01.27.18 [4/52] ‘Cause we could hold our sights so close, or we could chase our heroes… (And I’ve been here before)


Music/title: Caviar Dreams; Al Bairre (Feat. PHFat)
_ _

 

“Lead me through your harmony;
We’ll sew this so your soul can breathe…”

.. .. .

 

It surely is a dream.
Nothing could feel this good.

.

For the first time in my life it doesn’t hurt.
I’m not inflamed.
It doesn’t itch. Or feel dry.
My skin isn’t covered in sores and blisters from my moments of weakness.
For the first time in my life I feel human.

To think, an eleven year old changed my life.
..What were you doing at eleven?

If you’d told me 15 years ago that I’d have this level of peace with my disease,
I’d say you were fucking nuts.

 

I wish I could meet Lani Lazzari,
If only to fully explain the life-changing-impact her invention has had on me.

Finally..

My skin can feel like home.

/ / /

 
You’d been wading in the deep, dancing through your downfall…

And if I fall, I’ll take it all…. It’s so easy after all.

06.22.13 -1
Music/title: Some Say; Sum 41
_ _
 

“People are evil, disgusting little things. 
It’s no different than watching animals in a zoo. 
Human life and animal life..
It’s all fucked up.”

. . .. . .. ..

 

I wish I could start this over.
I would take back the hours of screaming and the crying. 
Go back to where I was, take a deep breath, and really see what I’m looking at.
But here we are, and there you are….
 

I suppose this is what we get.
 

A girl with a bird she found in the snow, then flew up her gown and that’s how she knows..

06.22.13
 
Music/title: Boy With A Coin; Iron & Wine
_ _
 
 
I feel like I know more of what I want each day,
and it isn’t what everyone else seems to be telling me.
I feel like I need to trust my feelings on this, but I’m scared to.
Things are already so fucked.. I’m okay if they get a little more so.
 
There was a point last year that I was never happier.
And I know exactly why.
And I know exactly why I’m unhappy now.
And it just keeps being proved more so every week.
 
. .. . …
 
Think about this, Bettina.
Really think about it…
 
You’re doing all the wrong things.

I’m sorry you can’t see that.
 

04.15.12 [110] I like your starry eyes. They yell, “Surprise, surprise!” I’m in love, but not for long..

04.15.12
 
Music/title: Currents Convulsive; Pierce The Veil
_ _

“Please understand me when I’d rather see you dead
Than live without me, so thirsty for more.”

 
 
I should’ve known. A small part of me fell out of love with him when he told me it never occurred to him that I’d want help moving away from my family. I should’ve pushed him to grow up then. I should’ve confronted the doubts I was having. But I loved him. I fucking loved him so much that I was choosing to look past his flaws, serious flaws, so that I could be with him. So things would work between us. I needed things to work between us because I fucking loved him, and couldn’t handle the idea of having to stop.
 
Well, congratulations, Bettina. Here you are. Your heart split wide open and bleeding in your hands as we speak. Was it worth it? Do you feel like an adult now that you’ve experienced this? It’s what you want, right? To hurt?
 
 
You haven’t hurt nearly enough, girl.
 
/ / /
 
Currents Convulsive is the song of my every emotion,
and this the darkness inching closer and closer to me.