01.27.18 [4/52] ‘Cause we could hold our sights so close, or we could chase our heroes… (And I’ve been here before)

Music/title: Caviar Dreams; Al Bairre (Feat. PHFat)
_ _


“Lead me through your harmony;
We’ll sew this so your soul can breathe…”

.. .. .


It surely is a dream.
Nothing could feel this good.


For the first time in my life it doesn’t hurt.
I’m not inflamed.
It doesn’t itch. Or feel dry.
My skin isn’t covered in sores and blisters from my moments of weakness.
For the first time in my life I feel human.

To think, an eleven year old changed my life.
..What were you doing at eleven?

If you’d told me 15 years ago that I’d have this level of peace with my disease,
I’d say you were fucking nuts.


I wish I could meet Lani Lazzari,
If only to fully explain the life-changing-impact her invention has had on me.


My skin can feel like home.

/ / /

You’d been wading in the deep, dancing through your downfall…

These memories are nothing to me, just salt in the wound…

Music/title: Salt; Bad Suns
_ _


“And I don’t believe in the truth, truth.”

. . . .. . . … . .


I shouldn’t have cried.
I shouldn’t have given you hope.
I should’ve spoken every bitter word I swallowed.
But I listened.


Because that’s what you do, right?
That’s what’s polite?

[ I was merely being polite. ]

It didn’t affect me.
[ I didn’t wish to believe. ]

___ ___


What do you do when the darkest parts of you are shaken?


…You hope to hell that you’re right.

But we couldn’t do this to ourselves if it was never worth it, never worth it… (I don’t know how not to fuck this up again)

Music/title: Don’t Fuck This Up; Andrew Applepie
_ _


“I swear I’m not trying to fuck you up.”

. .


I saw myself in her;
A former self-

A truly dedicated slave.

Surely she’s still alive in there.


The older I get, the further away it becomes.
A more distant dream.
One I used to have, to want daily..

Where did it go?
Who have I become?

It’s okay if I like the changes, right?




[ You know you could always ask him.
He knows more about you than you think.

..Don’t forget how this all began. ]


/ / /


Good Mythical Morning.


You don’t impress me (admit it) You don’t intimidate me (admit it)- Why don’t you bow down, get on the ground, WALK THIS FUCKING PLANK (YEAH!)

Music/title: Admit It!; Say Anything
_ _


“Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done;
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become.”

. . … …. .


I’ve never cried at a concert before.

I’ve never felt such a connection with a band as this.
Perhaps it’s his lyrics.
Perhaps it’s his own bi-polar disorder’s pertinence to my mother.
Maybe he makes me hate her just a little bit less..


Seventeen years, two days, and fifty-four songs later-
Max Bemis still performs each and every note as if it’s his first.

The emotion portrayed was breathtaking,
and with his final ‘Walk Through Hell’ I couldn’t help myself…


/ / /

And I say yeah (what do you..)

When everything has to turn, and march onward.. (Only fall if you’re sure that you fall forward)

Music/title: Changes; Mutemath
_ _


“I’m not understood.”

.. .. ……


Life has been one roller coaster after another lately.
I don’t know what’s up or down, and I’m not entirely sure that’s how I want it.

But that’s normal right?
The uncertainty?
Aren’t we always uncertain about something in our lives?

I’m unsure about this.


But, maybe we are overdue…


They’re bold; The knots that bind her love- The product of desire to inspire selfish harmony, Oh.. (And what I want is your body)

Music/title: Freaky Love; Captain Kidd
_ _


“My vaccine;
Recurring Siamese dream-
Illuminate hallucinations burnt into the back of your mind..”

. . .. .


I see the remnants of the fire, but where is the spark?


The slow down is building.
The desire is fueling,
But I can’t seem to ignite.

. .


“And what I need
Is your body
(Your freaky love)”


Another door, another question- I’m going ’round in circles, wondering when I’ll reach the end… (and I can’t help but give in)

Music/title: 1000 Doors; The Living Tombstone
_ _


“I’m losing the sense of where I am.”

. .. .


Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to cover it.

I miss this.
I miss the therapeutic nature of it all. I want to peel back the layers I have pasted onto myself; to escape the norm. This is what we aim for, right? The materialism. The cookie cutters, and decisive actions.

I can feel how close we are.


…Why can’t we grasp it?


But you held your course to some distant war, in the corners of your mind…

Music/title: Angela; The Lumineers
_ _


“Let the exits pass, all the tar and glass-
‘Til the road and sky align.”

. . .


I just need to catch my breath,
then everything will be okay, right?

. .

The dark parts of my brain are seeping through.

[ But you did it- you’re FREE. ]


Is that so?
I claim the void is supposed to be empty,


So why can’t I stop trying to fill it?

Daddy, I don’t wanna grow up anyway- Grown ups are all sad… (Doesn’t matter where I come from anyway)

Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
_ _


“I’ll grow up and get sad.”

. …. .


If only I’d known…

I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.

Not me.

All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.

What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?


[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.

Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love..

Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..


If only they knew.

/ / /

It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..