shadow; always following so desperately in your ever so confident footsteps.
I was the youngest, older sibling I knew… And yet, here we are.
…Let’s see you fill my shoes now.
/ / /
And he can barely see me…
Music/title: My Mouth, My Lips; From Indian Lakes
“But I can hear all the words spilling over my lips,
And I can taste every lie..”
. .. ….
You think you’re okay with it, until everything starts..
And then you’re knee deep in this- This life you’ve made for yourself.
The life you’ve so perfectly crafted out of absolutely nothing- Your own personal utopia..
Better than anything, and still never enough.
/ / /
Maybe one day it will be..
Music/title: Sleeping Limbs; From Indian Lakes
“So can I ask you to leave me alone?”
. … .
I thought it was an accident- Must’ve been ..A misspoken choice of words.
But the more I thought about it, maybe it’s true?
Maybe that’s why I keep coming back….
So here I am.
And here is where I always find myself.
…Where are you?