These memories are nothing to me, just salt in the wound…

Music/title: Salt; Bad Suns
_ _


“And I don’t believe in the truth, truth.”

. . . .. . . … . .


I shouldn’t have cried.
I shouldn’t have given you hope.
I should’ve spoken every bitter word I swallowed.
But I listened.


Because that’s what you do, right?
That’s what’s polite?

[ I was merely being polite. ]

It didn’t affect me.
[ I didn’t wish to believe. ]

___ ___


What do you do when the darkest parts of you are shaken?


…You hope to hell that you’re right.

I’m sick of words that hang above my head- What about the kid? (It’s time the kid got FREE)

Music/title: Sleepless Club (WEKEED Boot); Lorde vs Flume
_ _


Take the pill, make it too real.
The other day I forgot my old address. I’m sitting pretty on the throne.
There’s nothing more I want, except to be alone..

. . ….. … ..


“There was no real sense of life,
because she had nothing to contrast it with.
The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly.
The farther you run, the more God wants you back.

Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club


/ / /


It’s a day for words and curves.
Where do you see yourself at the end of your life?

Comment for me.


I can taste the failure on your lips; And I’ll save you from yourself… (Can we make it out alive?)

Music/title: The Sadness Will Never End; Bring Me the Horizon
_ _


“And you’re trapped in your past,
Like it’s six feet under.”

. .. …


Don’t you think I fucking know..?
You think I haven’t tried to forgive and forget?

Go on- You tell me how to “fix it.”
You give me a quick and easy solution, step by step instructions now..
And I’ll fucking do it.

But don’t you tell me she can’t help it-
Don’t proclaim “Everyone can be saved” and “She’s still human.”
And DON’T fucking feed me that bullshit about your God..
Where was he when she nearly burned herself alive?
And when she was attempting murder, where was your God then?
. .. …

Think I’m going to die if I keep harboring these feelings?  –So fucking be it!
Your God should fucking know I’ve tried to forgive that worthless, incompetent piece of shit.
Your “fix” isn’t going to save anyone…


And it sure as hell isn’t going to save me.

02.28.15 [23/52] Pick me up, dust me off, give me breath and let me cough…

Music/title: Tongues; Joywave
_ _


“Sometimes, I think, they’re all just speaking tongues.”

. .. ..


Every breath I take is a direct result of the past decisions I’ve made.
Every single thing is a direct result of the decisions I’ve made…

I get caught in this infinite loop sometimes…
[ What if I’d never gotten the job, or the one that followed? ]
[ What if I’d realized that girl at work was hitting on me, and ended up with her instead?  ]
[ What if I’d never left at all? ]


It’s this endless, endless cycle..
One in which I’ll drown myself until I can’t tell if it’s spinning or standing still.

. . .. . ..


I find it horribly amusing that I have no qualms in my lack of belief in a god,
But this… This is what really gets me.


/ / /

Drag me back, collect my thoughts…

02.07.15 [20/52] And your wrist got bruised, and you wanted better love… Well, it’s sleeping in your bedroom.

Music/title: Walking The Dog; Fun.
_ _


“I’ve met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging
on the wall behind him, and God asks me, “Why?”  Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn’t I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can’t I see how we’re all manifestations of love?

I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God’s got this all wrong.
We are not special.  We are not crap or trash, either.  We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, “No, that’s not right.”

Yeah.  Well.  Whatever.  You can’t teach God anything.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club


/ / /

Hold on, stay on my side, don’t go…

01.10.15 [16/52] And the circling is worth it; finding beauty in the dissonance…

Music/title: Schism; Tool
_ _


“I know the pieces fit.”

. .. . .


I think a person shouldn’t make me want to believe in a God; To believe in an afterlife..
But here we are..  Here I am.

I tell him I want to die first.  That I’m too scared of being alone.
I tell him I would be immortal with him- Immortal in a world where all I used to crave was death.
I tell him if he dies tomorrow, I would never love another the way I love him.
I tell him I am no longer complete without him.

But I do not believe in a God.
I do not believe in an afterlife. Or a ‘happy ever after’ past this mere mortality.
But in my mind we will live forever- Him and I, endlessly intertwined…

. .. . ..


Perhaps forever is a word we really can’t understand.


It is, what it is, what it is… ( I’m sinking, come save me )


Music/title: Poor Eliza; Chris Bathgate
_ _

It doesn’t feel real.

Nothing right now feels real.
I look at my life, at my job and the success I’ve achieved, and I don’t know how I got here. I look back at my childhood.. That poor, lonely girl who cried herself to sleep after locking herself in her room at night. Scared to death of the mother she was supposed to love..

I look at her, and I remember her silent prayers to a deafening God for anything other than what she’d been given. Simply to have another human being acknowledge her, to touch her… Surely it would fix everything. No matter the monsters under her bed, or in her house.. If only there was someone else to share her pain with, nothing else would matter. Nothing else would hurt after that..
Surely it wouldn’t.

But then the monsters she’d grown up with had gone, and she was left with herself.
She was alone, still. And she couldn’t understand why. Nor, no matter how hard she tried, could she seem to change any of it. She was still alone, locking herself in her room, and crying herself to sleep at night. Only there was no deaf God to pray to this time.. Just a handful of regrets, and the bittersweet taste of her own self destruction.

.. . ..

You’re comfortable here.
This is where you belong. Below everything and everyone.
You deserve nothing….

.. .. . . . ..

And yet, here I am.
I am happy. I am alive and breathing.
Despite everything, I am.

It still doesn’t feel real sometimes…

/ / /

Sometimes I touch you, remembering my past, and I cling to you.
I cling to you as though you’re going to vanish,
and, once again, I’ll be trapped in that house. In my room.
Sitting on that lonely bed with the monsters,
and no one to touch.

You always know to hold me tighter.
You make everything real.