And I’ve fallen for you… (You’re nothing, you’re nothing)

03.12.16 -0
Music/title: Let’s Fall In Love Some More; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“…You’re nothing like me.”

. . … .

 

You are right.
You were there with me through a lot of fucked up shit- But we are separate people.
With separate interests.
And despite how much you love me,
I don’t think you really like me as a person.

You don’t like any of the people I am friends with.
Or the people I date.
Or the choices I make in life-
What is left but the bond from being held hostage together?

I stopped talking to you years ago.
You are the one that wanted to start this again, if you remember.
 

So maybe it’s better this way after all…

 

/ / /

 
Forever, and not at all..

You know it makes my heart beat… … .. (Are you ready for it?)

02.13.16 -1
Music/title: Happy Up Here (Boys Noize Remix); Röyksopp
_ _

 

“My favorite record is playing again..”

. . . .. .

 

Sometimes I think of you.
I think of how it was, and how it could’ve been..
( …Wondering if you still visit? )

I often find myself wishing circumstances were different,
But we both know that can never be.

 

….Here’s to hoping hatred outlasts everything else.

 

/ / /

 
You know I really like it.

And she runs, and she waits… ( And I wait )

01.23.16 -1
Music/title: Tyler; The Toadies
_ _

 

“I will be with her tonight!”

. .. . ..

 

I thought I was so, so sure of it all..
Is it actually necessary to go through every single desire?
…Will this achieve my sense of self-fulfillment?

I’d like to think not….

. .. . ..

 
“I gave up that life for her.”

Maybe this is what he meant.
I thought finding someone to embrace that life was all that mattered…
And then I thought differently.   I thought I was wrong.

 

….I fucking hope I haven’t been right from the start.

 

/ / /

 
I hear the fear in her voice…

And forgive me love for wanting you… (Oh you, oh you…..)

002
Music/title: All Choked Up; Say Anything
_ _

 

“Oh can you see me now?”

. .. ….

 

I felt the anger, the frustration all bubbling up inside me.
But there you lay- So small…  So caught up in fighting your inner demons.
I felt it all melting.  Felt the tiny strings of my heart pulling tight with each thought….
Fucking worthless- Piece of insignificant shit.  …How could you?! 

I closed my eyes, pressing my head against yours..
My hands clutched at the base of your neck.
I let my lips find you.
I felt your apathy.  Your hatred.  And I felt every demon.
…I kissed you again.  And again… I felt your seclusion falling away,
And I felt you kiss me back…

 

Is this what it means?
To so strongly love that you cease your own emotions… 

 

I can run, I can change all the answers… (Or what I hope they’d be)

11.21.15 -0
Music/title: Hope; We Came As Romans
_ _

 

“Don’t fade away…”

. .. . …

 

Isn’t it always this way?
Always on the wrong side of the glass- Looking in, never out…

I know you’re scared.
I know deep down that you’re fighting the inevitable.
And I wish I could give you my experiences; taking all the horrible things I’ve done-
Showing you it’s not so bad as all that.

 

Someday, love.
We will be free from this… From them..

 
One day.

 

If I can pretend, I don’t depend… (I can deny, deny denial)

10.19.15 -000
Music/title: Invisible Monsters; Motion City Soundtrack
_ _

 

“Yet when push comes to shove and all the above,
I decide to live the lie.”

. . .. . …. .

 

I’d like to say I have it all figure out,
But you know better than anyone that’s not true.

. . .

 

Why am I here… Why are any of us?
Everyone thinks they have the answers….
But what makes me so comfortable admitting that I don’t?

I used to watch the world around me.
I watched everyone live encompassed in their safe, warm little bubbles of life.
I watched them stuck in their day-in-day-out routine,
When, in reality, I felt I was one of the few people truly living…

What made me so different?
Because I knew how harsh and cruel the world could actually be?
[ …Does my strength make you weak? ]

 

I lost a friend because I felt them inferior.
I lost a friend because I loved them enough to tell them the truth.
I lost a friend because that truth brought them fear…

 

 

Maybe this is how it always ends.
Maybe this is how it will always be.
But, again….

 

…..What makes me so comfortable admitting that?

 

09.19.15 [52/52] My heart is my armor- She’s the tear in my heart, she’s a carver. She’s a butcher with a smile, cut me farther… (Than I’ve ever been)

09.19.15
Music/title: Tear In My Heart; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

Dear Arden,


You once told me that you wanted to make me happier
than anything else on this planet. 
You said that from the day we met,
you wanted me to be as happy with *myself* as you are with me.
And maybe that’s what I’ve actually been searching for…
Not someone to fill this persistent void I hold inside, but, instead..
Someone to encourage me in accepting it.

You are what drives me-
What pulls me to keep demanding more from life.

And you are the *only* reason I’ve ever been able to keep
in wanting my own happiness…

I love you, Arden.. More than anything else.
You don’t have to fight for me for anymore,
Because I’m here. And I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you,
My best friend.

 

::breathes deep::   …And here we go.

 
I’ll see you all in a month…  ;]

 

 

09.05.15 [50/52] For what have I been living for? …When will I find out the answer- (An answer that is only for you)

09.05.15
Music/title: Let Me Hear; Fear, and Loathing In Las Vegas
_ _

 

“Let me hear, Let me hear, Let me hear…”

.. . …
 

On some level I think you knew I wouldn’t come back.
 

So I found myself craving help more than my own self destruction.
And that- That’s when you really surprised me….

 

 

 

[ “…Could you feel me screaming out?” ]
 

08.29.15 [49/52] What will we do when we get old, will we walk down the same road? (…Will you be there, by my side?)

08.29.15
Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

“The nights are long,
Longing for you to come home…”

. . ..

 

How am I supposed to do this?
How am I supposed to give up my time with you for them?
I was so ready not long ago,
And now I’m doubting every urge within myself.

 

Something tells me I will just know when it’s right, but what if I’m too late?
What if my mind is ready, but my body has far past its limitations?

I fucking hate this.
I hate the urges.  I hate the pressure.  I don’t even fucking WANT them.
YOU are the only reason I want any of this…
Am I so wrong to be terrified that they will take you away?

 

 
Then who would I be?
Surely not the person that created this ‘love’…..
 

/ / /

 
All we need is somebody to lean on..

08.22.15 [48/52] Do you recall, not long ago- We would walk on the sidewalk… (Innocent, remember?)

08.22.15Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

“We would only hold on to let go.”

. .. . …

 

[ Was it comfortable?
…Did you revel in the slight attempt of self destruction? ]

 . . .

I wonder- Am I merely a fake?
Like everyone else- Only after my own gratification?
I used to watch you pass by; judging so harshly the perfect sphere you found yourself within..

 

Hurting others for my own self fulfillment.
…How much better could I truly be?
 

/ / /

 
Blow a kiss, fire a gun…