My life, my love, my drive, it came from… Pain! (You made me a, you made me a believer, believer)

Music/title: Believer; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“Don’t you tell me what you think that I can be.”

… . .


and Again. and Again.
It’s what you want, right?
Your goals quickly coming to an end.

Who will you be now?
What will inflict the pain you so desire?

. . 

“You made me a,
You made me a believer.”

/ / /

Never ending shifting.
The changes are so frequent lately I can’t keep up.
But we’re happy if we’re not paying too close attention to the detail, right?



I do believe I am.

Another day, another door, Another high, another low… (Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom!)

Music/title: Roots; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“I’m going back to my roots.”

. .. …


Perhaps this is how it’s meant to end..
Maybe that’s just it– Maybe we’re never really meant to know the outcome
our Oh-so-Irreverent choices lead us to believe we’re dealt.
My choices?  …..I fucking hate them.

Just like every other human on the planet-
I want my life simple.  Complete.
We want this cookie cutter lifestyle, but here we always are…
Dealing ourselves another round of cards, when the game is over and lost.


Do we ever really quit?
Is there ever really an “end game” like they lead us to believe?





I s’pose here’s to finding out….

/ / /


Written near the end of last year, but god be damned- I couldn’t end my project on such a depressing note…
So here we are.   Updated blog, with non-uplifting thoughts.


More to come. ::smiles::


06.27.15 [40/52] I’m dying to feel again.. (Anything at all) But- Oh, I feel nothin’, nothin’, nothin’ (…Nothing at all)

Music/title: Gold; Imagine Dragons
_ _

“But now you can’t tell the false from the real..”


.. . ..


He looked at me the same way I looked at him..
Like he wanted to stop everything, and immerse himself in my world- To get away from normalcy and routine
His eyes felt hollow as he stared down at me ..As if trapped within his own personal sinking boat.

I know he was speaking to me.   And I could hear the words..
But all I could think was, God… I want to save to him. 
I want to tell him that there is more to life than what you’re given.  That it does get better-
That the harder you push, the more you get.  That your life does NOT define you!
That you are not “Imagine Dragons-“  You are not this person that the world has made you out to be..
You are the boy that grew up with dreams bigger than the shoes life had predetermined him to fill.

That maybe-Maybe that void you feel deep inside the pit of your stomach was never meant to be filled.
That I know it’s exhausting, and that it hurts to feel so empty in a world that is so clearly full
and at our constant disposal… But what if our void is supposed to be there? 
What if we are never meant to be complete?

Maybe that void we all feel is what actually drives us-
What is supposed to push us to constantly demand more from life.
Maybe your void is like my void…



And maybe we’re not so different after all.

/ / /

I’ve never seen this side of you..

06.20.15 [39/52] But look at me.. (Oh, what a mess.)

Music/title: Release; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“Careful, Bettina…
You might make me cry too.”

. .. . …


I feel like I should just hide when I feel this way from you.
I feel like it’d be easier for you. I think maybe you’re right- I do act as if it’s the end of the world.
But it’s more than just that.  I think I still have trouble staying happy.  It’s just so much more comfortable to be sad, and I think I gravitate towards that most of the time without realization.

All the more reason I feel like I should hide it from you- ‘Cause I don’t feel like it’s real.
I feel like it’s this fictional sadness I made up in my own mind.. Because, in it’s own weird way..
It’s comforting.

If I’m right, then I’m pathetic and weak in doing so.
Couldn’t I just stop the feelings if I’m the one that created them?  In theory, I could.
The part that worries me is that maybe deep down I just don’t want to.
Maybe I enjoy this feeling more than feeling happy?

This is part of why I don’t think I should have children.
This is part of why I thought I’d be alone forever-
Because I’m terrified the desire for self destruction is always going to outweigh everything else.

So far you’ve been the only thing in my entire life that’s made me feel like I could have more than this- Like I could choose to be happy for more than just a moment.

So I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.
I’m sorry if you don’t understand any of this- Just please know that I’m trying.
That I try *really* hard to overcome this feeling for you all the time….


Always hesitating to say I don’t want to feel this way,
Always afraid that I actually do…



I’ve let me down, down, down, down…. (Oh let me have release)

03.14.15 -19
Music/title: Release; Imagine Dragons
_ _


You’ve always thought so…
But what if this isn’t the right solution- What if it doesn’t ‘fix’ anything?
[ What if nothing ever fixes it... ]

Then what will you do?
[ If you never feel complete; if nothing is ever finished.. ]
If you put everything you have into this part of life,
And you’re left with less than before– You think you have all the right answers?


…We’re about to find out.

06.06.15 [37/52] So you gotta fire up, you gotta let go… You never know the top till you get too low!

05.31.15 -0
Music/title: I’m So Sorry; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“Does it need to be complicated?

You have an incredible story, and an artist you admire wants to hear it.
That’s validation.  A little bit more proof that you’re alive and that you have risen above your past.”

. .. …


I s’pose we’re past the point of being modest..
It’s all or nothing now- You think you want someone to know what you went through?


…Well, here we go.


/ / /

Life isn’t always what you think it’d be…

05.30.15 [36/52] Ohh, love is a polaroid- Better in picture, but never can fill the void.. (How did it come to this?)

Music/title: Polaroid; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“Your story sounds so amazing- I’m so proud of you for making your way through so many struggles and coming out on top.”

dan reynolds

.. . .. ..

Just when you least expect it, there life goes- Blindsiding everything you know.
And just like that, everything changes…


/ / /
And I am the color of boom..

02.21.15 [22/52] And now I wonder if it’s meant to be- Desolation, tragedy… (Is there nothing good in me?)

02.22.15 -0
Music/title: Release; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection.”

. .. . .


I wonder if this is the height of it all?
I feel I’ve been here before..  Everything so perfect and in it’s place-  A calm before the storm.
I can feel the entropy taking over again…


I need to get this air out of my lungs.


/ / /

Oh, let me have release…