Don’t stop imagining. The day that you do is the day that you die.. (I’m not fast enough)

09.14.13
 
Music/title: 17; Youth Lagoon
_ _
 
 
He makes my heart swell and burst. He takes everything I thought was solid and breaks it into tiny pieces. I’ve needed this for so long- Someone to defy these concrete ideas I’ve created in my head.
 
.. .. . .. …
 
“You look like you don’t know what to do next..”
 
[ Yes.. I’m scared.. ::wells up with tears::
…I’m so far out of my comfort zone. ]
 
“Yes, you are. But I’m right here with you, Bettina..
I’m right here.”

 
.. . . .. . ..
 
I’ve never felt the things I’m feeling with him before. I’ve never felt such a consistant lack of urge to hurt myself as I do with him. Being happy and content is absolutely terrifying, but my-fucking-god do I want this with him. This is all I’ve ever wanted. Everything I cried and wished to the lack of a god for when I was younger is lying next to me every night.
 
 
Still, though, I feel these tiny urges of self destruction.
When I make love to him, when I’m at my most vulnerable, I feel it there- prodding at me. It tells me it would feel good and familiar.. My mind tells me that what I’m doing is foreign and scary, and that destroying this beautiful thing I’ve found would be so fulfilling…
 
That it would ruin me,
and it would feel better than anything I’ve done to myself yet.
 
.. . .. . .
 
 
[ ::breaks down crying:: ..Promise you won’t ever let me do this. Promise me you won’t let me destroy myself. I need this. I need you, Arden. This is what I really want… I swear. ]
 
“Okay, Bettina. Okay, okay.. shhhh. *holds*
 
I promise.”

 

You used to hold me, me, me, me, yeah. You know better than I do.

04.27.12 .1
 
Music/title: You Used To Hold Me; Calvin Harris
_ _
 
 
“Fuck damnation, man!
Fuck redemption!
We are God’s unwanted children?
SO BE IT!”

 
. . .
 
 
I go through a mind fuck of a childhood, and I think a single breakup is going to damage me forever? I’m better than that. I’m stronger than that. I didn’t go through all that shit to spend the rest of my life pinning over something I can’t have. There’s always something else. Something different. Something better that I can find and achieve for myself. I, of all people, should know this.
 
I would say that I’m done feeling sorry for myself, but I’m way past that point. I’m taking things now. I’m getting what I want, and I’m enjoying it. Fuck feeling regret. Fuck feeling guilt and judgement. When did it ever become a good idea to judge my own actions based on someone else’s standards?
If this is what I want, I’m goddamn doing it.
 
/ / /
 
 
“Fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns. I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect. I say let… let’s evolve, let the chips fall where they may. “
 

04.16.12 [111] Can we create something beautiful and destroy it? This is my imagination.

04.16.12
 
Music/title: Disasterology; Pierce the Veil
_ _
 
 
I’m analyzing every little bit of it, trying to find just exactly where we stopped working. I should be working on fixing myself. I think about these things, and it occurs to me… He doesn’t want me? Hell, he doesn’t deserve me. I can be greater than this. I am better than this, and he’ll regret ever not wanting me.
 
“Ladies and gentlemen,
I introduce the selfish machine.”

 
 
/ / /
 
Photo taken at DOW Gardens with my good friend, Blake. We escaped from our lives and submersed ourselves in wilderness with as many cameras as we could carry. ♥