Music/title: Angela; The Lumineers
“Let the exits pass, all the tar and glass-
‘Til the road and sky align.”
. . .
I just need to catch my breath,
then everything will be okay, right?
The dark parts of my brain are seeping through.
[ But you did it- you’re FREE. ]
Is that so?
I claim the void is supposed to be empty,
So why can’t I stop trying to fill it?
Music/title: Moonlight; Grace Vanderwaal
“These will be a life long stories.”
. . …
Four days and counting.
If you could see me now..
My life- In boxes again.
But this time I am making a home for myself.
I am creating everything that you took from me.
I am in control.
And you won’t ever take it from me again.
Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
“The nights are long,
Longing for you to come home…”
. . ..
How am I supposed to do this?
How am I supposed to give up my time with you for them?
I was so ready not long ago,
And now I’m doubting every urge within myself.
Something tells me I will just know when it’s right, but what if I’m too late?
What if my mind is ready, but my body has far past its limitations?
I fucking hate this.
I hate the urges. I hate the pressure. I don’t even fucking WANT them.
YOU are the only reason I want any of this…
Am I so wrong to be terrified that they will take you away?
Then who would I be?
Surely not the person that created this ‘love’…..
/ / /
All we need is somebody to lean on..
Music/title: Favorite Song (feat. Childish Gambino); Chance The Rapper
Fuck just settling…
You think you’re going to get there by accepting the passable?
I say, fuck regret! Fuck conforming to these prepackaged lives we’re dealt-
And screw the ever living out of the hand you’ve been thrown!
You weren’t given the lifestyle you want?
…Go out and fucking get it.
Music/title: Title and registration; Death Cab for Cutie
She knew. She didn’t know how, but when her mother’s door opened for the first time in days she just knew. She heard her mother’s footsteps move into the basement, and it was then that she heard the gasoline dripping off what once was her mother and onto the floor.
..It was then she knew she had to escape.
60 words of non-fiction; May 2011
Photo taken April, almost exactly a year later.
I don’t know how to forget,
And I don’t know how to remember..
Music/title: The Sadness Will Never End; Bring Me the Horizon
“And you’re trapped in your past,
Like it’s six feet under.”
. .. …
Don’t you think I fucking know..?
You think I haven’t tried to forgive and forget?
Go on- You tell me how to “fix it.”
You give me a quick and easy solution, step by step instructions now..
And I’ll fucking do it.
But don’t you tell me she can’t help it-
Don’t proclaim “Everyone can be saved” and “She’s still human.”
And DON’T fucking feed me that bullshit about your God..
Where was he when she nearly burned herself alive?
And when she was attempting murder, where was your God then?
. .. …
Think I’m going to die if I keep harboring these feelings? –So fucking be it!
Your God should fucking know I’ve tried to forgive that worthless, incompetent piece of shit.
Your “fix” isn’t going to save anyone…
And it sure as hell isn’t going to save me.
Music/title: Fog; From Indian Lakes
“This is what I imagine the exact opposite of dying to feel like.”
. . ….
[ I fucking love this. Is this what you feel all the time?? ]
“No, but it is a good feeling.”
[ I almost didn’t go there. I was so nervous.. I thought of every excuse as to why I couldn’t. When, in reality, I was simply scared- Scared to step outside my comfort zone. Scared to put myself out there… To face disappointment. ]
“My policy is-
Punch your comfort zone in the face.”
/ / /
“You’re now stuck with that feeling forever..”
Music/title: Wounded Healer (Live! from the Troubadour); Watsky
It’s never enough for me.. To feel wanted has become such an addiction,
I don’t think I even realize when I’m giving in to it lately. It’s usually not a problem.
Unless.. ..Well, unless I really care about the person. And said person falls in love with me.
And I love someone else, who they then have to hear about every time they see me.
..swallowing their love for me like a fucking brick.
“I don’t know. In a way I like being all the love with you, even when it hurts.
But I have decided that we can only be friends. I know that has always been known,
but I live in a fantasy world you see. ..and have these weird delusions of things that I think could be.
So I am going to get over myself tonight.”
He’s been playing it off as though it’s nothing so well for so long..
This hurts. I’m hurting him, and it’s hurting me..
“You can’t love everyone, Bettina.
..and everyone can’t love you..”
Music/title: E.T. Feels Starry Eyed (Club Mix); Kap Slap
I can see it all in his face. The hurt. The want. All of his emotions right there in front of me, laid out on this tiny platter. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t feel bad, but I do. I feel guilty in some way, but, more, I just know exactly how he’s feeling, and that part is what really gets me.
He’ll be fine. As long as I continue on being the same friend as I have been, he’ll be fine.
::nods to self::
/ / /
This was more appropriate than any photo I could’ve taken with my camera.
Music/title: Soldier; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
I just can’t wrap my brain around this. I’m fighting with myself in my head again. That’s what I get for too much free time added to my life. I go over and over everything. Analyzing it. Toying with one idea after another. Why do I do this, and why I do that. Oh, it’s all because of “X.”
Why must I always feel like every action needs to be accepted? And when is it enough? A single person’s acceptance surely isn’t enough to make me content.
I am happy. I like myself right now. Really, I do. ..but goddammit if I don’t want to spend every waking moment submerged in submission. No fear of being rejected. Always knowing when I’ve done something right or wrong.
I need a break. I need a very, very long break from the real world.