02.03.18 [5/52] You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead; Strength in my bones put the words in my head… (Cause that’s what you do, That’s what you do)

Music/title: I Want To Know Your Plans; Say Anything
_ _


“When they pour out to paper, it’s all for you.”

. .. .


I miss you too.

I’m trying.. Really, I am.
I know it doesn’t seem like it, but the effort is there… Somewhere..
Hidden beneath all the spreadsheets and grocery lists..
Somewhere there exists a spark..


And I’m going to find it.


/ / /

I want to know your plans and how involved in them I am..

When everything has to turn, and march onward.. (Only fall if you’re sure that you fall forward)

Music/title: Changes; Mutemath
_ _


“I’m not understood.”

.. .. ……


Life has been one roller coaster after another lately.
I don’t know what’s up or down, and I’m not entirely sure that’s how I want it.

But that’s normal right?
The uncertainty?
Aren’t we always uncertain about something in our lives?

I’m unsure about this.


But, maybe we are overdue…


They’re bold; The knots that bind her love- The product of desire to inspire selfish harmony, Oh.. (And what I want is your body)

Music/title: Freaky Love; Captain Kidd
_ _


“My vaccine;
Recurring Siamese dream-
Illuminate hallucinations burnt into the back of your mind..”

. . .. .


I see the remnants of the fire, but where is the spark?


The slow down is building.
The desire is fueling,
But I can’t seem to ignite.

. .


“And what I need
Is your body
(Your freaky love)”


Daddy, I don’t wanna grow up anyway- Grown ups are all sad… (Doesn’t matter where I come from anyway)

Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
_ _


“I’ll grow up and get sad.”

. …. .


If only I’d known…

I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.

Not me.

All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.

What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?


[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.

Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love..

Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..


If only they knew.

/ / /

It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..

Live wide awake (yeah), am I a stranger? Just all alone.. (Addicted to my other self)

Music/title: Good Morning; Grouplove
_ _


“And I can’t tell.”

. . ..


I’ll never understand other women.
I’m just trying to be a manager, buy a house- be an adult
And they are just a bunch of dramatic bitches cry babies.

You’ll never get anywhere in life, if you don’t grow a fucking pair. Christ.


Ranting aside, yes!
I am buying a house. Or at least in the process of doing so.

We are beyond excited. We’ve been looking since January, and it’s picture perfect. Literally- I’m going to take a million pictures, because the house is a piece of fucking art. GAH.

The floors…



…Just you wait and see.

/ / /

p.s. A late 2016 selfie treat. ::smiles::

Nothing gonna get me in my world…. (I wanna get me free!)

Music/title: Dreams; Beck
_ _


“Ahhhh, here we are…
Running circles around around around around.”

. … ..


I’ve never been quite this close.
Just the taste of it- Christ.
I’ve wanted this for so long.
Dreamed about it.
Prayed, even.

All pieces are fitting so perfectly.
My puzzle.
My world.
My bubble- Almost complete.

So much work;
So many awful experiences just to get to this moment.
I truly have dreamed of a place to call home.

…And it’s finally within my grasp.

/ / /


Oh just you wait and see.

And the- And the smile it just, floats away.. (As if the world is satisfied when night turns into day)

Music/title: Waves; Electric Guest
_ _


“Oh, my mind, is all
Washed away, all away.”

. . .


More uneventful than most birthdays, I would say.
Yet, with the right company-
One of the best…….


Dear Arden,

I love you.
I’d take a gluten free snack adventure over gifts any day.

Bunches of love,


/ / /

And always such a pretty thing..

And he told me, “Son, when they all come looking for you, where you gonna run?”

Music/title: Snowship (Thomas Jack Remix); Benjamin Francis Leftwich
_ _


“Your heart’s wired up to the eyes in your head,
and they’re flashing bright.”

. .. …

I look back, and I am reminded every reason my heart latched onto yours.
The reasons I denied for so long, now seem so very important.

Still, my chest swells and collapses within your eyes…


A ta?

/ / /
“I was only looking for the treasure in the dark.”