Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
“I’ll grow up and get sad.”
. …. .
If only I’d known…
I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.
All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.
What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?
[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.
Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love.. ]
Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..
If only they knew.
/ / /
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..
Music/title: Good Morning; Grouplove
“And I can’t tell.”
. . ..
I’ll never understand other women.
I’m just trying to be a manager, buy a house- be an adult
And they are just a bunch of dramatic
bitches cry babies.
You’ll never get anywhere in life, if you don’t grow a fucking pair. Christ.
Ranting aside, yes!
I am buying a house. Or at least in the process of doing so.
HOW EXCITING! :D
We are beyond excited. We’ve been looking since January, and it’s picture perfect. Literally- I’m going to take a million pictures, because the house is a piece of fucking art. GAH.
…Just you wait and see.
/ / /
p.s. A late 2016 selfie treat. ::smiles::
Music/title: Dreams; Beck
“Ahhhh, here we are…
Running circles around around around around.”
. … ..
I’ve never been quite this close.
Just the taste of it- Christ.
I’ve wanted this for so long.
Dreamed about it.
All pieces are fitting so perfectly.
My bubble- Almost complete.
So much work;
So many awful experiences just to get to this moment.
I truly have dreamed of a place to call home.
…And it’s finally within my grasp.
/ / /
Oh just you wait and see.
Music/title: Waves; Electric Guest
“Oh, my mind, is all
Washed away, all away.”
. . .
More uneventful than most birthdays, I would say.
Yet, with the right company-
One of the best…….
I love you.
I’d take a gluten free snack adventure over gifts any day.
Bunches of love,
/ / /
And always such a pretty thing..
Music/title: Go With It; TOKiMONSTA
“You got to follow follow.”
. . .
[ Would you? ]
“Yes. ..If you really wanted it.
I would, because everything is for you…..”
/ / /
“Just go with it.”
Music/title: Snowship (Thomas Jack Remix); Benjamin Francis Leftwich
“Your heart’s wired up to the eyes in your head,
and they’re flashing bright.”
. .. …
I look back, and I am reminded every reason my heart latched onto yours.
The reasons I denied for so long, now seem so very important.
Still, my chest swells and collapses within your eyes…
/ / /
“I was only looking for the treasure in the dark.”
Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
“I can’t look away,
but I don’t wanna meet your eyes.”
.. . . …. .
Do you see me making an effort?
I’m trying, really. I truly am.
But it’s hard. My thoughts are pressing against all the happiness I feel.
Why am I so sad lately?
…Not depressed sadness, but a feeling of longing. An overwhelming, consistent wave of emotions.
Is this my body trying to tell me it’s time? Have I waited too long?
Your skin is never close enough to mine. ..why am I this unsettled?
You are there.
Everyday, you are there for me. …Yet,
I still don’t know what I need.
I think this is all part of my sickness.
The reason I was ever so afraid to love you-
So afraid of the possible effects,
that I’m caught in the endless cycle of hurting myself….
…How can I hope to be where you are?
/ / /
And I’m holding out my hand to you…
Music/title: Boys & Girls; Martin Solveig
“Look at yourself.”
. .. …
If the result is the same,
does the time frame really matter?
I miss our childish innocence together-
The summer that felt…
If time is truly the only difference,
then why don’t we change it?
Music/title: It’s Only (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
“It’s only slaughter,
We’re only liars,
It’s only blood.”
To be wanted; to be needed- A mutual addiction.
It’s all you ever desired, Da?
Such a strong emotion...
But you sure know that, don’t you?
[ yes. ]
I know you miss it- The way it’s all played..
That’s why you choose them, isn’t it?
Because who else could control what you have obtained..
The psycho and sociopaths.
The unloved and unwanted of society- You crave them;
Crave the mutual addiction of the unattainable.
[ “They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.” ]
To be wanted; to be needed is simple.
Oh, but to be desired by them….
True emotional ecstasy.
. . .
"You’re only crying, you’re only dying, you’re only dead."
Music/title: Blank Tapes; From Indian Lakes
“And now it feels okay.”
… .. .
…Do you remember?
The world once stopped for us.
And I held it firmly in my hands. So invincible.
Nothing could change what you’d built….
…But I’m changing, aren’t I?
And the world doesn’t feel like it used to.
And I’m trying to breathe-
I’m trying to make myself fit in this world around me,
But everything is so unfamiliar…
And you breathe like you’ve always been here- Always so content;
Inventing the air that surrounds you…..
But do you remember,
..How to stop the world for us again?