Music/title: Joe Hardy – Hearts A Mess (3AM Mix); Gotye
I stole Jenny away Friday night.
She packed my entire kitchen in about an hour and a half.
Her hands were smeared with black, but I held them anyway.. Clothing cast aside;
our bodies warm under the covers ..Suddenly everything made sense.
… . . . ..
I was creating the entire focus of her world.. I get it now.
Music/title: Changes (Shlohmo Remix); LOL Boys
“I have these feelings for you,” He says as he runs a hand down my arched back and perfectly displayed ass. “..Some might call them love.” He grips my ass tightly; admiring his property.
“I have feelings for you that some might call love as well, Sir.” I tighten my position. I want to turn to him, to ask him to hurt me …that I desperately want to hurt for him. This is the only way I can think to show him how much I love and trust him.
I would’ve let him destroy me right in that moment. I would’ve gladly let him break me until I didn’t recognize myself as a person anymore. I don’t know if it was my love for him, or my complete devotion as a slave that felt such a pull to give myself to him. But, my god, how I’ve missed being this..
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything.”
/ / /
He finally said it. Later, after everything else… “I do love you.”
And he said it again the next day, and the next..
Music/title: Ashes; Jack & The Bear
We walked around Ann Arbor, held hands, swung in some art, and stumbled upon this wonderful band.
And later, when it was dark and we were home cuddling, I was staring at her. Trying so hard to just say it. She noticed and asked. So I buried my face in her chest, squeezing her like I was holding on for my life, and finally said it..
“I love you.”
And you know what?
She said it back. ♥
Music/title: Fool; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
Tomorrow. I’m telling her tomorrow. ::breathes deep:: It’s just a girl. I shouldn’t be this nervous. On the other hand, the last time I told a girl I loved her it ended a friendship.
Not this time. I refuse.
besides. it’s just love. i’m not *in* love, right? ..right? Right.
/ / /
The morning after I decide to say fuck it. Let the chips fall where they may. Let’s fuck who I like, because I like to. Naked, exposed, and, yet, keeping my heart intact.
Here I am.
Music/title: Dramophone; Caravan Palace
I’ve been doing nothing but listening to Caravan Palace and thinking all day. About anything and everything that’s been on my mind lately. I think I’m going to tell Jenny I love her. I’m not in love with her, but I definitely love her. She’s officially “my person” as of today. I put it into words and everything, even though I’m sure we’ve both known for months now. ::smiles:: She says I’m mostly adorable, and that what’s not adorable is made up of cute. I miss her. She’ll be at the world steam expo all this weekend. I can feel withdrawals coming on already.
The idea of my mother has been bothering me recently. Or at least she’s been on my mind, which is just bothersome in and of itself. I think of her, and I get angry, and after a certain period of time thinking about this I just get the urge to hurt. To be hurt. Like I deserve it. It frustrates me that she’s still making me feel this way despite our complete lack of contact. The fact that she’s alive just eats away at me.
Ross says it’ll probably be something that I’ll spend most of my life getting over. And then, someday, something will happen. Or something will be said by someone. It could be the tiniest of things, but that that’ll be it. Suddenly I just …won’t care anymore.
I’d love not to care about her. And we’re back to Shortbus:
“It’s hard not to feel anything in your life.”
Music/title: Slumming It With Johnny; Say Anything
This is an outtake from Saturday. This week has felt longer than any I can remember. Fucking wonderful, though. (I really can’t express that enough.) I think I’m going to spend Monday night at Ross’s place again. Who’s this Ross guy, you ask? Ah, well.. he would be the lovely Jenny’s doing, of course.
He’s helping me on the road to becoming a whole person. He’s showing me that I don’t need to feel bad for wanting all these things I’ve been hiding and keeping from myself. He’s putting me in my place, and I’ve never felt so happy and fulfilled with something in my life. What was I doing fooling around with vanilla boys; trying for something I knew would never be enough?
I’m finally comfortable in my own skin.
And I won’t settle for anything less than this.
Music/title: Invisible Monsters; Motion City Soundtrack
I should be sleeping, but I’m not. No Jenny tonight. Instead I went to a couple of somewhat odd/awesome bars in Flint with Jesse and friends. Didn’t enjoy myself as much as I would’ve with Jenny, but it was a different kind of fun. And Jenny will most likely happen Wednesday night, so I’m satisfied. ::smiles::
I don’t really understand any of this anymore. I feel like I’m burying myself in things until there’s no room left to breathe. But I don’t want to breathe. I don’t need air. I need to suffocate myself in people and friends and all the things that I’ve missed out on. I need to feel like I’m actually living.
I haven’t thought about Warren in so long. I don’t mean just the occasional thought or mention of him in conversation. I mean really thought about him.
Does this mean I’m doing well with the breakup? Or really badly? Why did I just suddenly stop being devastated? It was four years, and I suddenly don’t care anymore?
This is how Erica always ended relationships. Maybe it’s what works.
I really should be sleeping now.