Music/title: Salt; Bad Suns
“And I don’t believe in the truth, truth.”
. . . .. . . … . .
I shouldn’t have cried.
I shouldn’t have given you hope.
I should’ve spoken every bitter word I swallowed.
But I listened.
Because that’s what you do, right?
That’s what’s polite?
[ I was merely being polite. ]
It didn’t affect me.
[ I didn’t wish to believe. ]
What do you do when the darkest parts of you are shaken?
…You hope to hell that you’re right.
Music/title: Go With It; TOKiMONSTA
“Ay oh, let it go-
See the big picture
Explode- Like a light bulb,
Let it unfold.
Just go, go with it.”
/ / /
…Does this make me weak?
Music/title: We Move Like the Ocean; Bad Suns
“Sit me down.”
. .. ….
The pain is only temporary, love..
Now that is truly something to fear….
/ / /
Chew me up, spit me out..
Music/title: Habits of My Heart; Jaymes Young
“You can fuck yourself.”
.. . ….
You think you just have everything over me-
You have absolutely fucking nothing.
And here we go again…
Breathing that ever suffocating smoke.
Music/title: 17; Youth Lagoon
He makes my heart swell and burst. He takes everything I thought was solid and breaks it into tiny pieces. I’ve needed this for so long- Someone to defy these concrete ideas I’ve created in my head.
.. .. . .. …
“You look like you don’t know what to do next..”
[ Yes.. I’m scared.. ::wells up with tears::
…I’m so far out of my comfort zone. ]
“Yes, you are. But I’m right here with you, Bettina..
I’m right here.”
.. . . .. . ..
I’ve never felt the things I’m feeling with him before. I’ve never felt such a consistant lack of urge to hurt myself as I do with him. Being happy and content is absolutely terrifying, but my-fucking-god do I want this with him. This is all I’ve ever wanted. Everything I cried and wished to the lack of a god for when I was younger is lying next to me every night.
Still, though, I feel these tiny urges of self destruction.
When I make love to him, when I’m at my most vulnerable, I feel it there- prodding at me. It tells me it would feel good and familiar.. My mind tells me that what I’m doing is foreign and scary, and that destroying this beautiful thing I’ve found would be so fulfilling…
That it would ruin me,
and it would feel better than anything I’ve done to myself yet.
.. . .. . .
[ ::breaks down crying:: ..Promise you won’t ever let me do this. Promise me you won’t let me destroy myself. I need this. I need you, Arden. This is what I really want… I swear. ]
“Okay, Bettina. Okay, okay.. shhhh. *holds*
Music/title: You Used To Hold Me; Calvin Harris
“Fuck damnation, man!
We are God’s unwanted children?
SO BE IT!”
. . .
I go through a mind fuck of a childhood, and I think a single breakup is going to damage me forever? I’m better than that. I’m stronger than that. I didn’t go through all that shit to spend the rest of my life pinning over something I can’t have. There’s always something else. Something different. Something better that I can find and achieve for myself. I, of all people, should know this.
I would say that I’m done feeling sorry for myself, but I’m way past that point. I’m taking things now. I’m getting what I want, and I’m enjoying it. Fuck feeling regret. Fuck feeling guilt and judgement. When did it ever become a good idea to judge my own actions based on someone else’s standards?
If this is what I want, I’m goddamn doing it.
/ / /
“Fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns. I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect. I say let… let’s evolve, let the chips fall where they may. “
Music/title: The Sky Under The Sea; Pierce the Veil
This photo feels like my day in a nutshell. I went places, I saw things… My camera with me every step of the way. I need more days like this. Why am I sitting around my apartment feeling sorry for myself? I’m free to do whatever I want. And you know what?
I just did.
Music/title: Disasterology; Pierce the Veil
I’m analyzing every little bit of it, trying to find just exactly where we stopped working. I should be working on fixing myself. I think about these things, and it occurs to me… He doesn’t want me? Hell, he doesn’t deserve me. I can be greater than this. I am better than this, and he’ll regret ever not wanting me.
“Ladies and gentlemen,
I introduce the selfish machine.”
/ / /
Photo taken at DOW Gardens with my good friend, Blake. We escaped from our lives and submersed ourselves in wilderness with as many cameras as we could carry. ♥