Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
“The nights are long,
Longing for you to come home…”
. . ..
How am I supposed to do this?
How am I supposed to give up my time with you for them?
I was so ready not long ago,
And now I’m doubting every urge within myself.
Something tells me I will just know when it’s right, but what if I’m too late?
What if my mind is ready, but my body has far past its limitations?
I fucking hate this.
I hate the urges. I hate the pressure. I don’t even fucking WANT them.
YOU are the only reason I want any of this…
Am I so wrong to be terrified that they will take you away?
Then who would I be?
Surely not the person that created this ‘love’…..
/ / /
All we need is somebody to lean on..
Music/title: Favorite Song (feat. Childish Gambino); Chance The Rapper
Fuck just settling…
You think you’re going to get there by accepting the passable?
I say, fuck regret! Fuck conforming to these prepackaged lives we’re dealt-
And screw the ever living out of the hand you’ve been thrown!
You weren’t given the lifestyle you want?
…Go out and fucking get it.
Music/title: Title and registration; Death Cab for Cutie
She knew. She didn’t know how, but when her mother’s door opened for the first time in days she just knew. She heard her mother’s footsteps move into the basement, and it was then that she heard the gasoline dripping off what once was her mother and onto the floor.
..It was then she knew she had to escape.
60 words of non-fiction; May 2011
Photo taken April, almost exactly a year later.
I don’t know how to forget,
And I don’t know how to remember..
Music/title: The Sadness Will Never End; Bring Me the Horizon
“And you’re trapped in your past,
Like it’s six feet under.”
. .. …
Don’t you think I fucking know..?
You think I haven’t tried to forgive and forget?
Go on- You tell me how to “fix it.”
You give me a quick and easy solution, step by step instructions now..
And I’ll fucking do it.
But don’t you tell me she can’t help it-
Don’t proclaim “Everyone can be saved” and “She’s still human.”
And DON’T fucking feed me that bullshit about your God..
Where was he when she nearly burned herself alive?
And when she was attempting murder, where was your God then?
. .. …
Think I’m going to die if I keep harboring these feelings? –So fucking be it!
Your God should fucking know I’ve tried to forgive that worthless, incompetent piece of shit.
Your “fix” isn’t going to save anyone…
And it sure as hell isn’t going to save me.
Music/title: Fog; From Indian Lakes
“This is what I imagine the exact opposite of dying to feel like.”
. . ….
[ I fucking love this. Is this what you feel all the time?? ]
“No, but it is a good feeling.”
[ I almost didn’t go there. I was so nervous.. I thought of every excuse as to why I couldn’t. When, in reality, I was simply scared- Scared to step outside my comfort zone. Scared to put myself out there… To face disappointment. ]
“My policy is-
Punch your comfort zone in the face.”
/ / /
“You’re now stuck with that feeling forever..”
Music/title: Wounded Healer (Live! from the Troubadour); Watsky
It’s never enough for me.. To feel wanted has become such an addiction,
I don’t think I even realize when I’m giving in to it lately. It’s usually not a problem.
Unless.. ..Well, unless I really care about the person. And said person falls in love with me.
And I love someone else, who they then have to hear about every time they see me.
..swallowing their love for me like a fucking brick.
“I don’t know. In a way I like being all the love with you, even when it hurts.
But I have decided that we can only be friends. I know that has always been known,
but I live in a fantasy world you see. ..and have these weird delusions of things that I think could be.
So I am going to get over myself tonight.”
He’s been playing it off as though it’s nothing so well for so long..
This hurts. I’m hurting him, and it’s hurting me..
“You can’t love everyone, Bettina.
..and everyone can’t love you..”
Music/title: E.T. Feels Starry Eyed (Club Mix); Kap Slap
I can see it all in his face. The hurt. The want. All of his emotions right there in front of me, laid out on this tiny platter. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t feel bad, but I do. I feel guilty in some way, but, more, I just know exactly how he’s feeling, and that part is what really gets me.
He’ll be fine. As long as I continue on being the same friend as I have been, he’ll be fine.
::nods to self::
/ / /
This was more appropriate than any photo I could’ve taken with my camera.
Music/title: Soldier; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
I just can’t wrap my brain around this. I’m fighting with myself in my head again. That’s what I get for too much free time added to my life. I go over and over everything. Analyzing it. Toying with one idea after another. Why do I do this, and why I do that. Oh, it’s all because of “X.”
Why must I always feel like every action needs to be accepted? And when is it enough? A single person’s acceptance surely isn’t enough to make me content.
I am happy. I like myself right now. Really, I do. ..but goddammit if I don’t want to spend every waking moment submerged in submission. No fear of being rejected. Always knowing when I’ve done something right or wrong.
I need a break. I need a very, very long break from the real world.
Music/title: Dramophone; Caravan Palace
I’ve been doing nothing but listening to Caravan Palace and thinking all day. About anything and everything that’s been on my mind lately. I think I’m going to tell Jenny I love her. I’m not in love with her, but I definitely love her. She’s officially “my person” as of today. I put it into words and everything, even though I’m sure we’ve both known for months now. ::smiles:: She says I’m mostly adorable, and that what’s not adorable is made up of cute. I miss her. She’ll be at the world steam expo all this weekend. I can feel withdrawals coming on already.
The idea of my mother has been bothering me recently. Or at least she’s been on my mind, which is just bothersome in and of itself. I think of her, and I get angry, and after a certain period of time thinking about this I just get the urge to hurt. To be hurt. Like I deserve it. It frustrates me that she’s still making me feel this way despite our complete lack of contact. The fact that she’s alive just eats away at me.
Ross says it’ll probably be something that I’ll spend most of my life getting over. And then, someday, something will happen. Or something will be said by someone. It could be the tiniest of things, but that that’ll be it. Suddenly I just …won’t care anymore.
I’d love not to care about her. And we’re back to Shortbus:
“It’s hard not to feel anything in your life.”
Music/title: Currents Convulsive; Pierce The Veil
“Please understand me when I’d rather see you dead
Than live without me, so thirsty for more.”
I should’ve known. A small part of me fell out of love with him when he told me it never occurred to him that I’d want help moving away from my family. I should’ve pushed him to grow up then. I should’ve confronted the doubts I was having. But I loved him. I fucking loved him so much that I was choosing to look past his flaws, serious flaws, so that I could be with him. So things would work between us. I needed things to work between us because I fucking loved him, and couldn’t handle the idea of having to stop.
Well, congratulations, Bettina. Here you are. Your heart split wide open and bleeding in your hands as we speak. Was it worth it? Do you feel like an adult now that you’ve experienced this? It’s what you want, right? To hurt?
You haven’t hurt nearly enough, girl.
/ / /
Currents Convulsive is the song of my every emotion,
and this the darkness inching closer and closer to me.