Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
“I’ll grow up and get sad.”
. …. .
If only I’d known…
I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.
All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.
What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?
[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.
Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love.. ]
Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..
If only they knew.
/ / /
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..
Music/title: Young Robot; Dance Gavin Dance
“Feeling like a savage,
You know I gotta have it.”
I thought I would enjoy firing her.
It was so justified, you know?
But here I am.
Drinking with Dance Gavin Dance.. Reminiscing in 2013.
What am I doing?
Two more months.
I can keep it together for two more months. ..Right?
/ / /
It’s been long time coming..
Music/title: Kill V. Maim; Grimes
“Oh, the fire, it’s alright.
The people touch it-
I can’t touch it, even though it’s mine.”
. .. …
I couldn’t think of a single trait of hers I carried within me.
Was I happy?
Would I really want to be like her?
I sure used to think so.
I haven’t thought of her in a while.
I haven’t needed to.
She could be dead with all the others as far as I know.
…Wouldn’t that be a treat.
Do you think most daughters wish their mothers dead today?
…Can you even stomach the concept?
/ / /
And I do what I can.
Music/title: My Friends Never Die; ODESZA
“Nothing is as good as you can imagine it.
No one is as beautiful as she is in your head.
Nothing is as exciting as your fantasy.”
~Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
. . .
I just don’t know about myself lately.
“We’ve taken the world apart,
but we have no idea what to do with the pieces.”
Music/title: Believer; Imagine Dragons
“Don’t you tell me what you think that I can be.”
… . .
and Again. and Again.
It’s what you want, right?
Your goals quickly coming to an end.
Who will you be now?
What will inflict the pain you so desire?
“You made me a,
You made me a believer.”
/ / /
Never ending shifting.
The changes are so frequent lately I can’t keep up.
But we’re happy if we’re not paying too close attention to the detail, right?
I do believe I am.
Music/title: Where Do We Go From Here?; Al Bairre
“Cause I saw the good and the bad in me,
But never which one I should be.”
. . .. ….. .
Is it real this time?
Am I finally reaching the surface?
A true home.
It all happened so fast- I was so against it, and then… It clicked; Everything fell into place. And now I can’t imagine anything else. My resolve deteriorates as we speak; My heart beating faster at the idea…
Do you know what this means to me?
No more boxes.
No more unsettled tendencies.
[ Does this mean I will finally feel complete? ]
There is no such thing as complete.
Don’t you see?
We are never done,
But.. We are fulfilled.
We are happy,
and happier upon losing the unhappiness.
Don’t you see..?
[ Da, We are to survive.
And this is just the beginning… ]
Music/title: We Are The Sound; Alexisonfire
“Say you want it, you need it.”
If only my heart could harden to match yours.
Perhaps you saw the coldness inside of me first-
Why do I feel such a compulsion to watch you at your best?
Perhaps I am still trying to outdo the darkness living inside..
Something to truly brings me to my knees.
Isn’t that all I ever want?
To be your slave?
Through their death.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
/ / /
There is nothing but anger burning inside of me..
Music/title: Sleepless Club (WEKEED Boot); Lorde vs Flume
Take the pill, make it too real.
The other day I forgot my old address. I’m sitting pretty on the throne.
There’s nothing more I want, except to be alone..
. . ….. … ..
“There was no real sense of life,
because she had nothing to contrast it with.
The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly.
The farther you run, the more God wants you back.
Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved.”
~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
/ / /
It’s a day for words and curves.
Where do you see yourself at the end of your life?
Comment for me.
Music/title: It’s Only (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
“It’s only slaughter,
We’re only liars,
It’s only blood.”
To be wanted; to be needed- A mutual addiction.
It’s all you ever desired, Da?
Such a strong emotion...
But you sure know that, don’t you?
[ yes. ]
I know you miss it- The way it’s all played..
That’s why you choose them, isn’t it?
Because who else could control what you have obtained..
The psycho and sociopaths.
The unloved and unwanted of society- You crave them;
Crave the mutual addiction of the unattainable.
[ “They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.” ]
To be wanted; to be needed is simple.
Oh, but to be desired by them….
True emotional ecstasy.
. . .
"You’re only crying, you’re only dying, you’re only dead."
Music/title: Below; From Indian Lakes
“I am like them,
reaching for anything else.”
. ….. ..
Such a feeble, simple minded piece of human garbage- I truly loathe every fiber of you.
The same could be said for most, I s’pose….
But really- Is it so goddamn hard?!
You truly do create quite the unique hell…
And I can’t wait for the day it finally burns you up for good.